tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1456297686871766232..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 41 Drop the NeedleAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14581971782780485862009-05-10T23:42:00.000-04:002009-05-10T23:42:00.000-04:00I like the idea of using a genie/jinn in your stor...I like the idea of using a genie/jinn in your story. It's different from most other stories in this genre.<br /><br />The POV character seems distant from the scene, however. She's describing how the jinn looks, but we don't get a sense of what she's feeling about having an angry jinn coming after her. I'd be plenty scared, maybe even move closer to the guy.<br /><br />Check your punctuation rules. I found places needing commas throughout. <br /><br />Good work. Keep it up.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4836281217252773022009-05-08T19:37:00.000-04:002009-05-08T19:37:00.000-04:00I was lost in the physicality. Part of it was the...I was lost in the physicality. Part of it was the set up with two characters, which was really three? Then the initial "she" got me off track. Cassie versus Cassandra etc. This really was a hard assignment to get set up!<br /><br />As to the stalking, sinuous, lithe jinny--I liked and her opening lines once I figured them out. <br /><br />Lost again with the expression defined, then (once more)under the bare bulb? Then back to poor light, haziness, smoky appearance, then back again to unable to "see if her expression was still wild or ...."<br /><br />I was floating, uncertain, although I caught the distinct hint of fear and concern. <br /><br />I would like to read more and hope we'll see additional sections in other contests.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16378022221964553484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3045573296650981922009-05-07T08:31:00.000-04:002009-05-07T08:31:00.000-04:00I liked the smoky body imagery. Minor nit: in the ...I liked the smoky body imagery. Minor nit: in the last sentence I think it would be more effective to substitute the word 'their' with 'her'.Jadanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78718772920768496932009-05-06T20:19:00.000-04:002009-05-06T20:19:00.000-04:00I think the writing could be a little tighter, and...I think the writing could be a little tighter, and the first sentence "feral fear...furious face" didn't work for me. A couple of missing commas, I think you have a typo in the last sentence, making to made?<br /><br />Overall I liked this, premise and style, and would keep reading.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43074414571274595852009-05-06T19:50:00.000-04:002009-05-06T19:50:00.000-04:00I love the sound of this story and enjoyed this. M...I love the sound of this story and enjoyed this. Maybe tighten the last sentence in the fourth paragraph a little.>> Although the lighting helped with my comfort level on the smoke, I couldn’t see if her expression had mellowed.<br /><br />The last paragraph could be tightened too :>> I don’t know how he remained calm. His soft voice made Jinny’s appearance seem normal rather than a stalker searching for prey.<br /><br />Great story though. I would read a book like this one.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50925608937888428512009-05-06T18:13:00.000-04:002009-05-06T18:13:00.000-04:00Nice scene. I agree that feral fear sort of threw...Nice scene. I agree that feral fear sort of threw me off, but more b/c I'm not sure how much those words go together. I don't think there would be any fear on Jinny's face.<br />ditto on the "clipped out" comment above.<br />The sentence beginning "She passed" is too long, but the description in there is very good. I would suggesting just breaking it into manageable chunks. The "warm breath" imagery is great.<br />I would drop the "unfortunately" and maybe change "retained" to "regained" some of her humanity.<br />In the last sentence, if you change "making" to "made" you'd have a complete sentence and I think I'd like it better.Jessie17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2896800788536871982009-05-06T15:20:00.000-04:002009-05-06T15:20:00.000-04:00I agree with the above comments. There's a bit of...I agree with the above comments. There's a bit of tightening needed and they have outlined those well for you.<br /><br />I think the idea behind the scene is good and that it might work within context. There's some really excellent phrasing and it really brings the characters and their personalities to life. <br /><br />I would try and bring the menace of Jinny out even more. Her emotion seems to be the result of her environment and the smoke more than an emotion. Maybe her smoking is a very very bad sign that was pointed out earlier in the work? Bring it out.<br /><br />Also, that bit of alliteration at the beginning? Kinda distracting. It makes her action seem funny or amusing rather than 'feral' which is a bit cliche, so watch that.Editor Cassandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575298681582664196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57293150851133780002009-05-06T14:12:00.000-04:002009-05-06T14:12:00.000-04:00I loved the line "her whole body a warm breath in ...I loved the line "her whole body a warm breath in the cool night air." Great imagery. So easy to picture.<br />I agree that some of the lines are a bit wordy.<br />I wasn't sure why they were relieved that no one spoke until she was in the murky shadows. I think I'd rather have someone mad at me from a distance but I may be missing something since it's the middle of the scene.NewGirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84147224440933100342009-05-06T11:05:00.000-04:002009-05-06T11:05:00.000-04:00I liked this. I understood what was going on. Love...I liked this. I understood what was going on. Loved the mention of the bare bulb and how you used that in the scene.<br /><br />But, some of the sentences were wordy. And I'm not sure what'clipped out' means. I actually think you could just use the actual dialogue there- we already know she's mad, know she's dangerous. <br /><br />Good dialogue doesn't need a lot of description. Go straight to "NNNo"- it fits well.<br /><br />The next paragraph needs tightening. Example:<br />"She passed under a bare bulb. I could still see the contempt, and even worse was the smoke now rising off her..."<br /><br />the next paragraph has some "huh" moments- "she had almost reached us, which was thankfully in the murky shadows." I know what you mean but that is not grammatically correct. us- which was? I would stop at us and start a new sentence. <br /> <br />"Thankfully, we stood in murky shadows so her smoking aura..."sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.com