tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1638478359191739125..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #23Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4742190590168527742012-02-26T18:21:49.154-05:002012-02-26T18:21:49.154-05:00No. It's clear and suggests that you probably ...No. It's clear and suggests that you probably have a good handle with story telling, but the line by itself didn't hook me. It's possible the first paragraph will, but the first line didn't.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22299577654084963862012-02-25T20:11:16.489-05:002012-02-25T20:11:16.489-05:00Yes.
I like how this first sentence gives us a se...Yes.<br /><br />I like how this first sentence gives us a sense of emotion, the main character and looming conflict right away.Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09521315180241354286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56553262177366325472012-02-25T17:32:06.097-05:002012-02-25T17:32:06.097-05:00Yes, but I'm nervous. Did something happen to ...Yes, but I'm nervous. Did something happen to Dad? Is something going to happen to him? I'd read on, but I'm already trembling.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77955846900838946892012-02-25T16:56:36.130-05:002012-02-25T16:56:36.130-05:00Yes. it grabs me. I like the "so long" a...Yes. it grabs me. I like the "so long" and your voice. I want to know what kind of circumstances would have to exist for a dad to say that to their child. I see you are writing a paranormal-- so my suggestion would be to put the word "the" in there with monsters maybe? like "the monsters couldn't get me" don't know if that works with your story, but it sounds more specific, rather than the standard monsters under the bed that spring to mind... good luck!HMLnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22822133368069615622012-02-25T02:43:35.274-05:002012-02-25T02:43:35.274-05:00Yes. It shows us in very few words about the relat...Yes. It shows us in very few words about the relationship between the father and daughter. The 'used to' intrigued me too. Is Dad not around anymore, or does he just not say this? And the fact the MC is mentioning this now suggests that there is a monster in the near future, especially given the genre.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89627250317797832012012-02-25T00:07:09.780-05:002012-02-25T00:07:09.780-05:00Yes. This one was great, plus I knew right off the...Yes. This one was great, plus I knew right off the bat it was YA without seeing the genre.Stephanie Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17437077559099315853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38032903254833963122012-02-24T20:26:44.992-05:002012-02-24T20:26:44.992-05:00No. The sentence feels a bit awkward at the end, &...No. The sentence feels a bit awkward at the end, "so long as one person loved me."<br /><br />What would be more clear to me: "Dad used to insist that monsters couldn't get me as long as I was loved."Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56171646985611418722012-02-24T17:33:48.068-05:002012-02-24T17:33:48.068-05:00Yes, but a hesitant one. I thought it was sweet, b...Yes, but a hesitant one. I thought it was sweet, but sounded more MG than YA. Also borderline cliche. But it was a simple and clean set up, which I liked.danika dinsmorehttp://theaccidentalnovelist.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41379095991317681192012-02-24T16:29:54.074-05:002012-02-24T16:29:54.074-05:00Yes. It raises a lot of story questions to entice ...Yes. It raises a lot of story questions to entice me to read on.A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22395960298847948632012-02-24T13:19:02.431-05:002012-02-24T13:19:02.431-05:00Yes. I want to read more, find out why this love ...Yes. I want to read more, find out why this love can save/protect the narrator and learn more about the monsters. Starts like a typical child's memory, but more. So yes because it definitely gets my attention.MPH2003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62174107433064918102012-02-24T12:41:18.224-05:002012-02-24T12:41:18.224-05:00Yes. This did get my attention and I would like to...Yes. This did get my attention and I would like to read more. I agree that the word 'that' should go before the word monsters and the word 'used' makes it sound like the father is deceased or maybe missing? and not sure about the 'so long' shouldn't this be 'as long'Nata Cynthia Artistadonnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09790244390075247862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38285689883641863642012-02-24T09:52:17.517-05:002012-02-24T09:52:17.517-05:00yes. i was drawn to a sense of sadness and the use...yes. i was drawn to a sense of sadness and the use of this sadness as foreshadowing of something dire.mjbnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63492178713501577602012-02-24T08:54:39.469-05:002012-02-24T08:54:39.469-05:00Yes. First and foremost, I think it's adorable...Yes. First and foremost, I think it's adorable. On top of that, I want to know more about the relationship between the MC and the father. I want to know if there are monsters. I'm curious, which is a great reaction to get from a reader at the beginning of a book.Ashley Turcottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07641064437873182899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48218182495672083652012-02-24T03:24:31.234-05:002012-02-24T03:24:31.234-05:00Yes. It's familiar, yet different. Will draw i...Yes. It's familiar, yet different. Will draw in the audience you want. It's a good start to a paranormal story.Steph Suhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09834692034486125015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87939776929730091012012-02-24T01:22:15.709-05:002012-02-24T01:22:15.709-05:00Yes. It's making a big promise for the story r...Yes. It's making a big promise for the story right away.Beth Hnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50556503854482014372012-02-23T22:15:39.917-05:002012-02-23T22:15:39.917-05:00Yes. This raises so many questions!Yes. This raises so many questions!Juliahttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66211963625180337292012-02-23T20:57:35.579-05:002012-02-23T20:57:35.579-05:00Yes.
I'm curious what is going to happen next...Yes.<br /><br />I'm curious what is going to happen next. Is a monster coming? Is one person going to love her? Was her dad wrong? I get the feeling danger is coming and I like it.Aprilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01728478183993761568noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71163266995299820892012-02-23T19:48:29.996-05:002012-02-23T19:48:29.996-05:00Yes!!
Sounds like a cool coming-of age story, in...Yes!! <br /><br />Sounds like a cool coming-of age story, in which the MC realizes that, even when someone loves you, monsters can come anyway. I totally disagree that it sounds MG, it didn't really sound sweet to me (unless it was just the sweet before the sour) and I'm okay without the "that" before "monsters." Just saying.<br /><br />Excellent sentence.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50855464767745362652012-02-23T19:45:35.693-05:002012-02-23T19:45:35.693-05:00Yes. It tells quite a lot in a very few words. She...Yes. It tells quite a lot in a very few words. She has a father who loved her, there are monsters to be afraid of, and there's the hint that something bad is most definitely about to happen.Wen Baragreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17741246296963740806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44099779644973952082012-02-23T18:28:13.183-05:002012-02-23T18:28:13.183-05:00Yes, it's very sweet and slightly ominous.Yes, it's very sweet and slightly ominous.Amanda S. Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03865077959290947501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55662786630410400032012-02-23T17:50:05.292-05:002012-02-23T17:50:05.292-05:00Yes, threat (that we all can relate to) and the lo...Yes, threat (that we all can relate to) and the loophole/escape clause with the hint that a problem looms.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55939236804438714182012-02-23T16:54:26.538-05:002012-02-23T16:54:26.538-05:00Yes. I think it's sweet, although it may read ...Yes. I think it's sweet, although it may read as a bit too sweet for some.Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02106422736653397018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43771186719357616512012-02-23T16:29:54.146-05:002012-02-23T16:29:54.146-05:00I like the set up that love is safety.I like the set up that love is safety.Heidinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87154531614603738262012-02-23T16:01:42.569-05:002012-02-23T16:01:42.569-05:00Yes. Really nice sense of tension set up here.Yes. Really nice sense of tension set up here.Shakier Anthemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169934547082128953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75742202803817994842012-02-23T15:53:46.312-05:002012-02-23T15:53:46.312-05:00Yes.
I love simple lines that imply a lot. It see...Yes.<br /><br />I love simple lines that imply a lot. It seems very bittersweet. This gives me hints at a comforting father/child relationship, but the "used to" makes me wonder whether the father had died and now that the MC has no one's love, the monsters are moving in. I also wonder what kind of monsters we're dealing with, here. <br /><br />The line, though, leads me to hope the MC will gain someone else's love to help combat the monsters--except the genre is YA paranormal and not paranormal romance, so I'm not sure what to expect.Heathernoreply@blogger.com