tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2064024584686337069..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21175468589722900682013-05-09T12:47:06.856-04:002013-05-09T12:47:06.856-04:00I agree with the 'laundry list' comment. I...I agree with the 'laundry list' comment. I was also feeling torn between the two characters - as the shift in POV went from one to the other, it left me unconnected with either. There is some great imagery, though. Although the 'pounded through him' line didn't feel right to me.jdsperohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16664727014171959065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65151334372174697082013-05-07T22:23:15.969-04:002013-05-07T22:23:15.969-04:00I'm mixed on this one. I think the kiss is gre...I'm mixed on this one. I think the kiss is great, but the part leading up to it didn't work for me. And not because of the fragments, well that too, but because I felt the start was a laundry list of actions they stopped, he turned, he stepped, he lifted... which brings me to the other thing which didn't work - so many sentences starting with 'he. You need to both consolidate actions and vary your sentence structure more than you have here. <br />The emotions and reactions are good, it was just the technical part that didn't sit well with me. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03752960509531447848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71519360871552859762013-05-07T20:44:31.374-04:002013-05-07T20:44:31.374-04:00I'm a big fan of using sentence fragments but ...I'm a big fan of using sentence fragments but in this case they've kind of become the main course as opposed to the spice. Less is more with fragments. <br /><br />Also, the sentences are, with a few exceptions, so similar that it "reads" slightly monotonously. <br /><br />That being said, there is some lovely writing in here, and Greg's feelings are very clear. Heather Leahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05570007635362163642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74019482268333488952013-05-07T16:53:31.948-04:002013-05-07T16:53:31.948-04:00There's definitely heat in this scene, but it ...There's definitely heat in this scene, but it didn't quite work for me, I'm afraid.<br /><br />Like another commenter, I found the number of sentence fragments distracting. One here or there can be good for emphasis; too many and the narrative becomes choppy. Likewise, the short paragraphs made it seem to me like the scene was lurching forward, rather than flowing. <br /><br />I also felt that I had been told too many times that Greg wanted and needed Amanda. His passion could be conveyed better by showing what attracts him to her. I know the graphic stuff doesn't fly here on MSFV, but rather than saying "he wanted more," why not be explicit about it -- describe what he imagines doing to her -- or have his attention linger on a body part. <br /><br />Good luck! Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44190009124552713802013-05-07T15:53:51.146-04:002013-05-07T15:53:51.146-04:00Fun scene. I like the imagery. I got caught at the...Fun scene. I like the imagery. I got caught at the beginning because I couldn't quite place them. They were walking side by side, she looked at him, they stopped, why did he turn her to face him? It seemed more likely he would just face her. Otherwise, great scene.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90685414279988295372013-05-07T12:58:24.206-04:002013-05-07T12:58:24.206-04:00Sentence fragments. Sentence fragments everywhere:...Sentence fragments. Sentence fragments everywhere:<br /><br />"Amanda looked up at him. Lips parted. Confusion and desire in her eyes."<br /><br />Amanda looked up at him, lips parted, with confusion and desire in her eyes.<br /><br />Sentence fragments are distracting and distressing, and detract from the actually rather good imagery in this scene (though I, personally, find the imagery at the very end distressing, but I doubt I am your target audience in this particular case).LurkingAtYounoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16392540530391836332013-05-07T11:15:02.159-04:002013-05-07T11:15:02.159-04:00I really liked this. I thought the writing was goo...I really liked this. I thought the writing was good. The pacing was good. We get a very good idea of how this guy feels. Probably the only change I'd make is "Greg," she said ...Christina Earlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05803995093957463325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82399481143879676282013-05-07T09:14:38.028-04:002013-05-07T09:14:38.028-04:00Great scene! There's just the right amount of ...Great scene! There's just the right amount of heat and the MC's thoughts seem very realistic. Love the ending! I want to see where it leads!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03681031636806544583noreply@blogger.com