tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1894080000322384815..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Anger #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-424988932768417222014-05-02T17:13:27.816-04:002014-05-02T17:13:27.816-04:00This also read a bit slow to me and I didn't q...This also read a bit slow to me and I didn't quite get the anger. I got frustration, for Brenden since he's trying to help her and she's oppositional but we don't know why (though, if you have this written in dual POV and the reader knows what's going on for an earlier scene, this might make more sense).<br /><br />To keep up more of a suspense/thriller pacing, maybe consider reducing filler words. Show what needs to be shown in as few lines as you can to set more of a tone, that quick back-and-forth where they are clearly not understanding each other.<br /><br />For example, something like:<br /><br />Through the passenger side window, Jamie appeared, her mouth set to a thin line, eyeing him like [insert something that shows "expectantly" using your voice which matches tone/character/setting].<br /><br />He shoved open the cruiser door. <br /><br />(we don't need to know he reached for the door, only that he opened it. Though question here--he opened the door next to him but then tells her to sit in back? Maybe needs an explanation. Like, he auto-unlocks the back but she slides in front? Not quite following) <br /><br />Since we're in his POV, can you expand on his internal narration after he gives the canned line about the concerned citizens and the neighborhood watch? What is he thinking when he says this? What does he really see in her? He's a cop, I'm sure he's extremely observant. <br /><br />This:<br /><br />Brendan finally allowed himself to look directly into her eyes, which always elicited his truths. It was always his undoing.<br /><br />Maybe you can show him avoiding her gaze earlier because X [past hurt, whatever plot reason fits]. Perhaps show him squirming in his seat and thinking what he really thinks but saying something else.<br /><br />Her physical cues can let the reader know things too, things he as a cop would pick up on. Shrinking into herself, arms folded, twitching, etc. <br /><br />You have a great stage to work with! Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62708952106488524042014-05-02T09:37:04.003-04:002014-05-02T09:37:04.003-04:00I'm wondering why this turns into an argument....<br />I'm wondering why this turns into an argument. A guy is worried about a girl and she gets all bent out of shape? <br /><br />Maybe we could see why she doesn't want him around, which would explain it. It seems to be written in his POV and he doesn't know what she's hiding, but perhaps you could show her acting suspiciously or something? And maybe you have in earlier chapters. If that's the case, maybe have him remember an event that made him suspicious of her or worried about her. If you haven't, you might show her doing something suspicious or unexplainable. We need a reason for the argument and anger.<br /><br />Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39165084299063572792014-05-01T08:15:46.759-04:002014-05-01T08:15:46.759-04:00I agree with both of the above comments -- there&#...I agree with both of the above comments -- there's definitely tension between these two, but it's hidden by somewhat unnecessary details. Those took me out of the moment and tempered the tension. For example, at the beginning right before he opens the door for Jamie he's cursing and his heart is pounding, but then he drawls the first thing he says to her. If she's the one that has him so upset, I wouldn't expect him to be able to switch it off when he speaks to her, I'd expect him to be terse.<br /><br />Just a suggestion, of course, but I think with tightening up some things like that and the other areas mentioned above, the anger would really emerge from this scene.lwritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81283465376986996502014-04-30T22:37:33.687-04:002014-04-30T22:37:33.687-04:00I like Brendan's pretend disinterest. There...I like Brendan's pretend disinterest. There's definitely tension between them! I agree with the above poster about pace. My suggestions are more about word choice.<br /><br />he glanced at Jamie THROUGH ?? the passenger side window. (Delete "over")<br /><br />watching as she slid onto the seat AND shut it behind her<br /><br />Did she mean "What are you doing HERE?" (You could leave off the tag here and put "I think we already went over this," he said. "Just checking out a call.” This eliminates "she demanded to know.")<br /><br />Tighten to: Brendan finally allowed himself to look directly into her eyes, always his undoing.<br /><br />"...what makeS you think it’s any of your business to—”<br /><br />Delete "cutting her off there." It's obvious he cut her off.<br /><br />Can't shake a head with a chuckle.<br /><br />"...the flicker of irritation in her eyes sparking a slow burn of something else." Of what? Have Brendan make a guess.<br /><br />All just suggestions!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23107104343989382542014-04-30T10:31:54.120-04:002014-04-30T10:31:54.120-04:00I don't know. It seems slow in the dialogue. M...I don't know. It seems slow in the dialogue. Maybe the explanation of feelings and what's going on with facial expressions stops the tension. I feel like this can be more explosive if you cut to the chase. I'm sure by now in the story readers would know he has a thing for her, so why re-repeat it? It slows things down. And with her having something going on in the background, again, it probably doesn't need repeating. The tension by the end is good, but then it leaves as soon as it arrives. The MC is conflicted with holding back his secret love for her but wants to be there for her, but it's all getting mixed up and in the way. There's tension in that right there. Just keep it to the facts, laced with emotion and description and your dialogue and story will flow better. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04081314889684032209noreply@blogger.com