tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1697991316836194761..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent Contest #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66303057321283476342011-08-18T08:45:08.238-04:002011-08-18T08:45:08.238-04:00Wow. It's funny how often I critique others...Wow. It's funny how often I critique others' work and say that they're not trusting the reader enough, but I don't see that I'm doing the exact same thing in my own opening. I think a few simple edits will go a long way in establishing where the characters are without sounding forced. <br /><br />Thanks so much for all the comments.Author #3noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60519855378894858172011-08-18T06:13:36.209-04:002011-08-18T06:13:36.209-04:00Is there another way of showing that it's a sc...Is there another way of showing that it's a school for cyborgs? It's like 'wizard school', great for letting the reader know quickly, but it sounds a little forced. I'd read more of this.Sarah Tokeleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13273148070092101085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19615600894893745772011-08-17T16:10:08.702-04:002011-08-17T16:10:08.702-04:00Hmmmm. I feel like my hand is being held a bit too...Hmmmm. I feel like my hand is being held a bit too tightly. I like to slip into strange worlds with a bit more ease. I can feel the presence of the author here, working overhard to educate me on the rules of the scene. It's not bad, but I find myself distracted by craft choices throughout this opener.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58888217584930604402011-08-17T15:59:40.206-04:002011-08-17T15:59:40.206-04:00I can tell that the development of emotions is goi...I can tell that the development of emotions is going to play heavily into the story arc, but right now I have no idea what or who poor Angel is. I'd read on, but the story would have to be really compelling to draw me into a character I don't understand. Hope it is - good luck!erica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28766648854033623292011-08-17T15:40:41.668-04:002011-08-17T15:40:41.668-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62812631270861321632011-08-17T15:39:53.548-04:002011-08-17T15:39:53.548-04:00The topic is intriguing and I'd stick with it ...The topic is intriguing and I'd stick with it just for that. I do think you could perhaps get more of angel into it though--a bit more of what she's thinking and feeling. Or perhaps cyborgs don't feel? In which case show that. But I'd read more.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45126735751733466132011-08-17T14:39:15.701-04:002011-08-17T14:39:15.701-04:00I'm hooked. I want to know more, especially ab...I'm hooked. I want to know more, especially about the cyborg stuff. I'm also wondering what the MC is doing while her parents are arguing. Is she not listening? Is she listening to music or just drowning them out?Lisa B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11499350159201423248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80963200953199989392011-08-17T13:30:25.578-04:002011-08-17T13:30:25.578-04:00I'm intrigued.
The second sentence seemed a bi...I'm intrigued.<br />The second sentence seemed a bit off. Maybe -the volume had risen by 9.5 decibels for the third time?<br />I'd read more.kaureliusnoreply@blogger.com