tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1806205776386478052..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: (51) MG Adventure: Dust and BonesAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16534725136106113532012-12-04T19:05:33.826-05:002012-12-04T19:05:33.826-05:00BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED.BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED.Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52560957083749709602012-12-04T19:00:13.793-05:002012-12-04T19:00:13.793-05:00Full!Full!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10809119446636987898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5574848810337941902012-12-04T19:00:06.910-05:002012-12-04T19:00:06.910-05:00150150Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10809119446636987898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9013366695090452842012-12-04T18:28:35.194-05:002012-12-04T18:28:35.194-05:00Can I just call full on this? Can I just call full on this? Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10809119446636987898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82436771436418920552012-12-04T11:58:07.229-05:002012-12-04T11:58:07.229-05:00120.120.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10809119446636987898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89173804794829142352012-12-04T11:54:35.366-05:002012-12-04T11:54:35.366-05:00100100Danielle Chiottinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60874651220565709632012-12-04T11:36:48.111-05:002012-12-04T11:36:48.111-05:0080 :)80 :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10809119446636987898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87817551437423114452012-12-04T11:35:12.309-05:002012-12-04T11:35:12.309-05:00Give me 60, why not?Give me 60, why not?Ammi-Joan Paquettenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17367450916173341912012-12-04T11:21:20.942-05:002012-12-04T11:21:20.942-05:00i bid 40.i bid 40.Danielle Chiottihttp://www.upstartcrowliterary.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24216025629179093902012-12-04T11:19:24.076-05:002012-12-04T11:19:24.076-05:00I bid 20.I bid 20.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10809119446636987898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78697534118174439192012-12-04T11:17:39.514-05:002012-12-04T11:17:39.514-05:00I'll bid 10I'll bid 10Ammi-Joan Paquettenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79398837023165986782012-12-04T06:01:12.221-05:002012-12-04T06:01:12.221-05:00This excerpt is more of a flashback rather than pl...This excerpt is more of a flashback rather than placing me in the here and now, which makes me wonder if you're starting the adventure in the right place. Don't get me wrong, I love the premise and the writing, and I think some of the set-up can be worked in, but I'd like to see more action. For example, if you started with the last line, and then worked in how tired he was while wandering the streets of Xi'an-- and then something "BAM" happens-- I'd be one happy camper. Again, like I said in another crit, these first 250 words wouldn't stop me from reading. Good luck!Samantha Véranthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07446488761214047647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5965716255120258692012-12-03T20:20:21.017-05:002012-12-03T20:20:21.017-05:00Since the appropriate age label of this submission...Since the appropriate age label of this submission seems to be up in the air, let’s start there. It’s unusual for characters to be this old in a manuscript and still have it be characterized as middle grade. This section alone isn’t enough for me to say where this would better sit. If there’s more than the most innocent of romances (and by that, I mean blushing, giggles, and hand holding) this might sit better in YA. These fence-sitter ones are always hard, and I find myself rejecting the vast majority of projects that can’t decide where they really belong. <br /><br />I like that you’ve chosen to start with Ethan sneaking out, since it sets the story up with a cause and effect action from the start. Sneaking out never ends well, and based on your logline, this time will be no exception.<br /><br /><i> But </i> there’s been a whole lot of introspection in these opening paragraphs, and we haven’t gotten very far. I know Ethan’s hungry. I know he’s with his dad. I know his opinions on flying and the heat in the hotel room and why sleeping on the floor just isn’t really an option. I have no idea who Ethan is or why he and his dad are in China or why he’s been on the road suffering the torments of jetlag the last eighteen months. And I don’t think I have to know all of this in the first 250 words, either. But I’m wondering why what I <i> do </i> know is more important than what I <i> don’t.</i> If I was just laying this information out on a table and choosing what I think is important, I’m not sure I’d be selecting the details you’ve chosen to write about.<br /><br />You have an easiness to your writing, and with the exception of a few questionable word choices, I think you know how to build character and voice. Now the focus (especially for adventure) is nailing down your peaks and troughs of action, and when you need to build tension and keep things moving, and when you need to take the time for introspection and let the reader “catch his breath.” And all of that comes with the rest of the manuscript.Alison Weisshttps://twitter.com/EgmontUSAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9199200267473197172012-12-03T17:25:12.209-05:002012-12-03T17:25:12.209-05:00Not sure that an immortal evil makes the book adve...Not sure that an immortal evil makes the book adventure rather than fantasy. And maybe a bit more about why he is traveling, like his " travel writer father" or "researcher father" ...apparently paid no heed...etc. Whatever his father is (as we don't know at this point.)<br /><br />Overall, love it. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23833182477877416032012-12-03T14:25:54.307-05:002012-12-03T14:25:54.307-05:00There are too many uses of sleep in your third par...There are too many uses of sleep in your third paragraph. That's my only nitpick. <br /><br />I love the fact that he sneaks out on the first page, because we know IMMEDIATELY he's in trouble. That his dad is funny about those sort of things is nice, too. <br /><br />You've started with a bang, you've got your protag halfway up a tree, and I sense you've got a big old pile of rocks to throw at him. Nice. Myra McEntirehttp://myramcentire.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65096786167459587472012-12-02T12:01:53.514-05:002012-12-02T12:01:53.514-05:00Given the terrific logline, the into moves quickly...Given the terrific logline, the into moves quickly enough. I think it's best to carefully lay the scene rather than to hit the reader between the eyes. Slipping out the door into the night is plenty to hook me.<br /><br />However, I agree that this does tend toward YA. But that's easy enough to fix; change the genre to "YA Adventure."<br /><br />Good luck.Milhaudnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76719483641820275052012-12-01T10:13:04.095-05:002012-12-01T10:13:04.095-05:00I am drawn in by your logline, I want to read more...I am drawn in by your logline, I want to read more. I don't feel as if this moved too slowly, except perhaps the description on how they arrived at the sleeping arrangements. The details of his travels are vivid. I do think, however, that starting with a character ruminating may not be the best way. Also, sometimes the prose reads a little too formal and writerly: the first sentence of the third paragraph, for example. <br /><br />I like how the tension is already set up and my mind is ready for the adventures ahead for Ethan. Yat-Yeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04028075516122778317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19843618002060114322012-12-01T02:07:57.782-05:002012-12-01T02:07:57.782-05:00I don't have aproblem with the pace, I think i...I don't have aproblem with the pace, I think it reads smoothly, other than some of the vocab choices other commentors have picked up. <br />I think the rationale for him making the decision to go out unaccompanied is well done, andI'm guessing he meets his pickpocket when solo on the mean streets of Beijing.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87286519536551553112012-11-30T20:58:06.120-05:002012-11-30T20:58:06.120-05:00I do like the way this starts--it has texture and ...I do like the way this starts--it has texture and tells me the setting will be a vital part of the story, not just a backdrop. I think that 250 words invested in setting up is fine. <br />Love the "I'll only be gone a minute. It's just a block away." I'd be tempted to end the section there.kathyh-cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41417511687702726592012-11-30T20:15:23.542-05:002012-11-30T20:15:23.542-05:00I love the fact this is set in China, that it has ...I love the fact this is set in China, that it has boy and girl MCs, as well as both mysterious abductions and ancient and immortal evils. (In short, the story sounds like a cool one.)<br /><br />Having said that, although the writing is good and flows well, I end the piece without much of a handle about Ethan, beyond his fear of flying and his thoughts on jet lag. I'd prefer to find out whether he was excited to be in China, whether he's been there before, what he felt about accompanying his dad--even his reaction to his dad's snoring. I would also, in such an exotic setting, like more attention to sensory details--the smells, any strange noises, perhaps even the taste of polluted air. In essence, I feel you may be starting by emphasizing the wrong things to be worried about.<br /><br />I wish you the best of luck in the auction--I'll have my fingers crossed for you.Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43560977670622545352012-11-30T19:38:58.732-05:002012-11-30T19:38:58.732-05:00You've done an excellent job at describing the...You've done an excellent job at describing the setting. I really saw a clear picture of where Ethan is and how he's feeling. And I want to know what happens when he goes out. Good job pulling me into the story. Only thing I might delete is the line about his dad not paying attention to jetlag, as we already know he's sound asleep, so may be a little redundant. Good job!Andreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10418273865819171708noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23479537074053991552012-11-30T16:16:25.737-05:002012-11-30T16:16:25.737-05:00I really like this one. The apprehension, the sett...I really like this one. The apprehension, the setting, the whole thing screams adventure to me.<br /><br />I don't think the ages are an issue. MG vs. YA is more about content than it is about ages. There can even be a little romance, as long as it's clean.<br /><br />Also, I don't mind this opening at all. It's only like what - 200 words? I think it builds to the inciting incident perfectly.<br /><br />The only thing that bothers me is the mention of the potential plane crash, but that's only because I'm terrified of flying.<br /><br />Anyway, good luck to you!Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85725752871895184532012-11-30T15:47:03.540-05:002012-11-30T15:47:03.540-05:00Great premise. I see a few opportunities to show o...Great premise. I see a few opportunities to show over tell, like showing how Ethan felt the heat of the sweltering hotel room rather than stating it. There are varying opinions on how much to tell vs show and how much backstory to add in to a beginning. There's a lot of reflecting here rather than the character doing anything other than looking out a window. Maybe there's a more active scene between Ethan and Dad that can get the story going, like roaming the streets of Beijing where they could discuss the flight and whatever brought them to Beijing. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66547242137557283412012-11-30T15:35:27.827-05:002012-11-30T15:35:27.827-05:00This sounds really intriguing to me. Saving mankin...This sounds really intriguing to me. Saving mankind is a pretty ambitious task! I love the concept, I'd definitely read on. I agree with the others, with your MCs at 14 and 16, it sounds more YA than MG. Laurie Litwinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90224706932077816312012-11-30T13:54:06.361-05:002012-11-30T13:54:06.361-05:00Your logline drew me in right away. As soon as I ...Your logline drew me in right away. As soon as I read it, I knew I wanted to read more. Anything to do with China is sure to make me want to continue because of the potential it creates.<br />I think you paint the imagery of Ethan leaning out of the window while his dad snored, very well. The way he thinks is about right for a fourteen year old, apart from 'lest' and 'paid no heed', and the part about his dad being 'funny about that' is typical teenage sarcasm. A little tightening up of the opening sentences would improve the flow. I agree with other commenters that your novel would do better as a YA. I'm assuming there's going to be some romance along the way, so perhaps a decision needs to be made there.<br />Apart from that I think your novel has been set up very well. I know I would like to read more.<br />Valentina Hepburnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01671574149855533471noreply@blogger.com