tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1427952535951054650..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 54 Query ContestAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47999536213255008152009-08-03T03:43:08.652-04:002009-08-03T03:43:08.652-04:00The first sentence doesn't hook me. No, I don&...The first sentence doesn't hook me. No, I don't remember that house. We didn't have one. (Also, my house *was* on the end of the block.) Don't assume everyone had the same experiences as a child. <br /><br />The next paragraph seems to really be into that, but I'm still shaking my head because I didn't have a house like that in my neighborhood. It's like those rhetorical questions to start off queries: Did you ever wonder what would happen if frogs grew wings and flew laps around the moon at night? No, most of us haven't. <br /><br />The paragraph describing various spooky houses slows down the query a lot. Start where the story starts. <br /><br />The paragraph with the story is too vague. I didn't get a sense of the story. The questions paragraph didn't work for me. People use them a lot, and they usually come across weak. <br /><br />That said, I did like the sample page, but I don't think I'm curious enough to read on.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14835598541248200432009-08-01T08:58:47.601-04:002009-08-01T08:58:47.601-04:00Lose all the questions about what isn't in you...Lose all the questions about what isn't in your book and start with what is. Give the creature a name up front and tell us its conflicts.<br /><br />I stopped reading. First, I'm not into horror and second, your query didn't hook me.<br /><br />Great possibilities though if you tighten your query.usvoter@earthlink.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71216869213437694742009-08-01T03:36:59.147-04:002009-08-01T03:36:59.147-04:00While I was reading those first paras, I was heari...While I was reading those first paras, I was hearing a voice-over guy talking like this was a preview to a movie.<br /><br />I'm guessing this is not the way to go with a query letter.<br /><br />On the other hand, the spiders POV was intriguing. If the query had addressed that, it would have been a much more potent approach.Cheryl Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91250454271242131432009-07-31T16:19:33.097-04:002009-07-31T16:19:33.097-04:00I love, love, love the premise of this story, and ...I love, love, love the premise of this story, and the sample paragraphs make me want to read more. I agree, however, that the query letter should omit all the rhetorical questions and other hypotheticals.Margaret Carterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08293021955480708191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66848730290928213722009-07-31T06:47:46.956-04:002009-07-31T06:47:46.956-04:00I read some of the comments, but not all (there...I read some of the comments, but not all (there's a lot there). I, and a lot of other people by the looks of it, didn't grow up in a neighbourhood with a creepy house, so your questions and assumptions didn't resonate with me. If anything, they were beginning to annoy me.<br /><br />All was forgiven when I read your sample though. The writing is really good. I don't think the story will be for everyone, but that will be a matter of personal taste rather than a reflection of your writing skills.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87311830878807657902009-07-30T22:23:59.408-04:002009-07-30T22:23:59.408-04:00Echoing most everyone above about cutting the rhet...Echoing most everyone above about cutting the rhetorical questions and tightening up the query. I can handle the first one, but that's enough for me. The fourth paragraph beginning with "Will the creature's..." could be left out all together.<br /><br />It has a nice twist in comparison to all the others; can't say if it's enough to catch an agent's wandering attention, but it caught mine.<br /><br />The voice is VERY nice; dark and velvety with a healthy whallop of madness. Hmm...yeah, I'd read Crawl. I'd pull it off the shelf just because of the name. Makes me want to revisit my Poppy Z. Brite collection...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23990558159029536432009-07-30T22:00:41.016-04:002009-07-30T22:00:41.016-04:00I can see this query getting bites on premise alon...I can see this query getting bites on premise alone. Great twist and you present it elegantly in the blurb. (with suggested deletions)<br /><br />And the writing - chilling, graphic and oddly poetic. What a voice! I'd read this book.<br /><br />The query can be tightened a little. I wouldn't want to distract agents from your premise.<br /><br />Suggestions for lines that might be cut:<br />The first paragraph after the opening line was mostly filler. I could do without the first sentences: "Maybe it was a stately mansion haunted by the ghostly victims of a murderous caretaker. Or maybe it was an abandoned hunting cabin tucked away beyond the treeline, housing some deranged killer. Perhaps it was a sand-blasted beach house where the spirits of sailors past still walked upon the foggy shoreline. Whatever the building, every neighborhood has that house upon the hill, a house of mystery and murder."<br /><br />Also third paragraph doesn't tell us any more about your book. You can cut completely and it would strengthen the query: "Will the creature’s horrific origin be revealed? Will the not-so-wholesome suburban family bring Crawl out into the light or join her down in the darkness? The answers will leave you not only stunned, but questioning the assumptions you’ve harbored all along."Jeannie Linhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12714068387571203896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85846722221740027682009-07-30T14:27:24.162-04:002009-07-30T14:27:24.162-04:00I like your desciptions. Well done.I like your desciptions. Well done.The Rejection Queenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01288683065588449736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51212929340056822262009-07-30T12:28:57.892-04:002009-07-30T12:28:57.892-04:00The problem with questions is that not everyone an...The problem with questions is that not everyone answers the way you want them to. I lived in several neighborhoods growing up and not a one of them had a house like that. I knew what was meant, I have after all seen Monster House. But I've read many agents state outright that if their answer is no on one of these types of questions, they stop reading.<br /><br />Personally, the letter didn't work for me at all. It moved from questions that assumed answers I didn't give, to saying why the story's better than all that boring stuff out there, to posing questions that I felt an agent shouldn't have to ask. Given just it, I would have tossed it. Which is sad because when I glanced at the writing anyway, I started to think that would have been a big mistake. The writing sample was wonderful and I hope this finds print because I want to read more.Andreanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3367187078735730852009-07-30T06:44:43.348-04:002009-07-30T06:44:43.348-04:00I don't like all the rhetorical questions. I a...I don't like all the rhetorical questions. I almost stopped reading the query when I read the third paragraph. The concept was so different from anything I'd read that I skipped the rest of it and went straight to the first page. Good voice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16292267196337884152009-07-30T02:22:24.044-04:002009-07-30T02:22:24.044-04:00CORRECTION
Finally- on the the mean, or shall I sa...CORRECTION<br />Finally- on the the mean, or shall I say pile of spiders? <br /><br />---That should have said, "finally, on to the meat..."<br /><br />I should really go to bed. Too tired to work my fingers. <br /><br />Sorry about the incoherent slip there, everyone!Query-A-Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06403531785846541267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3660493314331676232009-07-30T02:19:27.680-04:002009-07-30T02:19:27.680-04:00I am noticing a trend with my process here. I thin...I am noticing a trend with my process here. I think about my responses as I am reading your query and snippet and feel one way, then other posters make their valid points, and they are so valid it sways my own thoughts. Reminds me of being in speech and debate. : )<br /><br />With that said, my first thought was that your question worked. I liked the second paragraph. But the points made by the others (not the Others in your book, haha) are so valid. Every neighborhood has that haunted house. Hm. Maybe it's more like every neighborhood where a creepy haunted house story is set has one. So, they are familiar to us, sure. But like the one poster said, you are speaking to an implied shared experience. Think how big our urban centers are and how many people live there. Because I grew up more rural, I didn't think about it. But they bring up a GREAT point that many, many people did not grow up in suburban neighborhoods with that *one* unkempt house. Or in the country, where there was a creepy castle-looking place at the end of a dead-end lane. After I reread it your letter with that in mind, it sounded something more out of a newspaper lead for a feature story- it reads very well. But doesn't work here. <br /><br />Maybe your hook is nestled in graph #3- Crawl roams the close, dark spaces between the walls of a dilapitated..... and continue to the end of that paragraph.<br /><br />I would take out "leave you stunned" too. I don't think when we query would should do that, as someone already noted. <br /><br />Finally- on the the mean, or shall I say pile of spiders? I love the premise of the monster's POV. And also that she's within the walls- so not your traditional haunting. <br /><br />Regarding the snippet... The first paragraph didn't really grab me. I'd start in paragraph 3. Get to mother later. Get right to Crawl. Maybe even take a little of graph 4 into 3, like have her eating an insect right away. Either way, get to that great, gritty stuff. Once you got to Crawl, I was hooked and had an image in my head of a tween girl with dark hair in a dirty nightgown. I could see and feel and hear the bugs. I loved how you introduced her. She had no name, down to if she had a name, it would be Crawl. <br /><br />I really thought this was well done for the most part. The beginning of the query lost me and the beginning of the snippet did too- but once I got to see your good stuff, I was hooked. (I am having my own Chap 1. challenge now).<br /><br />So... I was hooked. Then unhooked. Then hooked again. With a little tweaking, you'd definitely snag me. However, that I did go back and forth so much means that you made me think and you made me interested. <br /><br />Good job.Query-A-Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06403531785846541267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50480538084324501372009-07-29T23:26:24.227-04:002009-07-29T23:26:24.227-04:00You had me at the end of the first question, but t...You had me at the end of the first question, but then you kept on going about the house (we got it). You may have a good story, but a bad query here. Start with the idea as you did, then tell that crawl is about such a house, inhabited by a monster, add family. Now show us the dangers. <br /><br />In the snippet 'She could also' is weak. Then it becomes very telly. Start with something happening, rather than telling us about her. Show more. You can summarize what we missed later.Stelios Touchtidishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12015585034486383804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4501451443735943732009-07-29T18:17:53.316-04:002009-07-29T18:17:53.316-04:00I would get rid of the rhetorical questions. They&...I would get rid of the rhetorical questions. They're distracting. I would ax the entire second paragraph as well. It's not telling us anything about the story, and to be honest with you, my squeaky clean suburban neighborhood DIDN'T have one of those houses (which means that it's possible your favorite agent's didn't have one, either).<br /><br />I'd like to know more about Crawl. Set up that moment when the young family comes knocking; give us more of a blow-by-blow account. Then sprinkle in some of the back story to make us feel...what? Sympathy, revulsion, terror? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about her, so making that clearer will go a long way.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89076498445787599642009-07-29T16:25:14.218-04:002009-07-29T16:25:14.218-04:00Yeah, the rhetorical questions got to be a bit muc...Yeah, the rhetorical questions got to be a bit much. I didn't mind the first one, but by the second paragraph, I really just wanted to know the story, not foster this shared-experience connection to it. <br /><br />I like the idea of a monster story told from a monstor's POV. But I almost thought this was going to be a story of redemption--the almost childlike-innocence to the shared-experience rhetorical questions, the "young" family that might bring Crawl to light... but then it seems to become darker in tone, and I'm not sure. I'd like more of a hint in the query whether this is going to end with happy monster and happy family, or is this is more along the lines of Steven King's early work?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38002546127983968322009-07-29T15:35:59.610-04:002009-07-29T15:35:59.610-04:00some agents, who are very busy, and make a partial...some agents, who are very busy, and make a partial form letter and then personalize it. I’m in this contest because I have difficulties writing queries, so my simple critique has to be taken with a grain of salt. I’m not going to address grammar or style, because, usually the agents don’t and you know who you are. I know what I like and am not sure of, so . . . I'm hooked. I enjoyed the for me unusual "Crawl" in the walls and think this would be a lot of fun. After reading your 250, I was still hopeful, although I wasn't presented with the inciting incident...which doesn't have to be in the 1st 250...I'd read on.RW Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08473786472219141232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5137205132248817932009-07-29T14:59:55.368-04:002009-07-29T14:59:55.368-04:00Sorry, couldn't work my way through all those ...Sorry, couldn't work my way through all those questions. And there was too much emphasis on Crawl crawling through an empty house rather than giving us some insight into what the action is...I assume the story starts when the new family moves in, but you only touch on that.Silver Fingersnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4507142046750521952009-07-29T14:35:51.043-04:002009-07-29T14:35:51.043-04:00Too many rhetorical questions. I didn't have a...Too many rhetorical questions. I didn't have a house like that in my neighbourhood so after the first sentence I was thinking, "Enough already!" There's some good writing here but both the query and the partial need paring down to the important stuff.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83096678860102845042009-07-29T14:05:48.509-04:002009-07-29T14:05:48.509-04:00I'm sorry... the query doesn't hook.I'm sorry... the query doesn't hook.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10360713949282345082009-07-29T13:01:58.942-04:002009-07-29T13:01:58.942-04:00I echo the comments above. Cut the questions and g...I echo the comments above. Cut the questions and get to the meat of the matter. I don't care about creepy houses. I want to know about the monster. Because of the long buildup and all the rhetorical questions, I wasn't hooked.Cristahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03619392922583392041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44694471411896830512009-07-29T12:54:33.612-04:002009-07-29T12:54:33.612-04:00Remove all of the rhetorical questions.
Do it.
...Remove all of the rhetorical questions. <br /><br />Do it. <br /><br />DO IT! ahahahaha<br /><br />Really you should remove the first two paragraphs entirely. I understand what you're trying to do here, but those are all wasted words. <br /><br />My problem with your query is one I see all the time. You're talking about the book instead of telling us the STORY of the book. <br /><br />I don't care that it stands apart from the same-old horror story, or what it gives readers, and I hate questions that only elicit the answer, "I don't know. You tell me."<br /><br />I want to know that a Crawl, a monster, lives a horrific, hidden life within the walls of a dilapidated Victorian. She lives alone until a young family decides to buy the place and restore it(?). (Why are they there?)<br /><br />I want to know what the whole paragraph that starts "Will the creature's..." even means. Because right now it's vague. <br /><br />Also, delete the sentence about how dark the subject material is, because it's unnecessary. <br /><br />Your query blurb should reveal the darkness of the story. It should spook me out and crescendo to a cliffhanger that makes me desperate to read more. ESPECIALLY since it's a horror novel. <br /><br />Basically, don't tell me about CRAWL... tell me the story of your book.HWPettyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16804994434371563478noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76755837217856646492009-07-29T12:50:58.779-04:002009-07-29T12:50:58.779-04:00The query hooked me with the first sentence. Howev...The query hooked me with the first sentence. However, I think it can be tighter if you cut the following paragraph: "Will the creature’s horrific origin be revealed? Will the not-so-wholesome suburban family bring Crawl out into the light or join her down in the darkness? The answers will leave you not only stunned, but questioning the assumptions you’ve harbored all along." Leaving it in sounds more movie trailer like. I also think that eliminating the final sentence in the last paragraph would be good as well.<br /><br />The sample page didn't capture me as much of the query, but that may be because there wasn't any action. It felt more like a prologue, even though it was well written. I would probably ask to see more however.Alicia Gregoirehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06660125614529633284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38875913365364097542009-07-29T12:14:29.804-04:002009-07-29T12:14:29.804-04:00I'd cut the second paragraph, except the last ...I'd cut the second paragraph, except the last sentence. It isn't about your book. I'd also cut the paragraph that begins, "Will the creature's horrific origin be revealed?" Tell us more what the book is about instead of hinting at things it might be about. Unusual concept, but I'm not hooked.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05192888587472646161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18782750785316291962009-07-29T12:04:36.985-04:002009-07-29T12:04:36.985-04:00I was hooked but agree that if I grew up in an apa...I was hooked but agree that if I grew up in an apartment building or trailer park instead of a creepy old house (which I did!) I might be put off by the rhetoricals. Good writing in the first 250.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34401191942207371842009-07-29T11:34:43.540-04:002009-07-29T11:34:43.540-04:00I like the concept of your novel. If I were an age...I like the concept of your novel. If I were an agent, I would probably request a partial... if... your query letter didn't have so many rhetorical questions and if you got to your story right away instead of paragraph 3. Also the sentence "The answers will leave you not only stunned...." is not appropriate for a query. You should never tell a reader how they will feel when they read your story. Tighten the query and I think you have a good shot!Valerie Gearyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165554338889917253noreply@blogger.com