tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2202300090092250578..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67422723751653213982015-05-23T23:43:58.609-04:002015-05-23T23:43:58.609-04:00This is a really sweet voice and I had fun reading...This is a really sweet voice and I had fun reading this. You have a spunky protagonist!<br /><br />I had a hard time figuring out what was journal writing and what was present action. Use italics for the diary entries to differentiate.<br /><br />Also, look for small ways to tighten. For instance, do you need this line? — We are camping out in Grandma’s tree house in exactly seven days!<br /><br />Overall, fun start!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72417009338861527842015-05-21T09:35:26.921-04:002015-05-21T09:35:26.921-04:00Your mc sounds fun! But I agree with the comments ...Your mc sounds fun! But I agree with the comments that things are confusing. I think after the first paragraph about the fact that she was in trouble, going right into the story about what got her into trouble would help ( without the bit about the writing). I also think your character feels a little young for mg. convincing mom to get her her own high heels rather than playing around with ones way too big for her would feel more in line to me.<br /><br />Best of luck with querying your story!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13896416602520194004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51956683436823453842015-05-21T00:47:15.205-04:002015-05-21T00:47:15.205-04:00I love the tone of this. it has personality and a ...I love the tone of this. it has personality and a definite gumshoe kid feel. The one aspect that may be a bit confusing is the diary format. Are you sure you need it? If you dropped that and left everything else as is you'd really have a winner. It's charming!JAZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16187794911674829043noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35121389249268902612015-05-20T21:55:15.694-04:002015-05-20T21:55:15.694-04:00I love the first paragraph. The voice is fun and q...I love the first paragraph. The voice is fun and quirky. I can see a good storyline here with Grandma and the graveyard and what the kids could see while spying. I liked the little details such as she couldn't spy without a cute outfit, but I think there was too much going on in these paragraphs. I would suggest focusing on one main issue in these pages. Thanks!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30311986832896765332015-05-20T19:45:37.268-04:002015-05-20T19:45:37.268-04:00While I think this was a adorable, and light and f...While I think this was a adorable, and light and funny, I don't know how it would go over as a novel. I think if there was real life and dialogue and then the diary entry where she shined up what really happened for the diary, it would be hilarious.<br />I do love light humor. The world is dark enough.Julie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31151385777429817942015-05-20T15:56:59.993-04:002015-05-20T15:56:59.993-04:00I also found the beginning confusing - I think you...I also found the beginning confusing - I think you could possibly just cut it and begin with with "Jimmy had binoculars" - then we're thrown right into everything. Also, right now it reads "Dear Dairy" instead of "Dear Diary."JOPhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05338686272937538246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50763131801979923392015-05-20T15:41:03.307-04:002015-05-20T15:41:03.307-04:00This sounds like a fun premise and I like the idea...This sounds like a fun premise and I like the idea of a Tomboy Princess. But I feel like this beginning is a little confusing. I think the diary entry format gives you a lot of room to carefully craft which details we get and also to sprinkle in some nice humor (whiskers--that was funny!) and voice, but it feels a bit jumbled right now. <br /><br />I would also consider cutting "long arm of the law" and "cold hard truth" and "tad bit"--they feel cliche here. <br /><br />It sounds like a creepy mystery adventure is in store as they camp out in the treehouse! Best of luck!Julie Artzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15669406251867376805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67865834125738207302015-05-20T14:05:55.774-04:002015-05-20T14:05:55.774-04:00I think you need to delineate when she is no longe...I think you need to delineate when she is no longer writing in the diary - that is a bit confusing. Maybe the entire this is the diary.<br /><br />I like that grandma is tougher than the police.<br /><br />Overall I think this needs to be tightened up a little. The premise offers a promise of fun: tree house, graveyard, mustaches!<br /><br />S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33609684664773614652015-05-20T12:19:49.849-04:002015-05-20T12:19:49.849-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.cindy norrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14097979213743065308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59459814395622023732015-05-20T12:19:20.079-04:002015-05-20T12:19:20.079-04:00The first line made me smile. When we jump from t...The first line made me smile. When we jump from the first to the second paragraph, it feels a little confusing. Is she speaking of what she has written in the diary, or is she still writing? This beginning has a friendly feel. The children are getting into some sort of trouble and the reader will be curious as to what happens next. A few of the phrases may need work - 'very innocent like', 'spot out'..... cindy norrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14097979213743065308noreply@blogger.com