tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1967610632488683210..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #14 January Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32861223468207295482011-01-25T22:42:12.108-05:002011-01-25T22:42:12.108-05:00This one really sucked me in and I'd love to r...This one really sucked me in and I'd love to read more. However, I almost didn't make it past the first couple paragraphs. First of all, the location stamp seems at odds with the in-her-mind setting that we're starting out in. Second, the broad metaphor for what is happening seems a little too wishy washy, and waves are a type of pattern so "waves of patterns and chaos" really doesn't work for me. Is there a way you can be more specific and/or sensory to start out with? It's a tricky place. You don't want to start with a bunch of jargon, but the long metaphor seems way too calm. Maybe bursts of impressions? Once you get to the quasi-dialog it starts to really flow for me and get interesting, but I think the hook could be stronger. (yay for good sci-fi!)Hepseba ALHHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7431325343740554832011-01-24T10:49:31.143-05:002011-01-24T10:49:31.143-05:00Many thanks to Ms. Kole and everyone else for the ...Many thanks to Ms. Kole and everyone else for the kind words and helpful criticism. :)LadyPrufrocknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4588382193952924062011-01-22T09:54:17.673-05:002011-01-22T09:54:17.673-05:00I love sci-fi and am accustomed to not always unde...I love sci-fi and am accustomed to not always understand what is going on at first LOL. Great writing but despite knowing that the MC is being forced against her will I have no idea if she is a bad guy or a good guy? Or if this is for her own good? Assuming not, still it isn't clear.<br /><br />So hard with 250 words!Patti Larsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08168127105768532144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64503269211466971762011-01-21T22:48:19.538-05:002011-01-21T22:48:19.538-05:00Hey, Secret Agent here! I think the writing here i...Hey, Secret Agent here! I think the writing here is vivid, but it’s missing, for me, the biggest pieces that I always look for: intention and motivation. What is she doing with this schema, what is her intention, and why?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72781662564995495612011-01-21T21:11:34.461-05:002011-01-21T21:11:34.461-05:00Oak Ridge is a town in the US, I believe, so would...Oak Ridge is a town in the US, I believe, so wouldn't there be a state preceding Earth?<br /><br />Mostly confused by this and except for her anger at being controlled, I can't identify with the MC<br /><br />Maybe state with The barrage of nonsense paragraph and show your MC's emotions and reactions more?YA writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16668733662609004992011-01-21T20:02:38.581-05:002011-01-21T20:02:38.581-05:00Overall, not hooked. There are enough context clue...Overall, not hooked. There are enough context clues that I can piece together what's going on, but my brain has to work too hard to do it. I imagine if you queried a die-hard sci-fi agent, he or she might dig this, but I'm afraid too many are just going to say, "Uh, what?" and hit the reject button.<br /><br />Is there another place you could start this, or another way you could start this, somewhere or someway that's not so immersed in its own world and jargon?Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83696904513383760272011-01-21T10:03:32.278-05:002011-01-21T10:03:32.278-05:00I liked this, too. The writing is strong and draws...I liked this, too. The writing is strong and draws me in. While I of course have questions about the world, nothing seemed illogical or really bumped me out.<br /><br />I didn't like this sentence. It's the first incomplete sentence, and I wondered at first if it was a mistake: "All around her, a pale blue grid overlaying a vast darkness."<br /><br />Also, do you want periods after "LET ME OUT"?<br /><br />Overall, I enjoyed this one.jessicambhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02359240762476346533noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9965187316844223232011-01-20T14:32:45.095-05:002011-01-20T14:32:45.095-05:00I didn't get any of the science stuff and have...I didn't get any of the science stuff and have no idea if it's real or made up, but as Andrew said, it's clear the MC is in trouble and is being forced to do whateve it is she is doing, and it's written in a compelling way that makes me want to read more. I'm hooked.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68453909175193694942011-01-20T13:07:39.686-05:002011-01-20T13:07:39.686-05:00I really like the writing and I'm completely d...I really like the writing and I'm completely drawn in. <br />...And I have to echo other comments to say I'm a little confused with the jargon. <br />The tension holds the scene; the science may be interesting but is not necessary to include in these first paragraphs.<br /><br />I would definitely read this book :)Catnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87589280849612274812011-01-20T11:47:30.534-05:002011-01-20T11:47:30.534-05:00I have to say that I have no clear idea of what...I have to say that I have no clear idea of what's going on, but that I loved it regardless. Sure, there are a lot of terms coming at the reader, but the situation is clear: <b>The MC is being forced to do something that she doesn't want to do, and that something is complicated.</b> I'm willing to be lost in a text as long as the voice is strong and convinces me that it knows where it's going.<br /><br />For what it's worth, what I think is going on: Yulie is being used as a sort of organic computer to create wormholes (I'm picturing the navigators from Dune).<br /><br />I would cut "some kind of" from the slideshow line.<br /><br />I would definitely read on.Andrew Kozmahttp://www.kozma.curragh-labs.org/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82754359735921790442011-01-19T22:16:45.625-05:002011-01-19T22:16:45.625-05:00Ooooh, sci-fi stuffs. I love the beginning paragra...Ooooh, sci-fi stuffs. I love the beginning paragraph: absolutely beautiful simplicity. <br /><br />However, the more I read the more confused I became. Of course I am sure this is all explained later on, but it was hard keeping up with the dialogue and the scenario. <br /><br />Pretty good for sci-fi, which I usually dislike. I'm really not sure if I'd read on or not, but I probably would because of the "wormhole".Mayaahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31292022318839225712011-01-19T19:45:46.659-05:002011-01-19T19:45:46.659-05:00Ah, you're gonna lose some readers at protospa...Ah, you're gonna lose some readers at <i>protospatial</i> - but this shows promise, and I'd keep going.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45322627026185061762011-01-19T16:42:07.156-05:002011-01-19T16:42:07.156-05:00I love sci-fi and this has got me hooked... but i ...I love sci-fi and this has got me hooked... but i think you are bordering on too much new stuff introduced. I would read on but I'd not want too much more to make sense of in the paragraphs immediately following.beck nicholashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06691281777316230017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46022924785031883652011-01-19T16:11:27.541-05:002011-01-19T16:11:27.541-05:00For me (and take this with a pinch of salt as I do...For me (and take this with a pinch of salt as I don't read much Sci-Fi) there were too many made-up or difficult words. I think you need to cut down on these or it's too much for the reader to take in at once. And as mentioned, I'd really like to know a bit more context - I have no idea who the MC is nor what's going on, other than perhaps some kind of brainwashing. Because of this, it doesn't make me want to read on, sorry.Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36038436167018523982011-01-19T14:35:58.794-05:002011-01-19T14:35:58.794-05:00I had trouble following this. I was confused by so...I had trouble following this. I was confused by some references and I felt out of place. I want to know a little more about Yulie before I'm shoved into this strange world.Nicolenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17563940896899433332011-01-19T11:32:52.338-05:002011-01-19T11:32:52.338-05:00I started getting more confused than intrigued at ...I started getting more confused than intrigued at the "barrage of nonsense" paragraph. At this point, there were too many references I didn't know. I would leave them out and stick with the sensations Yulie is feeling. <br /><br />Everything after is also a little too vague to connect with. <br /><br />I would stay with the feeling of the beginning - which was great. Keep us close to Yulie and the sensations she's feeling, and leave out the comlicated science stuff until the narrative is in a more grounded position.Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48395685906900936442011-01-19T11:27:21.211-05:002011-01-19T11:27:21.211-05:00This is potentially really interesting (and it'...This is potentially really interesting (and it's giving me thoughts of Song of Scarabaeus which might be completely off lol), but I'm a little too confused. I'm sure you intended it to be a bit nebulous (lol... nebulous *cough*) but I feel like it's WAY too detached and I get neither a sense of character OR scene. I'd like to have something to connect to and, for me at least, I couldn't find that.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.com