tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2013414195456541383..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Action Scenes (Round 2) #24Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55978883370773947082012-05-24T10:20:33.679-04:002012-05-24T10:20:33.679-04:00Chiming in with the above. I think you can increas...Chiming in with the above. I think you can increase the tension and the flow with some simple clean-up. Take out the unnecessary adverbs, as mentioned, "slowly," and "quickly." Also, avoid passive actions. "Panicked, the two punks WERE picking..." Instead try, "Panicked, the two punks picked up brick-sized..." Again in the last paragraph, "This time I could hear..." As an alternative, try, "He screamed out in anger..." I think if you make these changes for your entire MS, you'll notice a positive difference. Good luck!Rachel Menardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10021632240283151780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38969664150440943862012-05-24T01:51:46.087-04:002012-05-24T01:51:46.087-04:00Aside from what the others have said that a bit of...Aside from what the others have said that a bit of editing would cure I say, Sophie, you go girl! I'm sure in context with the rest of the story she is probably not a wacko but more like a female Dirty Harry. :)HistorySleuth1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62451872524027656812012-05-24T01:40:30.629-04:002012-05-24T01:40:30.629-04:00To me, the sentences are too long. Action needs sh...To me, the sentences are too long. Action needs short, choppy sentences to keep the flow going. I get lost in the description.Petre Panhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3140537166706180552012-05-23T19:57:16.106-04:002012-05-23T19:57:16.106-04:00..and watched as the three punks unloaded.... (I t.....and watched as the three punks unloaded.... (I think you need to as) <br />generally - an interesting scene which I feel could benefit from some context. Perhaps, the three punks have been terrors in the neighborhood.<br />As it reads now, however, the MC sounds like she has a screw loose and I'm not sure that's what you want. I mean, regardless of what THEY did or ARE doing - she's running human beings down in the street then laughing uproariously about it. I mean - really? Her revenge seems a tad excessive and on the edge of 'oh my god this chick is nuts' side. But, perhaps that is context - maybe there is more that justifies this wackadoodle behavior.Jasminenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13473541776735922352012-05-23T17:03:28.176-04:002012-05-23T17:03:28.176-04:00I think you have set up the action well. I'm n...I think you have set up the action well. I'm not as bothered as some of the others by Sophie's driveby revenge. If someone hit my dog with a stick, well...<br /><br />However, I'd like some description of the "punks." Make your scene more vivid. And that goes how the succession of adverns--quickly, slowly,carefully. You're telling too much here.Georgia Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05596379202196822294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60563773561367851952012-05-23T15:25:36.673-04:002012-05-23T15:25:36.673-04:00I assumed the brick sized packages (drugs?)had fal...I assumed the brick sized packages (drugs?)had fallen out of the box she knocked over. If that's the case you could do a quick fix to make it clearer.<br /><br />My only problem with this is the multiple drive bys. If these thugs are doing something illegal, which I assume they are, I doubt they'd resume immediately after spilling the contents on the street for all to see. Or just ignore her as she comes back to toy with them.<br /><br />Maybe have her back up over him after she clips the box and laugh into the rearview mirror as she dials 911?SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38462219379945405672012-05-23T14:49:11.957-04:002012-05-23T14:49:11.957-04:00This definitely holds my interest. Here's some...This definitely holds my interest. Here's some nits.<br /><br />1st para. The largest one reads largest box.<br /><br />2nd para. brick-sized boxes? Where those inside the larger boxes?<br /><br />3rd para. ...was ready to try what again? Too many unnecessary adverbs. Carefully. (He looked in both...) Quickly (use hurried). Could hear (heard)<br /><br />Good luckBillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24766320757746401812012-05-23T14:40:20.356-04:002012-05-23T14:40:20.356-04:00I like the attitude here. The MC is out for reveng...I like the attitude here. The MC is out for revenge and she is toying with her prey. Good! This definitely needs a bit of editing though - as already noted: 'as' unloaded for example, 'good-sized' vs. 'brick-sized'. And if 'brick-sized', none of the punks threw one at her? It seems they might... <br /><br />'Hidden by the black color of my car' is a long way to say it. I think it could be more concise. You don't have to say 'color'. <br /><br />Other than that, interesting!Emmanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31019820481086515282012-05-23T14:11:53.649-04:002012-05-23T14:11:53.649-04:00I was going to point out the verb confusion in par...I was going to point out the verb confusion in paragraph one but it is already noted above. Quick fix. <br /><br />"figuring he could" this doesn't work for me because your MC is assuming something about the big kid and we aren't inside his head/pov.<br /><br />What I really like about this scene is the set up of the mystery and the fact that your MC is catching a bully doing something he should not be doing. <br /><br />What doesn't work for me right now is the idea of your MC doing hit and run drive bys (plural). I can't quite picture how the boys wouldn't be able to ID her or her car by the second pass. I would suggest considering her side swiping the big kid once and make sure you point out if her headlights are on etc. to help obscure their view of her. <br /><br />The story is very intriguing though. What's in the boxes!?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1552880945109962672012-05-23T14:05:02.342-04:002012-05-23T14:05:02.342-04:00Ouch! Sophie sounds primed for revenge with a dark...Ouch! Sophie sounds primed for revenge with a dark streak of her own!<br /><br />Its well written and shows Sophie's emotions quite well. I am just not sure about the last line. It sounds better and darker without it.Utsavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03433651206976393579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66421471631353013022012-05-23T13:48:01.702-04:002012-05-23T13:48:01.702-04:00I can feel Sophie's fury here!
In paragraph...I can feel Sophie's fury here! <br /><br />In paragraph one, the text should read either "watched the three punks UNLOAD" or "watched AS the three punks unloaded."<br /><br />I imagined Sophie was on foot (because of the lead in) so was confused when her "left fender" hit the man. I'll assume this is made clear in the text preceding this excerpt. <br /><br />At first they are unloading "good-sized boxes" and then later picking up "brick-sized packages." Are the smaller packages inside the larger box? Might want to make that more clear with a line about the box breaking or ripping open. <br /><br />Are the punks under a streetlight? If not, be careful with what Sophie can see if it's dark. Are her headlights on while driving? <br /><br />I might take out the "laughed" as she dialed 911. it sounds cold/callous, unless you've done a great job of setting us up for this being a righteous mission and we're hoping she'll put the punks out of commission. <br /><br />This entry caught my attention right away and has a strong voice, especially in the final paragraph. Nice job.Christinenoreply@blogger.com