tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1649509482077474075..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 15 Drop the NeedleAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11126942824892663262009-05-10T23:54:00.000-04:002009-05-10T23:54:00.000-04:00This is interesting and well written. Other than w...This is interesting and well written. Other than what I presume is a typo in the beginning, I thought this was funny and moved along nicely. I'd like to read more!Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34070699745207706272009-05-06T21:17:00.000-04:002009-05-06T21:17:00.000-04:00I like the line about slaughtering pigs, and the s...I like the line about slaughtering pigs, and the spray of apple bits. Her saying the part about "perfectly manicured nails" not so much -- would a woman really say that at that moment? <br /><br /><br />Mark in the Seattle areaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36568720625187701872009-05-06T20:07:00.000-04:002009-05-06T20:07:00.000-04:00Thanks, goldchevy! I use the word "wanna" for Jess...Thanks, goldchevy! I use the word "wanna" for Jessica only because (and you would have no way of knowing this from this excerpt) but she's southern and has a bit of a twang.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18911867561150991462009-05-06T19:51:00.000-04:002009-05-06T19:51:00.000-04:00I like Jessica's anger and most of the dialogue. ...I like Jessica's anger and most of the dialogue. The first dialogue line doesn't read like she's speaking as if the audience was stupid. And I wouldn't use "wanna" but I would spell it normally. I really like the image of the bits of apple spraying from Ryan's mouth. Funny.goldchevyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16820286495352496583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21918635179070402832009-05-06T15:51:00.000-04:002009-05-06T15:51:00.000-04:00The phrase "I've slaughtered pigs for Pete's sake"...The phrase "I've slaughtered pigs for Pete's sake" was great - I liked this a lot. Nice drama plus humour.Keznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5296896679196917342009-05-06T13:53:00.000-04:002009-05-06T13:53:00.000-04:00Thanks, theflightlytempstress and Jessie17, it is ...Thanks, theflightlytempstress and Jessie17, it is an editing thing as I condensed some of this from the original to make it fit the 250 words. How it reads in my MS is: "Ryan and Heath are going to work while you and I will talk."<br />Sorry bout any confusion. Thanks again!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78342951076490498022009-05-06T12:48:00.000-04:002009-05-06T12:48:00.000-04:00I agree with the editing comment. That one senten...I agree with the editing comment. That one sentence about Heath and Ryan going to work threw me.<br />Really liked the use of the apple as a "showing" device; choking on it, spraying bits of it out.<br />I also thought the first paragraph had a funny description of how Jessica spoke her words. That was cute.<br />Jessica's anger escalated well, so you did a nice job with her reactions and overall the dialog was very believable.Jessie17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78902405453598340932009-05-06T09:53:00.000-04:002009-05-06T09:53:00.000-04:00I liked this, liked Jessica's anger. I've entered...I liked this, liked Jessica's anger. I've entered editor mode (officially), so the few grammatical mistakes did jar me momentarily, but I'm not sure if others would have the same problem. The only really noticeable "Huh?" was "Ryan and Heath are going to work we'll talk."<br /><br />I have no idea what that means. They'll talk at work? They'll talk after they leave for work? Maybe it was an editing thing? Anyway, that needs to be clarified.<br /><br />I think you could use stronger verbs in a few places: went, and continued. Continued is actually used twice in the passage, which could be fixed easily. <br /><br />Anywho, I enjoyed it. :) Yay for slaughtering pigs?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com