tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post23066887707077378..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1447419106933125862013-03-29T11:55:19.969-04:002013-03-29T11:55:19.969-04:00I like this! The UF-noir voice comes through clear...I like this! The UF-noir voice comes through clearly and I like the dialogue.<br /><br />I'm not sure the first sentence is quite working -- I'd rather start with the murder scene and leave out the movement. And I should warn you that UF is a hard genre right now, so I might be skeptical of this without a query that made it sound like it really stood out. But I'd read a little more to see where it went.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9378530061219295682013-03-28T22:42:15.766-04:002013-03-28T22:42:15.766-04:00Thank you for the feedback and suggestions, everyo...Thank you for the feedback and suggestions, everyone! I'll work more on the noir tone and the opening line. <br /><br />Scene is at night...I can work with the water at night imagery to get that point across. thanks!Catherinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17869892391891335720noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13287203849435344232013-03-27T17:26:58.287-04:002013-03-27T17:26:58.287-04:00I like the idea of a vampire coming to clean up a ...I like the idea of a vampire coming to clean up a crime scene before the cops get there but agree with the above comments. Tweak your opening and make it more noir. I'd leave out the "vamps" line too. Good job!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33693126660205142382013-03-27T16:36:00.775-04:002013-03-27T16:36:00.775-04:00I do love a book that starts at a crime scene. Tha...I do love a book that starts at a crime scene. That said, Lexa's right--the first line is a little generic. But the second line wouldn't work as an opener either. I'm thinking something very descriptive, terse, evocative.<br /><br />It occurs to me I don't yet know what time of day it is. Unless I missed something. But with your MC walking out of a bar, I don't know why, I pictured daytime. But nighttime is probably what you were going for?<br /><br />Reading it one last time, I want the prose to be a little bit moodier, creepier. But overall very good and sucked me in right away.Andrewnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86455630709663968682013-03-27T14:52:23.404-04:002013-03-27T14:52:23.404-04:00The first line is generic - someone's leaving ...The first line is generic - someone's leaving a bar. So? But the second is very interesting. I suggest you either come up with an inner thought with a hook for the first line, or combine the first with the second. The dialog raised more questions than it answered for me.<br /><br />Otherwise, the setting of a crime scene is a very good place to start the story. I'd read on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59117413276650881782013-03-27T13:38:26.668-04:002013-03-27T13:38:26.668-04:00I agree with what Melody had to say, but would als...I agree with what Melody had to say, but would also like to add:<br /><br />I think it's great you don't tell us your MC is a vampire (or something like a vampire), but instead provide us with tells so we can figure it out. I almost want to tell you to think about removing the "expert on vamps gone wild" line because I don't think you need it. Or perhaps consider changing it to something a little more nebulous because I got the sense (and I may be wrong) that vampires aren't known to the general public in this reality. If so, it might even make more sense for Mells not to say "vamps."<br /><br />Anyway, I think this is a really great start - how could a murder scene not be! - and I would definitely read on!<br /><br />P.S. One tiny little note: I'm a huge fan of alliteration. Perhaps TOO huge a fan. So while I can definitely appreciate a line like: "...miSSing waS the Sickly Sweet Smell of Split blood," I think it might be a tad TOO alliterative. You may want to consider cutting one or two of those S sounds.Jonathan Garghttps://twitter.com/jonathangargnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60986605090808486962013-03-27T12:25:43.276-04:002013-03-27T12:25:43.276-04:00I love your attention to detail and the voice of t...I love your attention to detail and the voice of these characters. Great setup!Melody Simpsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151048396332794911noreply@blogger.com