tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1975492963344398722..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Three #15Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69407419175194375172013-10-23T11:13:21.560-04:002013-10-23T11:13:21.560-04:00You need to start this like, "When...discover...You need to start this like, "When...discovers..." and then give us Luke's goal. Then tell us what goes wrong and what he needs to do to fix it/reach his goal.<br /><br />I don't have a problem with the debugging as long as it is presented as an obstacle to his goal.<br /><br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35638712039113506022013-10-22T20:52:07.042-04:002013-10-22T20:52:07.042-04:00To everyone that isn't crazy about debugging i...To everyone that isn't crazy about debugging it looks a lot better with the - and italics. I will need to rewrite it because they literally de-BUG this phone when all the creepy crawlies come racing out of it. Thanks for the feedback!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75072668341141334572013-10-22T20:26:59.139-04:002013-10-22T20:26:59.139-04:00De-bugging doesn't tell me much; you may want ...De-bugging doesn't tell me much; you may want to change that. Otherwise, great.Eikanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75327345021437928122013-10-22T15:41:51.646-04:002013-10-22T15:41:51.646-04:00I really like this. However, I think But with auto...I really like this. However, I think But with autocorrect... should still be part of the first sentence. De-bugging...doesn't really tell me anything. You could leave it out and I wouldn't miss it. I'd like that last sentence to give me a better understanding of the stakes.Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21523416151884022232013-10-22T14:48:59.066-04:002013-10-22T14:48:59.066-04:00Thank you all so much for the feedback. I'll t...Thank you all so much for the feedback. I'll try to give this a little more during the Baker's Dozen. Thanks for all the help.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42734850834643203702013-10-22T14:41:55.578-04:002013-10-22T14:41:55.578-04:00I've seen yours up a bunch of places and I'...I've seen yours up a bunch of places and I've loved it everywhere in all its incarnations. I'd almost like a bit more at the end. Some stakes. Like, Getting rid of monsters before they destroy his town, even worse.krashnburnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49774642632771898512013-10-22T11:51:10.296-04:002013-10-22T11:51:10.296-04:00This sounds cute. I'd just love to see an exam...This sounds cute. I'd just love to see an example of how the autocorrect goes wrong, maybe in place of "debugging his phone becomes disastrous," because I don't really know what that means.Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33096049572296471322013-10-22T10:38:28.564-04:002013-10-22T10:38:28.564-04:00Nice- sounds like a fun read. I know you're tr...Nice- sounds like a fun read. I know you're trying to get around using the actual name of the 'voice-powered assistant', but can you find a different name than that? It made me stumble in an other wise tight pitch.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.com