tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2381870418570016296..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: 2 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82380248486578128442008-11-15T22:27:00.000-05:002008-11-15T22:27:00.000-05:00More!! Weather and all! I know what makes me read ...More!! Weather and all! I know what makes me read further and there is a strong writing voice here! Great visuals!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66954450698509494782008-11-15T20:58:00.000-05:002008-11-15T20:58:00.000-05:00This is really tight and clean, nicely done. I wou...This is really tight and clean, nicely done. I would love to read more of this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17205292379762003152008-11-15T17:44:00.000-05:002008-11-15T17:44:00.000-05:00Here's what I liked the most out of the 250:The wi...Here's what I liked the most out of the 250:<BR/><BR/><I>The wind snatched up Annie’s dress and she slapped it to her legs. Too bad Matthew hadn’t waited till summer to save the world. The weather would’ve been more cooperative.</I><BR/><BR/>I think this would make for a stronger opener than what's there now. And if you went into it a little deeper, at least giving me hints of how Matthew saved the world, rather than the detail about the weather, I'd probably read on.<BR/><BR/>The prose is very tight, however, and I can definitely see everything very clearly.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08466556357862555372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64593822272136753272008-11-14T07:38:00.000-05:002008-11-14T07:38:00.000-05:00Bah. Forgot to post using my screen name. Serves m...Bah. Forgot to post using my screen name. Serves me right for typing pre-coffee.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88955565477370544682008-11-14T07:34:00.000-05:002008-11-14T07:34:00.000-05:00lori--I named her in the first sentence. :) I hate...lori--I named her in the first sentence. :) I hate unnamed narrators myself. And she's sticking her head out the kitchen door, with a hand blocking the rain, to check things out.<BR/><BR/>But I see that I do indeed need to rework this page. Thanks. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42899010765501439792008-11-14T00:21:00.000-05:002008-11-14T00:21:00.000-05:00I like the ending paragraphs, with the "waiting so...I like the ending paragraphs, with the "waiting so long to save the world" comment, but I had to wonder why the unnamed narrator is standing out in the wind, rain, and mud just to describe the town to us.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2197582846553792012008-11-13T17:28:00.000-05:002008-11-13T17:28:00.000-05:00Add my vote to changing the first line. Although I...Add my vote to changing the first line. Although I'm pretty hooked, I would've found this piece stronger if the language flowed more smoothly - e.g., the two 'ands' in the first line didn't sound right. One way to find bumps in the prose is to read it aloud. But the storyline is good and that's the hard part.Jeanne Ryan (Serenissima)https://www.blogger.com/profile/10482350542840188974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4541183579802255492008-11-13T17:12:00.000-05:002008-11-13T17:12:00.000-05:00I agree with changing the first line. I'm an avid...I agree with changing the first line. I'm an avid fantasy reader so it takes a lot to hook me. I like your voice, but I wasn't interested until "Too bad Matthew hadn’t waited till summer to save the world. The weather would’ve been more cooperative." I think a lot would depend upon the next pages to say if I'm hooked...susaninvthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874131341718504468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60555823863266546772008-11-13T16:32:00.000-05:002008-11-13T16:32:00.000-05:00Carnation,Glad I could help. It's always easier t...Carnation,<BR/><BR/>Glad I could help. It's always easier to pick out what works in someone else's work. Wish I had the same clarity with my own stuff!Christina Graham Parkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04055656554692170817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75550111788385222782008-11-13T15:54:00.000-05:002008-11-13T15:54:00.000-05:00I like this one very much. I agree with the sugges...I like this one very much. I agree with the suggestion to change the first line, though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25876392520456386652008-11-13T15:34:00.000-05:002008-11-13T15:34:00.000-05:00I'm definitely wondering what the Redeemers did to...I'm definitely wondering what the Redeemers did to save them. <BR/><BR/>Also, the bubbling mud is a great visual.Andie Knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00936134794483184082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3888984863983589832008-11-13T14:34:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:34:00.000-05:00It's good storytelling; I'd read more.It's good storytelling; I'd read more.Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42551018159823816502008-11-13T12:37:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:37:00.000-05:00Christy's advice is great. I totally agree it woul...Christy's advice is great. I totally agree it would be a much better hook. Maybe have her go into the thinking about the Carnival, Redeemer's, etc and then have the lightning crash and her head out to inspect or something?<BR/><BR/>Overall I enjoy the writing and the voice, but agree it could still be worked on hook wise.ChristaCarol Joneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02908423468344511136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14259110739550562912008-11-13T12:13:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:13:00.000-05:00Ooh, christy, I could. I never thought of that. Th...Ooh, christy, I could. I never thought of that. Thank you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15421261683248801202008-11-13T11:36:00.000-05:002008-11-13T11:36:00.000-05:00This one didn't hook me until I came to this line....This one didn't hook me until I came to this line.<BR/><BR/>"Too bad Matthew hadn’t waited till summer to save the world. The weather would’ve been more cooperative."<BR/><BR/>Love the voice there, could you strat with it?Christina Graham Parkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04055656554692170817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15273802700262173322008-11-13T11:26:00.000-05:002008-11-13T11:26:00.000-05:00I'm hooked. The only thing I'd change is the first...I'm hooked. The only thing I'd change is the first sentence.<BR/><BR/>Thunder crashed overhead and Annie jumped. <BR/><BR/>Annie jumped as the sound of thunder exploded overhead.Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16073983356557667060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29825590092358871922008-11-13T11:16:00.000-05:002008-11-13T11:16:00.000-05:00I really like your voice so I would be hooked enou...I really like your voice so I would be hooked enough to read on. The biggest thing that stuck out at me was that some of the weather descriptions didn't fit together well--in my opinion.<BR/><BR/>For example:<BR/>A wall of water, to me, would maybe drench or crash into someone/thing, but not pelt. Pelt would be heavy rain. Wall of water is heavy rain squared. ;)Danyelle L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/10366276085080565870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71312242951572257082008-11-13T11:00:00.000-05:002008-11-13T11:00:00.000-05:00You already know my feelings about opening a story...You already know my feelings about opening a story with the weather :-). But Sarah is right, this is great storytelling and really pulls me in because I want to know more about the Redeemers. The best stories always raise questions on the first page, and this one does just that. Excellent job!Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40169862258257216482008-11-13T10:57:00.000-05:002008-11-13T10:57:00.000-05:00Starting with weather is always a poor hook. I ge...Starting with weather is always a poor hook. <BR/><BR/>I get no sense of why this moment in time is so important to the story. <BR/><BR/>What is the conflict? <BR/><BR/>The Redeemers and Matthew do sound interesting, though.Marilynn Byerlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16720129999636676998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33109514823390714882008-11-13T10:28:00.000-05:002008-11-13T10:28:00.000-05:00I'm not sure... I want to say yes because your cha...I'm not sure... I want to say yes because your character and setting sounds right and I'm curious what's going on. But I'm not sure if there is enough clear information here for a solid hook.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34373699713994486892008-11-13T09:23:00.000-05:002008-11-13T09:23:00.000-05:00Usually, I like dialogue on the first page, but th...Usually, I like dialogue on the first page, but this is very good storytelling.<BR/><BR/>I want to read more!<BR/><BR/>However, I do have one suggestion. In your opening paragraph,"She set down her paring knife and a half-sliced apple and stuck her head out the kitchen door.<BR/>A wall of rain pelted her."<BR/><BR/>I would change this to, "She set down her paring knife and a half-sliced apple. Sticking her head out the kitchen door, a wall of rain pelted her."<BR/><BR/>I think that would "flow" a bit better.<BR/><BR/>Wonderful story! Keep it up!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com