tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2215197755732315323..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #36Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6091101190806397482012-07-30T00:21:20.193-04:002012-07-30T00:21:20.193-04:00It started out like many other dystopians I've...It started out like many other dystopians I've read, but I began to become really intrigued when I found out the parents were sneaking out with the kids. The last paragraph is beautifully written. I would definitely read more. It has strong potential to be different than other dystopians. <br /><br />SecretAgentSecretAgentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40361467217189744342012-07-27T21:26:38.899-04:002012-07-27T21:26:38.899-04:00Tense opening that makes you want to see what'...Tense opening that makes you want to see what's next.<br />A definite page-turner.<br /><br /> I do need to know the ages of the brothers. Yes, they've grown up because of the situation, but how much time has actually passed since MC was thirteen? <br /><br />Also, could you somehow date 'the Mexican Civil War' ? It pulled me out momentarily as I tried to remember when that was, which shows that without the Genre description, I wouldn't know if it was future or past.<br />Maybe that's just me.<br /><br />Good job melding setting and action.MaggieMaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12305242498200811512012-07-26T15:44:18.642-04:002012-07-26T15:44:18.642-04:00I like it. The only part that gave me pause was &#...I like it. The only part that gave me pause was 'Then floodlights slam on..' Too me it reads a little awkward, but that could be a style thing. <br />Overall, though, I really liked it and would keep reading. :)Nazarea Andrewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09644521286572844909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7757627161883771312012-07-26T15:33:45.983-04:002012-07-26T15:33:45.983-04:00I really like this. Another pass-through to weed o...I really like this. Another pass-through to weed out filler words to tighten the writing, and I think you have a great opener. The repetition of back then in the first paragraph weighs it down; you could condense that a bit and it would flow better and keep hold of the urgency. I already feel the stakes being set up, so you don't want to lose that momentum. I would definitely continue reading.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7482547354368572072012-07-26T11:43:08.745-04:002012-07-26T11:43:08.745-04:00I'd keep reading, but I think you can make thi...I'd keep reading, but I think you can make this even stronger by tightening much of the lead-in.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3260964627053766152012-07-26T11:27:22.881-04:002012-07-26T11:27:22.881-04:00Exciting! I think you could really tighten up the ...Exciting! I think you could really tighten up the first two paragraphs, maybe even combine them. You could take out the repetitive "Back then..." The first paragraph has a little too much information and the second feels stilted. The third might be a better place to start because that's where you really grab the reader.<br /><br />I would definitely keep reading!Stephanie C.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68052845498475593972012-07-26T10:05:16.890-04:002012-07-26T10:05:16.890-04:00You immediately ground us in a setting and put us ...You immediately ground us in a setting and put us into a tense moment.<br /><br />One suggestion--the narrator states that "I am not thirteen," which begs the question, how old is she/he then? Perhaps have the narrator say, "I'm seventeen (or whatever age) now, not thirteen anymore."A.J.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65865516927039900382012-07-26T10:01:11.140-04:002012-07-26T10:01:11.140-04:00Great start. I'd read on for sure. It's te...Great start. I'd read on for sure. It's tense and I like the voice.<br /><br />I'd watch the use of the word 'light', it becomse a little distracting and contradicts itself in a couple places.<br /><br />Other than that, well done. Bring on more!Missy Fleminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10709055591164756365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79882399576294924402012-07-26T05:55:22.032-04:002012-07-26T05:55:22.032-04:00The setting is built up beautifully which helps me...The setting is built up beautifully which helps me connect to your MC's situation. My only suggestion is tightening the prose. e.g- "We can't afford to worry about things like that anymore." can be cut without losing any major impact and your next line is a rockstar.<br /><br />Good work.Utsavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03433651206976393579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59329671820137117922012-07-26T01:12:18.165-04:002012-07-26T01:12:18.165-04:00The story definitely opens on an intense moment an...The story definitely opens on an intense moment and I want to keep reading. But, I think a little bit of polishing is necessary.<br />For example, consider doing things like this:<br />We can't afford to worry about things like that anymore. I'm not thirteen years old, and the biggest risk in climbing this chain link fence is not a nasty fall or a skinned elbow--it's being shredded by Border Patrol bullets.Anita Saxenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12444339735834716979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50667327389857153742012-07-25T23:47:35.605-04:002012-07-25T23:47:35.605-04:00The 'back then' gets a bit repetitive for ...The 'back then' gets a bit repetitive for me in the beginning, but I think that's the only thing I can nitpick. I really liked this! I had the 'oh sh!t' moment, when the lights hit the brothers:( It gave tension without being dramatic.<br /><br />Good job! I'd read on!Feaky Snuckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17481513779668517971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38550484748474430632012-07-25T19:43:23.229-04:002012-07-25T19:43:23.229-04:00I was definitely intrigued by this. I think it wil...I was definitely intrigued by this. I think it will be interesting to see how illegal immigration looks in a post-apocalyptic world.J. Lea Lopezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127268567300257974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67642967804868924162012-07-25T18:32:22.701-04:002012-07-25T18:32:22.701-04:00Nice writing. I would keep reading. I agree that ...Nice writing. I would keep reading. I agree that "starlit semi-darkness" is not necessary.dan65noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48597634359149002912012-07-25T17:15:07.790-04:002012-07-25T17:15:07.790-04:00Love this opening. It draws me in right away with ...Love this opening. It draws me in right away with the contrast between past and present.<br /><br />The phrase "starlit semi-darkness" did seem a bit unnecessary--I think it would be stronger without the "starlit."<br /><br />Given the tension of this passage's ending, I would absolutely keep reading. :)Stephanie Diazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10606180983300679986noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32697761076492662272012-07-25T14:12:46.799-04:002012-07-25T14:12:46.799-04:00Wow! This was tense and compelling. I liked the ba...Wow! This was tense and compelling. I liked the balance of backstory and current action. <br /><br />The only thing that distracted me were the many types of light - moodlight, starlit, floodlights, daylight. This seemed to dilute the contrast between the dark climb over the fence and the point that they're caught in the floodlights. <br /><br />Overall, I would definitely read on. Good luck! :)WriteinPencilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14699088954906919705noreply@blogger.com