tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1834112801693055153..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #51Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27654286581378685432010-05-24T01:20:18.478-04:002010-05-24T01:20:18.478-04:00I wish we knew why she was afraid of water; howeve...I wish we knew why she was afraid of water; however if it's explained in the following pages, then that would be great. I'd keep reading.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83680182311652746342010-05-22T23:04:21.654-04:002010-05-22T23:04:21.654-04:00I thought the writing was vivid and smooth, and yo...I thought the writing was vivid and smooth, and you have a lot of good questions and tension developing. Suggest dropping the first sentence and the "Of course," from the second sentence.Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43455200328109776012010-05-21T19:41:04.467-04:002010-05-21T19:41:04.467-04:00The opening parg is in an omniscient pov and the r...The opening parg is in an omniscient pov and the rest seems to be Evelyn's. You might want to keep the whole thing in Evelyn's POV and start with the boys coaxing her into the boat. Then show us she's afraid of the water.<br /><br />Perhaps also give us a hint of where they're headed or what they're up to, what trouble they might encounter. As is, it's in the realm of average and ordinary. Nothing compels me to read on.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60742571187570670472010-05-21T16:10:44.906-04:002010-05-21T16:10:44.906-04:00Not sure about this one. The writing is solid and ...Not sure about this one. The writing is solid and there is nothing "wrong" with it. But it just doesn't say "read more" to me. That said, the internal conflict you've built within the MC would allow me to give you a few more pages to see what's what here. And I guess that's the point to the first page--to get you to the next. So, kudos for that. Now let's hope that second and third page "speaks" to the reader, or better yet, that it YELLS, "Read the rest!"Mike Winchellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11771482167997501541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47138170227948680242010-05-21T14:18:15.895-04:002010-05-21T14:18:15.895-04:00I like this. I thought the voice was very MG--her ...I like this. I thought the voice was very MG--her concerns are MG and the language is very smooth.Kate Fallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12856887940900664692noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47234460946004269242010-05-20T17:05:10.702-04:002010-05-20T17:05:10.702-04:00Love it. Probably only me gets slightly jarred by ...Love it. Probably only me gets slightly jarred by a character named Wade and his watery excursions. And I'd say "to stay balanced" instead of "in order to stay balanced," but that's possibly also just me. Would definitely keep reading. (Of course I have no clue if the language and pacing is suitable for Upper MG.)Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55302555527505433832010-05-20T00:41:05.980-04:002010-05-20T00:41:05.980-04:00Ditto the confusion on who "Kate" is (if...Ditto the confusion on who "Kate" is (if it's not just a typo), but I'm intrigued by the situation and the voice is nice.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47524377820572389222010-05-19T23:20:44.823-04:002010-05-19T23:20:44.823-04:00I'd keep reading. I like the voice. I agree wi...I'd keep reading. I like the voice. I agree with the comments about showing she's nervous about the water instead of telling. Let the reader discover it.bfavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164661338051897220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40987739609754009932010-05-19T22:17:13.463-04:002010-05-19T22:17:13.463-04:00I liked this, but the first few paragraphs seemed ...I liked this, but the first few paragraphs seemed to tell the story instead of showing. Maybe start with action or dialogue, then add that part in thoughts. I liked the story though and would definitely read on.<br /><br />I also thought it read more like Y/A than MG.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51102945855844558402010-05-19T17:46:06.898-04:002010-05-19T17:46:06.898-04:00I like the opening sentence and the overall idea. ...I like the opening sentence and the overall idea. I questioned the language sometimes--thinking it felt more YA than MG. I know you are saying upper MG, but it feels like YA to me.Kelly Hashwayhttp://www.kellyhashway.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12073804065152411022010-05-19T17:44:44.359-04:002010-05-19T17:44:44.359-04:00Another island one! (I'm reading backwards.) I...Another island one! (I'm reading backwards.) I really liked this. I think it has a good mixture of showing and telling and the writing is great.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59743071926242264342010-05-19T17:31:13.732-04:002010-05-19T17:31:13.732-04:00I thought this was pretty strong overall. I'd ...I thought this was pretty strong overall. I'd read on to see if the boys she's trying to impress realize she's scared. I'd like a bit more suggestion as to what this story's about overall. I'd maybe start with the Darrin trying to coax her into the boat, have you intersperse that with more description of her reluctance, then maybe once she's in the boat, launch into the telling that you do in the first and second paras.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13145161728074595102010-05-19T15:59:37.630-04:002010-05-19T15:59:37.630-04:00I like this mysterious beginning. I'd read on ...I like this mysterious beginning. I'd read on to find out why Evelyn is afraid of the water. I like the description of the lagoon, and I can relate to Evelyn's desire to fit in with her friends while at the same time being afraid to do so.Roxyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09787088898112141579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47839887002829825272010-05-19T15:24:01.937-04:002010-05-19T15:24:01.937-04:00I'd keep reading, though I wonder if it wouldn...I'd keep reading, though I wonder if it wouldn't be better to show us Evelyn is afraid of the water rather than telling us.middle grade ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15132043736808253237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79924972197763728032010-05-19T14:55:45.691-04:002010-05-19T14:55:45.691-04:00Okay, who is Kate? That name threw me off at the ...Okay, who is Kate? That name threw me off at the end. I thought her name was Evelyn?<br /><br />Besides that though, I like the undercurrent of tension you've built here. I would definitely keep reading.<br /><br />Good luck.K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.com