tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2268945602555795887..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Middle Grade Are You Hooked? #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33943156844724286102011-07-08T19:49:11.419-04:002011-07-08T19:49:11.419-04:00Maybe I'm looking at this differently, but is ...Maybe I'm looking at this differently, but is the beginning the prologue?<br /><br />Yes, I believe so. I'm thinking that's why it's so oddly hanging out in the beginning like that with the little ~~~~ thingies underneath.<br /><br />Anyway, if that's the case, way to hook me in right away. The witches bit is extremely creepy and interesting. I loved it. I like the dialogue too with her dad but I agree it needs to be cleaned up a tick.<br /><br />Good luck!Linniehttp://www.twitter.com/lolafalananoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85907228366212798512011-07-08T12:06:04.671-04:002011-07-08T12:06:04.671-04:00I agree, the witch stuff seems odd hanging there a...I agree, the witch stuff seems odd hanging there at the beginning. I really like the voice of this though, feels authentic :)<br /><br />I think it would be great if you could tighten your beginning like this:<br /><br />"Dad, is it Lank-ass-terr? Or Lan-gaster?"<br /><br />When my dad told us we were moving back to his hometown, I found out one thing immediately. Nobody said Lancaster the same way. <br /><br /><br />I think if you could also smooth out/trim the transition of info between him losing his job and the mom leaving them, it would make this stronger.<br /><br />This was one of my favourites :)1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21854589673347727472011-07-06T17:19:44.142-04:002011-07-06T17:19:44.142-04:00The beginning about the witches drew me in. The r...The beginning about the witches drew me in. The rest seemed like an info dump. THere's nothing about witches there, there's no eerie tone or mode.<br /><br />Perhaps put your MC in the situation that is the catalyst for the story and get the info about Dad out later through some conversation? WHat's the MC's problem? What does she want? That's generally a better place to start.<br /><br />ANd at the beginning, you say Lancaster is their new address, giving the impression they just moved there. At the end, you say they're vacationing there.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2457200357579992182011-07-06T13:52:46.483-04:002011-07-06T13:52:46.483-04:00I like your setup, but I get lost in the backstory...I like your setup, but I get lost in the backstory. I'd be all right with more conversation between father and son/daughter to introduce this information, but I'd rather get to know the protagonist a bit more before I learn about the family history. If you can tie in the witches' executions with the Lancaster vacation a little more, I'd be hooked. <br /><br />And for the record, I say "LANK-ster" :)Vincent Kalenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80299898044960028062011-07-06T12:52:19.212-04:002011-07-06T12:52:19.212-04:00Hello! I agree with Becky that the beginning reall...Hello! I agree with Becky that the beginning really draws you in. I like her voice but it's very little to really judge her on. <br /><br /><br />I definitely want to read on, mainly because the first para is so strong. I think you have a good foundation in this but I think you can definitely expound on her first, and as Becky said, let it tell itself naturally.<br /><br />EnnEnnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06463894419049005617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30647422222246368332011-07-06T12:27:37.907-04:002011-07-06T12:27:37.907-04:00Hello!
I was immediately drawn to this one becaus...Hello!<br /><br />I was immediately drawn to this one because of the eerie opening and the voice, but towards the end, you venture dangerously close to info-dump territory. I want to get to know the MC and her family before I get to know them, if that makes any sense. I think you can find a way to make this information come out naturally as the scene progresses, while developing your MC and her father at the same time. <br /><br />That said, I would read on to see how the opening paragraph comes back into play, and because I'd like to know more about your MC. Good luck!Becky Mahoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891727235981320025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67854111103439158092011-07-06T12:17:20.164-04:002011-07-06T12:17:20.164-04:00A couple of comments:
1) I don't think you nee...A couple of comments:<br />1) I don't think you need the "I found out". It's implied that the MC knows this because he/she is saying it.<br />2) The rest of this is okay but it is a lot of telling and a lot of backstory. I'd suggest you ground us a little more before you tell us why he/she had to move. For example, can Dad react to the question first. Maybe SHOW us that he is frustrated because he had to move because his wife left?<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.com