tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1792234207915878380..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76396465179962772632012-02-25T20:03:47.603-05:002012-02-25T20:03:47.603-05:00Yes.
I liked the quirkiness of this voice and ide...Yes.<br /><br />I liked the quirkiness of this voice and idea. Like someone else mentioned, I like how it shows in the first sentence how the narrator feels about the father. I'm sufficiently intrigued to keep reading.Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09521315180241354286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16527705527725866922012-02-25T14:16:15.342-05:002012-02-25T14:16:15.342-05:00No.
As Heidi mentioned, "arrested" and ...No.<br /><br />As Heidi mentioned, "arrested" and "sit-in" go hand in hand. In fact, sometimes getting arrested is the point of the sit-in, so there's nothing surprising there. Also, the rhythm of "bailed out of jail" is kinda sing-songy.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69102876584977915632012-02-25T03:01:21.912-05:002012-02-25T03:01:21.912-05:00No. You're telling us this and there's no ...No. You're telling us this and there's no voice or sense of the MC. Show us what happens. Does the MC's mother get a call? What's her reaction? Does the MC see his father get dragged off by the cops?Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35344862488249583042012-02-24T18:03:27.441-05:002012-02-24T18:03:27.441-05:00Yes. I'm surprised by all the no's.
Sure...Yes. I'm surprised by all the no's. <br /><br />Sure, you could change "behavior" to "conduct" or put it in less passive terms, but that didn't keep it from intriguing me. I thought the idea was interesting and original. I have friends with hippie parents, so it made me laugh. <br /><br />As far as appropriateness for MG, I think MG books can take on tougher topics than this and still work for that age level (MOCKINGBIRD was about the aftermath of a school shooting, for instance). I don't think we should condescend to children and there are probably plenty of children who could relate to this.danika dinsmorenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80420629740377590502012-02-24T16:56:32.843-05:002012-02-24T16:56:32.843-05:00No. This might be a true fact central to the story...No. This might be a true fact central to the story, but the first line should be about the protagnist. Maybe seeing his dad arrested and describing it, or how he felt when his dad was arrested.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44291546482829901322012-02-24T16:49:39.536-05:002012-02-24T16:49:39.536-05:00No. Too passive for me for a first sentence.No. Too passive for me for a first sentence.A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34366930808898553062012-02-24T14:34:01.178-05:002012-02-24T14:34:01.178-05:00Yes. Disorderly behavior at a sit-in tells alot ab...Yes. Disorderly behavior at a sit-in tells alot about the dad's character and the mc's life. You've hinted at a larger picture in one sentence. Good work!Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82334522015080656142012-02-24T13:28:12.164-05:002012-02-24T13:28:12.164-05:00No. It has potential, but I would get it out of th...No. It has potential, but I would get it out of the passive voice. *Who* has to bail him out? This could tell a lot about the family dynamics, but it's not doing so at the moment. There's a big difference between "Mom had to bail Dad out of jail" and "I had to bike down to the police station to bail Dad out of jail," or grandma, or whoever.Shakier Anthemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169934547082128953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67651412189873421292012-02-24T13:19:12.568-05:002012-02-24T13:19:12.568-05:00No. Didn't get my attention.
'disorderly...No. Didn't get my attention. <br /> 'disorderly behavior at a sit-in' I'm confused as to what sit in?Nata Cynthia Artistadonnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09790244390075247862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77408240947071535752012-02-24T13:02:19.218-05:002012-02-24T13:02:19.218-05:00Yes. I want to know why they were at a sit-in, pro...Yes. I want to know why they were at a sit-in, protesting what, what Dad did, etc.Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12982658283892632452012-02-24T12:34:31.008-05:002012-02-24T12:34:31.008-05:00No. Disorderly behavior and sit-ins are pretty han...No. Disorderly behavior and sit-ins are pretty hand in hand, since just being at a sit-in can be considered disorderly behavior. Sub sit-in for something else and maybe.Heidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17237687110595005423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74795106551426700722012-02-24T09:45:48.243-05:002012-02-24T09:45:48.243-05:00Yes. Coming in this late allows me to agree with b...Yes. Coming in this late allows me to agree with both the pro and con entries above. Love the "bored" voice and alos love to see what he did at the sit-in. Would also agree the line can be tweeked to dash it even more with bits of detail (without over writing/over reaching).geewizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05851827620960530141noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87221933327787588512012-02-24T06:31:49.126-05:002012-02-24T06:31:49.126-05:00Yes. I want to know more, and why the narrator is ...Yes. I want to know more, and why the narrator is saying this in such a bored, straight forward way. Does this happen often? Is it a normal sort of thing in her family? The next couple of sentences are going to be pretty crucial though, as I'm not 100% hooked, here.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54038045132612030492012-02-24T01:03:03.819-05:002012-02-24T01:03:03.819-05:00No. I don't hear a unique enough voice here, e...No. I don't hear a unique enough voice here, especially not for MG.Beth Hnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23127353847835718942012-02-23T18:35:57.482-05:002012-02-23T18:35:57.482-05:00Yes, I thought it was funny.Yes, I thought it was funny.Amanda S. Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03865077959290947501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58898270371870208562012-02-23T17:19:24.626-05:002012-02-23T17:19:24.626-05:00No. The concept is funny, but the wording and voca...No. The concept is funny, but the wording and vocabulary are off.JL Dannorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15144540248274739914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12632034366044906442012-02-23T16:42:20.449-05:002012-02-23T16:42:20.449-05:00No. I'm not sure why, but I actually found it ...No. I'm not sure why, but I actually found it kind of jarring.Ashley Turcottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07641064437873182899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42409766649060470532012-02-23T15:11:49.974-05:002012-02-23T15:11:49.974-05:00Close enough to go with yes, but it's kinda pa...Close enough to go with yes, but it's kinda passive. Funny, but passive.DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88863552771014113262012-02-23T15:09:09.993-05:002012-02-23T15:09:09.993-05:00Yes. Although it's not exactly there yet. I ...Yes. Although it's not exactly there yet. I just like it because it seems different. I also like when kids are the "grown-ups" and vice versa. Funny.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39162336863622041432012-02-23T14:45:35.259-05:002012-02-23T14:45:35.259-05:00No, because it starts with the father and not the ...No, because it starts with the father and not the MC.Pattihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00685341739870191402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58734426785753912362012-02-23T14:39:17.814-05:002012-02-23T14:39:17.814-05:00No. There's really no voice here, and the lan...No. There's really no voice here, and the language isn't very MG.Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37855801416706876232012-02-23T14:13:39.957-05:002012-02-23T14:13:39.957-05:00No. Too many conjunctions for me in this sentence:...No. Too many conjunctions for me in this sentence: of, for, at. They make it feel like you're trying to cram in too much information, though some of the suggestions above for rewording would fix a lot of that. Good luck!Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58141975916529554292012-02-23T13:53:01.318-05:002012-02-23T13:53:01.318-05:00Yes. I'm amused by the idea of disorderly cond...Yes. I'm amused by the idea of disorderly conduct at a sit-in -- the implication that it wasn't the fact that he was participating in an otherwise peaceful protest that got him arrested, but that of all the people sitting in, this guy was disorderly about it.Ruhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04217026218961932530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44723236562445740322012-02-23T13:19:44.325-05:002012-02-23T13:19:44.325-05:00Yes.
As the child of hippy parents, this made me s...Yes.<br />As the child of hippy parents, this made me smile. I do this disorderly conduct is the correct term, but you may have a reason for phrasing it as you did. I also like some of the ideas to make it more active, but I think you have a great start.Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13721338870088767902012-02-23T12:54:54.423-05:002012-02-23T12:54:54.423-05:00Yes, but in your revision think about turning it a...Yes, but in your revision think about turning it active: <br /><br />The first thing we did that Saturday morning was bail Dad out of jail. He's the only person I know who could get arrested for disorderly conduct at a sit-in.Sarah Floydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11202671048418865629noreply@blogger.com