tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2097994078402896175..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91991212854121216462015-01-16T10:57:02.259-05:002015-01-16T10:57:02.259-05:00It’s good that you’re establishing that this is a ...It’s good that you’re establishing that this is a different time and place right from the first page. Your first line and paragraph could be a bit smoother and more gripping though, compared to the rest of the sample. You might also want to consider renaming their god, since Mazda makes me think of an automotive god zooming around (unless this is from actual history/mythology and needs to stay that way for accuracy).Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77857912232304782272015-01-16T10:48:55.062-05:002015-01-16T10:48:55.062-05:00This looks very interesting! My curiosity is pique...This looks very interesting! My curiosity is piqued by right off by “Every Mede” and “misfortune.” My curiosity is sustained by wanting to know about “her fifteenth name day” and again “rotten fortune. Rich, intriguing world and characters.<br /><br />Two little questions:<br />The word “suite” sounds like a luxurious hotel room. By the sounds of cushions and servants and silk gowns, I pictured a palace. A little confusing.<br /><br />Also, Artunis is a beautiful name. I think the possessive is Artunis’ — which, when read aloud seems a little awkward. I wonder if you could get around using it so often. <br /><br />All the best to you, my friend!<br /><br />Robin Gregoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02228078617839649885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62002544008653128502015-01-15T19:00:23.962-05:002015-01-15T19:00:23.962-05:00Your first sentence drew me in. I liked it a lot. ...Your first sentence drew me in. I liked it a lot. Vivid description grounds this scene well. <br /><br />Two things- Mazda. I also immediately latched onto the modern car which bumped me out of the fantasy. And this is a pet peeve of mine, so take it with a grain of salt, but poor little rich girl characters usually don't land for me. (Lounging on silk cushions and being brought breakfast in bed)<br /><br />The final sentence was strong enough to keep me reading. Well done.Ava Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09404716744982870650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18362628826819865272015-01-15T03:36:56.558-05:002015-01-15T03:36:56.558-05:00Beautiful writing, nice worldbuilding, and great d...Beautiful writing, nice worldbuilding, and great demonstration of her relationship with her mother. I especially love the last line! <br /><br />I have to admit that I chuckled a little at Mazda because I thought of the car. I realize it surely has other significance, but the car brand is a little hard to get past for me. Otherwise, great first page! Best of luck with this.Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3481637185356722382015-01-15T01:42:49.355-05:002015-01-15T01:42:49.355-05:00Irony in your first line, a song bird as a bad ome... Irony in your first line, a song bird as a bad omen, hooked me. You captured concise world building and beautiful rhythm. The use of Mazda is brilliant, but I confess, I had to Google it. I liked how you established Artunis's relationship with stepmother. I'm amazed how much you covered in 250 words, especially being fantasy, and looking forward to reading more.<br />All the BestC.E. Aegeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10311566837851376984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47170784032127295062015-01-14T17:36:22.831-05:002015-01-14T17:36:22.831-05:00You paint a colorful, textured scene. Beautifully...You paint a colorful, textured scene. Beautifully done. Must say your first sentence was difficult for me. Right off the bat, reading about Mede and desert larks makes for a confusing start, and I had to read it a couple times. Perhaps you could roll in the Medes (which after reading your page, I assume is the nationality of Artunis) a little later in the story. Would definitely keep reading to find out about "the gift". <br />Good luck!<br /> KKMHOOhttps://twitter.com/KKMHOOnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63574956906196759632015-01-14T14:32:57.086-05:002015-01-14T14:32:57.086-05:00I admit I don't read much fantasy, but I was v...I admit I don't read much fantasy, but I was very lost. I started to feel connected in the third para. so I suggest re-working to start there. There were a lot of names and world-specific mentions in your initial para's and I feel like the reader hasn't been introduced to this world yet. I could be way off here, but I'd like to be guided a little more. Give me something I can connect with first, then introduce me to your world. Good luck! Lisa B.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91376609993276951442015-01-14T12:34:59.969-05:002015-01-14T12:34:59.969-05:00This is a really good start. I am hooked immediate...This is a really good start. I am hooked immediately. You do a good job of revealing your main character's thoughts and situation naturally. I don't have much in the way of critique. One small thing is the Great Mazda. You may have used the actual name (I don't know much about Medes) but it makes me think of a car. Also, that last sentence in the second paragraph was really long and didn't read naturally for me. Overall though, this is really good. I'd read more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11616443977651188748noreply@blogger.com