tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1636879777760784284..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #18Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18093051987574439422014-04-12T12:06:44.215-04:002014-04-12T12:06:44.215-04:00No. I had to reread the line several times and I&#...No. I had to reread the line several times and I'm still not sure what it means. Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69058465940948904032014-04-11T07:47:14.002-04:002014-04-11T07:47:14.002-04:00No. This reads like two sentences, not one, and do...No. This reads like two sentences, not one, and doesn't create a character I'd be interested in reading about.kristine Nhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08202917905756050811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72186974748218615362014-04-10T21:33:24.964-04:002014-04-10T21:33:24.964-04:00No. Punctuation is off, which always throws me, es...No. Punctuation is off, which always throws me, especially in a first line1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82732247518175637242014-04-10T18:55:55.154-04:002014-04-10T18:55:55.154-04:00No.
Too many simple mistakes in one sentence. My ...No.<br /><br />Too many simple mistakes in one sentence. My thought is that I'll be editing instead of reading the rest. Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55222060527586537182014-04-10T18:43:42.880-04:002014-04-10T18:43:42.880-04:00No. I stopped and had to re-read. It's missing...No. I stopped and had to re-read. It's missing a word. <br /><br />I sat slouched ON my desk. I wouldn't continued with an error in the first sentence. But even then it's confusing. <br />Stick with 'I sat on' or 'I slouched on'.don't hate menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14444913281239808812014-04-10T18:32:04.384-04:002014-04-10T18:32:04.384-04:00No. I think some punctuation is missing which caus...No. I think some punctuation is missing which caused me to stumble a few times. Sitting in class is a rather cliche opening unless something interesting is happening.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87484479653766670322014-04-10T16:05:01.789-04:002014-04-10T16:05:01.789-04:00No. The sentence structure threw me and a lecture ...No. The sentence structure threw me and a lecture on ancestry doesn't pull me in anymore than it pulls in your character. The phrasing also sounds very modern to me. I don't typically think of Fantasy as being modern (although this one may be).Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30016221529376806842014-04-10T14:32:02.662-04:002014-04-10T14:32:02.662-04:00No. It's weird sentence structure.No. It's weird sentence structure.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18219883647458065443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46079361756306310072014-04-10T12:54:44.977-04:002014-04-10T12:54:44.977-04:00No. Had to read it a few times to really make sen...No. Had to read it a few times to really make sense of it. First off, "I sat slouched my desk" is missing a word -- I assume you meant "at" my desk. Okay, we've all done this before, but an opening sentence... eek. <br /><br />If this is YA, one must assume that a person reading this story knows what the word "ancestry" means without having to explain it in your sentence. If you feel the need to do this, I suggest you use hyphens for readability (i.e., "...the whole where-your-roots-originated-from thing..."). JMO ;)Suzan Teall Headleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13508182507802493532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8776401206490493002014-04-10T09:05:45.241-04:002014-04-10T09:05:45.241-04:00No - Words seem to be missing or the phrasing is o...No - Words seem to be missing or the phrasing is off. Makes me feel like the rest will be a difficult read as well.therealtwinmomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42025359852159897642014-04-10T06:15:44.900-04:002014-04-10T06:15:44.900-04:00No. Why would I care that it doesn't appeal to...No. Why would I care that it doesn't appeal to someone I haven't been introduced to yet.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16179438607680035342014-04-10T02:50:07.286-04:002014-04-10T02:50:07.286-04:00No. May be my taste in fiction, but this character...No. May be my taste in fiction, but this character seemed too disinterested and whiny for me to want to read on. Am guessing you are setting up a boring "before" world (as this is fantasy) but this opening alone didn't grab me.BrigidGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86334219079926572632014-04-09T18:43:14.346-04:002014-04-09T18:43:14.346-04:00No. Missing words and a bored student are not grab...No. Missing words and a bored student are not grabbing me. Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15658456704938865302014-04-09T17:04:05.825-04:002014-04-09T17:04:05.825-04:00No- poor proofing/grammar make it unreadableNo- poor proofing/grammar make it unreadableSMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83885071361968922972014-04-09T16:53:28.962-04:002014-04-09T16:53:28.962-04:00No.
This is the second (or third) bored student op...No.<br />This is the second (or third) bored student opening I’ve seen in these samples. Maybe instead of the student bored in class, you could move the scene up to just after the bell rings and he escapes.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01021888227904891627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83968096926287398552014-04-09T16:38:03.442-04:002014-04-09T16:38:03.442-04:00No. I do like the potential link between the title...No. I do like the potential link between the title and ancestry. I also liked that you showed the narrator's interest in the subject by the slouching body language. I also liked that we know where we are, in class. Although, many YA stories open in class/school, so using it may be a cliche.<br /><br />What doesn't work for me are the <br />grammatical errors and run on sentences. A simple run through a grammar editor would help point out those problems. <br /><br />It appears that you've attached the second sentence onto the first to add tension. It doesn't work. Consider adding tension to the first sentence by having her trying not to look at the clock, or doodling the hundredth cartoon character on her notebook, or something like that. MargotGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91462294612483334942014-04-09T16:01:34.491-04:002014-04-09T16:01:34.491-04:00NO. This entry has two run-on sentences and doesn&...NO. This entry has two run-on sentences and doesn't fit the criteria. SanWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882213832893854098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24676881641099554702014-04-09T14:23:11.759-04:002014-04-09T14:23:11.759-04:00No.
I think this is two sentences. After the semi...No. <br />I think this is two sentences. After the semicolon, you introduce the voice. I like the character better in the second phrase, but the first phrase didn't engage me.C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79895212162676765962014-04-09T14:15:25.870-04:002014-04-09T14:15:25.870-04:00No, not at all. Bored character = bored reader. An...No, not at all. Bored character = bored reader. And it's hard to read. Maybe should be two sentences?Heidi Stallmannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59134619959661081292014-04-09T14:14:32.106-04:002014-04-09T14:14:32.106-04:00No
-because the working feels clunky and the situa...No<br />-because the working feels clunky and the situation doesn't stand out. If he's bored then I'm likely to be bored too.Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45866053229373037412014-04-09T13:39:37.339-04:002014-04-09T13:39:37.339-04:00No. The bored demeanor of the character infuses in...No. The bored demeanor of the character infuses into the reader. If this character is bored, they will more than likely focus on something that does interest them. Consider starting with something along those lines.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16893358447050715953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30998163692670544792014-04-09T13:32:51.871-04:002014-04-09T13:32:51.871-04:00No - I think this could be worded much better. The...No - I think this could be worded much better. The ending is awkward and when the character feels bored, so will I as a reader.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06213374083665800577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12678792361948693752014-04-09T12:58:27.049-04:002014-04-09T12:58:27.049-04:00No, I don't mind where it begins, but would li...No, I don't mind where it begins, but would like more personality or snark in the voice for me to be on his or her team. Plus the second half of the sentence is awkward. danikahttp://danikadinsmore.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78833013011199892042014-04-09T12:40:20.392-04:002014-04-09T12:40:20.392-04:00No
The technical errors were too much for me. The...No<br /><br />The technical errors were too much for me. There's a word missing almost immediately, as well as either quotations or hyphanations missing around the "where your root..." bitSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46188658780470305242014-04-09T12:30:44.696-04:002014-04-09T12:30:44.696-04:00No. I'm just not interested in where this is g...No. I'm just not interested in where this is going. No snark, just boredom in the voice.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03919168793141404359noreply@blogger.com