tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1678965168154348928..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: #48 YA, Science Fiction: AnomalyAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25539952996060390652011-12-13T17:37:04.098-05:002011-12-13T17:37:04.098-05:00#48 ANOMALY
Logline: I found this interesting, bu...#48 ANOMALY<br /><br />Logline: I found this interesting, but I got bogged down in details that weren’t quite clear to me. “Someone” drugs the teens, or is that the purpose of sending them there, for their latent tendencies to be unlocked or for them to be destroyed? And does the last line mean Sloan’s contemplating taking the drug and killing everyone else (wait, but she’s not a killer!), or letting all of the others kill each other? I'm SURE there's another solution. :)<br /><br />Line notes: I tripped on Desolate as a noun instead of adjective a couple of times. Don’t get me wrong, I'm not above verbing a noun or nouning a verb, but I thought the Desolate might be the people instead of the place.<br />Watch out for the redundancy in the “I mistakenly thought”… “I was wrong” line. <br /><br />Overall: I’m intrigued by the futuristic setting, and I like the way you’ve gently woven in details that are building this slightly unfamiliar world. It sounds like there are some high stakes, and I’d be interested to know more about the world and stakes you’ve created.Sarah Shumwayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18241110372281920996noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12778923776529355852011-12-06T12:19:03.112-05:002011-12-06T12:19:03.112-05:00Man! I showed up an hour late because of an early...Man! I showed up an hour late because of an early morning meeting and so far 3 of the ms I wanted were gone even before I got to the office. Sheesh. *kicks the dirt*Laura Bradfordnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46072134347176203762011-12-06T11:25:46.515-05:002011-12-06T11:25:46.515-05:00*gloats* Finally!*gloats* Finally!Lauren MacLeodhttp://www.strothmanagency.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64062758443354574792011-12-06T11:25:09.958-05:002011-12-06T11:25:09.958-05:00BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED!BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED!Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11786596710725641622011-12-06T11:24:37.221-05:002011-12-06T11:24:37.221-05:00Gah!Gah!Tamar Rydzinskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10257464963703099847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85338599203578699532011-12-06T11:24:13.441-05:002011-12-06T11:24:13.441-05:00FullFullLauren MacLeodhttp://www.strothmanagency.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42486410421890740942011-12-06T11:23:59.669-05:002011-12-06T11:23:59.669-05:00150 pages.150 pages.Lauren MacLeodnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91362069786944103382011-12-06T11:23:40.395-05:002011-12-06T11:23:40.395-05:00149 pages.149 pages.Lauren MacLeodnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56023925590399602592011-12-06T11:22:12.586-05:002011-12-06T11:22:12.586-05:00125 pages125 pagesTamar Rydzinskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10257464963703099847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90580662866038319622011-12-06T11:19:36.547-05:002011-12-06T11:19:36.547-05:0095 pages95 pagesLauren MacLeodhttp://www.strothmanagency.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22769295760908369962011-12-06T11:07:44.578-05:002011-12-06T11:07:44.578-05:0075 pages75 pagesTamar Rydzinskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10257464963703099847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52346457814925709492011-12-06T11:07:00.068-05:002011-12-06T11:07:00.068-05:0050 pages.50 pages.Lauren MacLeodhttp://www.strothmanagency.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6716709032287647292011-12-06T11:05:54.535-05:002011-12-06T11:05:54.535-05:00I bid 25 pagesI bid 25 pagesTamar Rydzinskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10257464963703099847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10737225643118161482011-12-06T10:20:22.114-05:002011-12-06T10:20:22.114-05:00I've had the opportunity to read a bit more of...I've had the opportunity to read a bit more of this than the 250, and I'm so excited to see it here! I'm a sucker for this kind of book and this one doesn't dissapoint! <br /><br />Go sci-fi! YAY!<br /><br />Best of luck in the auction today!Editor Cassandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575298681582664196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39151853065667090442011-12-05T22:57:25.982-05:002011-12-05T22:57:25.982-05:00The log line did get me interested. I do like cert...The log line did get me interested. I do like certain elements that show that this is futuristic and science fiction, but the main character seems a bit flat to me in the bit that's posted. I know it's the first 250 words, but I would have liked to see something on why she is at the airport and how she feels, not just 'here I am at the airport, and mom is saying goodbye like she'll never see me again". When I pick a book up off the shelf, the first thing I read is the back - your logline got me to read on. What I usually do from there is read the first page. If this was a book in a store, I wouldn't end up buying it because the first page didn't grab me. It is your choice as the author, but I think there needs to be something more with why she is at the airport in the first place.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51692182710293097422011-12-05T22:19:59.318-05:002011-12-05T22:19:59.318-05:00This is an interesting conflict a bit like Minorit...This is an interesting conflict a bit like Minority Report--is someone who hasn't yet committed a crime still guilty? And are they worth saving? Very cool idea.<br /><br />The first sentence sets me in present tense, and then the next is past tense. Careful with the shift since this is the reader's first impression. Also, this may be just me, but using "craptastic" in the first line almost struck me as imitation teen voice versus authentic. Maybe waiting until later in the book to use it might help?<br /><br />The magnetic track and other SF details were nicely woven in, and I love her mother's voice and personality.<br /><br />I like this opening as is, but I wonder if there's a way to add a little tension of what's to come. How is this goodbye different than any other airport goodbye in a YA novel? You want it to stand out right away. Could you mention a detail of Project Reform, if that's where she's headed? Even better if she's already on her way to Desolate. You're really good at weaving the little things in that hook the reader--like the magnetic track--so I'm sure it would be easy to sneak in some hint of what's to come.<br /><br />Good luck!Amanda Sunnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44366023956576255402011-12-05T15:42:01.627-05:002011-12-05T15:42:01.627-05:00I agree with Laina about the logline. We know she&...I agree with Laina about the logline. We know she's not going to let everyone die (that would make a short story and an unsympathetic and shortlived MC), so could you either show how she intends to catch the killer or mention that even though she is conflicted about whether to let them die she has to do the right thing?<br /><br />Apart from that, the premise sounds awesome, and I liked the voice in the excerpt.Sophiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17926811798176739307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18849374836326595662011-12-03T12:25:28.619-05:002011-12-03T12:25:28.619-05:00Your logline sucked me right in! I think the line ...Your logline sucked me right in! I think the line about an island full of teenage killers pretty much ensured my interest from then on.<br /><br />The voice was very authentic--I especially like the line "Don't sass me, mija." I can practically hear her accent ;). Also loved the "well don't tell me fifty times, then" line since I can definitely relate! Ok, pretty much, I just loved the dialogue, period. <br /><br />Great job cluing the reader into the fact that this is Sci-Fi with just a few unfamiliar things: car on the magnetic track and green-biotics. <br /><br />Despite the lack of action in the opening, I would definitely read on for the voice alone!<br /><br />Great job and good luck!Jessica Leakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03443106239685216080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25941252128433212952011-12-03T03:04:27.498-05:002011-12-03T03:04:27.498-05:00Great concept, and I love the voice! I'd defin...Great concept, and I love the voice! I'd definitely keep reading. Good luck!Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83207146779821177572011-12-02T18:12:36.512-05:002011-12-02T18:12:36.512-05:00Really, REALLY great voice. I love the mom-daughte...Really, REALLY great voice. I love the mom-daughter relationship and the characters already have a wonderful depth to them just from the first 250 words. Wonderfully done!! About your logline, though, I liked it a lot--but I want to know <i>why</i> she has to make the decision. Why does she care about the Desolate? Is it a boy? ;) <br /><br />So, yeah, wonderful voice, and I would definitely keep on reading. :D<br /><br />Great job and good luck!!Diana Juliannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12645346227759177481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45405272398985511532011-12-02T17:13:46.116-05:002011-12-02T17:13:46.116-05:00Great premise!! Brain scanning for government init...Great premise!! Brain scanning for government initiative and teen killers--sounds very Jason Bourne, awesome stuff! <br />I loved your excerpt, too. The relationship with her mom is very cute and believable, I liked their banter. My only qualm is the opening lines. I'm not sure you need them. I really got into the story with the excellent dialogue, so I'd suggest starting where her mom speaks (strong opening dialogue for a scene like this), and moving the description of the airport and the car on the magnetic track down a few lines, because you do need those. It just seemed like when Mom speaks, that's where your story really starts. Loved it from there!Cortney Pearsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00774060537148628453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75684831899208723402011-12-02T16:49:53.788-05:002011-12-02T16:49:53.788-05:00The spooky drug-to-make-people-killers is a great ...The spooky drug-to-make-people-killers is a great hook! I also like the world set-up here, with the magnetic thing pulling the car, as well as the green-biotics (hilarious term). Then, thrown into the mix, a mother's universal concern at saying goodbye. Well done!Beth Hullhttp://bethhull.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34646096754341073752011-12-02T16:46:22.549-05:002011-12-02T16:46:22.549-05:00Wow, this Alaina person seems to be missing the &q...Wow, this Alaina person seems to be missing the "constructive" part of "constructive criticism." And I've seen her do this on some of the other entries, too. :(<br /><br />I think the hook in the log line is excellent! If you want to revise it, you could better explain her alternatives to saving the Desolate.<br /><br />Also, the beginning has a strong voice. A little more tension could be infused with her upcoming trial, but even so, the voice carries it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79816908340973953062011-12-02T16:36:22.816-05:002011-12-02T16:36:22.816-05:00Great voice and intriguing premise. I'd defini...Great voice and intriguing premise. I'd definitely turn the page! <3Brenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86005370003168227302011-12-02T15:50:08.770-05:002011-12-02T15:50:08.770-05:00I love the voice and the premise! I'd totally ...I love the voice and the premise! I'd totally read more!Brooklyn Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11285434689426722832noreply@blogger.com