tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1865596347766488576..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Five Sentences #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73045448072721584282015-02-27T00:28:58.297-05:002015-02-27T00:28:58.297-05:00My first thought, after reading the first five sen...My first thought, after reading the first five sentences, was how much the backstory--even with its lovely descriptions--slowed the action and direction of the opening. Can you find a way to weave these details of the narrator's past into the motion of the story? <br />I find the title intriguing :)Catnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75196637420418917232015-02-26T13:44:30.367-05:002015-02-26T13:44:30.367-05:00I'm curious to know the history here, but it m...I'm curious to know the history here, but it might help if you rearrange the order of things a little. Possibly begin with the pitching of the tent, and letting us know your MC's gender, and then you can add the reflective part about the house just a bit later on. Obviously there are some issues going on here with feelings, so finding out the background is good. Just night right out of the box. Good luck!Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11654130023793040672015-02-26T13:44:25.395-05:002015-02-26T13:44:25.395-05:00I'm curious to know the history here, but it m...I'm curious to know the history here, but it might help if you rearrange the order of things a little. Possibly begin with the pitching of the tent, and letting us know your MC's gender, and then you can add the reflective part about the house just a bit later on. Obviously there are some issues going on here with feelings, so finding out the background is good. Just night right out of the box. Good luck!Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67045493977808483002015-02-26T12:34:17.002-05:002015-02-26T12:34:17.002-05:00I got a little lost with jumping around in the bac...I got a little lost with jumping around in the backstory. The first sentence made me imagine a child, so I was expecting to hear more about the house from that perspective. The following sentence about being in the suburbs from break was confusing in that context. <br /><br />After that, once we're in the tent, I start to get a better feeling for the scene. It feels like women's fiction to me.hlbrixeynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86103866508812581302015-02-25T15:21:23.323-05:002015-02-25T15:21:23.323-05:00I agree with the previous comments - this feels li...I agree with the previous comments - this feels like backstory. I'd like to see more immediate action. What does she notice as she pitches the tent? Does she hit her thumb with a mallet, or stab herself with a tent peg? Does anyone come out? Do the curtains twitch? And why doesn't she want to go inside? Surely it's not just the itchy carpet?HGDShttp://www.google.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60179432847836289742015-02-25T14:41:08.783-05:002015-02-25T14:41:08.783-05:00I agree...the opening line is back-story. It does ...I agree...the opening line is back-story. It does "tell" me about the place, but not sure of its relevance in the opening. You could almost drop the first line. Good luck with your ms.GeeWizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06941244713771870949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24559169457509548912015-02-25T12:30:19.231-05:002015-02-25T12:30:19.231-05:00This has a bit more backstory than I would recomme...This has a bit more backstory than I would recommend, and it feels like a lot of information just for the first five sentences. Perhaps you could show us more about the character before you give us these details about their past?<br /><br />Good luck!Diana Sousahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06865131085459340068noreply@blogger.com