tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1941591208139280651..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: February Secret Agent #33Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16226812967919648002013-02-25T14:31:33.670-05:002013-02-25T14:31:33.670-05:00I like the voice and the writing. It makes me wond...I like the voice and the writing. It makes me wonder the age of the MC? For YA I would guess 15, but so far this reads a little younger. Maybe it was the mention of her being in her father's study and his belief in UFOs.Liz Brownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-828861453465376632013-02-22T06:51:14.250-05:002013-02-22T06:51:14.250-05:00First, I like the voice, and I'm curious to wh...First, I like the voice, and I'm curious to what is going to happen. <br /><br />I do feel the first line is a little misleading because at the beginning I thought she actually saw a UFO, but then it turns out it was just a plane. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60353729026751020702013-02-21T19:11:58.975-05:002013-02-21T19:11:58.975-05:00I love that you use Jayne with a "y" (I&...I love that you use Jayne with a "y" (I'm biased since it's a family name). I think your story deserves a snazzier opening line:<br /><br />The spaceship was going to land right in her backyard. <br /><br />For me, this is a clunker that doesn't do your story justice. You'd think spaceships were enough to hook, but given the genre was sci-fi, I didn't know if spaceships were commonplace or not. (Like the JJ Abrams Star Trek, the beginning is set in Iowa, but there is a freaking huge spaceship parked in the boonies and their recruiting for their fleet.) What follows shows that no, she is definitely not cool with the spaceship. I like the description of the blue light; I think if it opened with describing the light, and her not calling it a spaceship right away, that would help. She sees some blue orb that's heading for her backyard and she's freaked. I would play around with the opening line a bit.<br /><br />I'd read on because I'm curious :) <br /><br />Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91238799141476195662013-02-21T18:41:08.299-05:002013-02-21T18:41:08.299-05:00I think this is an excellent, creepy, beginning. ...I think this is an excellent, creepy, beginning. Paints a picture of a frightened girl desperately trying to deny what she just saw with her own eyes. I assumed the curls were a reflection in the glass, so that part didn't bother me at all. I'd love to read more.Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78504954875520437902013-02-21T13:55:42.396-05:002013-02-21T13:55:42.396-05:00I like it. I thought the voice was engaging and I ...I like it. I thought the voice was engaging and I like scifi.<br /><br />I agree the curls mention pulled me out of the POV because it's not clear whether it's a POV slip or she's seeing her own reflection.<br /><br />"Was it?" didn't work for me... Was it what?<br /><br />Why does she have a mantra? Has her dad scared her with all his UFO talk and now most lights scare her enough that she has to have a mantra?<br /><br />What did disappoint me in this scene was that it ends with the tension evaporated. The lights have seemingly moved on and she's convinced herself it's just a plane. It makes me wonder why we even started with this if it wasn't going to lead to anything. Granted, the next 250 might have something more interesting happen, so I'd read on to find out.<br />Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61616980940621816742013-02-21T13:34:06.989-05:002013-02-21T13:34:06.989-05:00I like the overall tone enough that I'm going ...I like the overall tone enough that I'm going to get nitpicky:<br /><br />"threw herself" makes me think she's trying to break the glass.<br /><br />How would a face "give shape"?<br /><br />The "Was it?" is a little vague.<br /><br />If her fingers are splayed on the glass then I don't think a shockwave would go <i>up</i> them.<br /><br />"Lights in the sky fly by" is an odd mantra, unless it makes sense later. If not, it should probably repeat the sentence before.<br /><br />The drummer and diabetic similes are a little extreme, although as we learn more about Jayne, maybe they work better.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13593564925888589168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6603195645132248352013-02-20T18:01:40.124-05:002013-02-20T18:01:40.124-05:00This sounds really fun!
Like others have said, t...This sounds really fun! <br /><br />Like others have said, this feels really cinematic. The curls thing did pull me out of the story a bit, but I'd still totally read on!Carissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10594436685900756259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49346780464026992052013-02-20T13:59:48.134-05:002013-02-20T13:59:48.134-05:00So many great images. I love the eerie blue halo a...So many great images. I love the eerie blue halo about the drapery. The descriptions of what is happening bring to mind the sort of nostalgic '80s sci-fi/coming-of-age movies that I loved growing up. Or like, the recent film Super 8. I did get confused when she changed her mind about it not being a spaceship, because the first line was so definitive about it for sure being one. I also was taken out of her head a little when we saw her mound of curls from behind - gorgeously cinematic, but not in her POV. Overall, I like how you set it up: we know where this is going but we're not there yet, making it even more tantalizing.YAwesomenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82136165759187264362013-02-20T13:23:54.398-05:002013-02-20T13:23:54.398-05:00The spaceship was going to land right in her backy...The spaceship was going to land right in her backyard.<br /><br />The first line leaves me in question as to why she feels this way. I think it might be useful to add another sentence of description there, b/c it threw me off a bit for the rest of the piecebreenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54207913274263485642013-02-20T13:14:28.296-05:002013-02-20T13:14:28.296-05:00I feel like a cheater! I've read your query + ...I feel like a cheater! I've read your query + 250 on another blog contest, so I'm familiar with your story. I have to say, reading just the 250 alone without reading the query, they really popped. I love your voice and the way you write, and knowing what your story is about, I would want to read more. Alexa D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/12597238050641221884noreply@blogger.com