tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2410362850977287132..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #15Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83492733202721127482015-02-12T09:52:22.228-05:002015-02-12T09:52:22.228-05:00The feel of the scene definitely works. I liked ho...The feel of the scene definitely works. I liked how you set the mood and then jumped right in.<br /><br />#1Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10859703513161420215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91888464755150592962015-02-12T09:31:52.708-05:002015-02-12T09:31:52.708-05:00Overall, I like this setting and the way the kiss ...Overall, I like this setting and the way the kiss happens - suddenly and 'accidentally'. I would agree with Amethyst about phrasing 'my fingers pass...something I 've wanted to do since the day I met him'. It just sounds a little awkward. Maybe try phrasing it a bit differently. <br /><br />That's all. I think it's pretty good, otherwise. crazyrunner27noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63835076784608778182015-02-12T09:30:51.802-05:002015-02-12T09:30:51.802-05:00Hehe, that's one way to keep a hot temper busy...Hehe, that's one way to keep a hot temper busy! :)<br />Hmm, I like the idea of that first sentence--a lot--but something about the sentence itself, those words...I'm just not feeling it the way I want to. Does that make sense? It's almost like it doesn't feel like she's talking about herself. I want it to be more powerful than it is. <br /><br />I'm not sure why they're ashamed to walk side-by-side. But maybe it would make sense if I'd read about their fight. And I'm not sure I understand why he chooses that particular moment to turn around and kiss her, but again that could be because I'm reading this out of context. <br /><br />But it's interesting and the tension and the kiss itself are great. It sounds like something I'd like to read. Michellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23114583731774321292015-02-11T17:27:21.591-05:002015-02-11T17:27:21.591-05:00Question: Do deserts have drop-offs?
In general, ...Question: Do deserts have drop-offs?<br /><br />In general, I like the tone of Adelie's voice, but "immediate left" and "transition" are jarringly specific and/or technical.<br /><br />Couple of logic warps: We get no notice of Rowan actually bending or leaning in to kiss her, so it feels like his lips have teleported to hers, which is weird.<br /><br />Adelie's FINGERS are performing the action, but it's something ADELIE has wanted to do. With that phrasing it almost sounds like Adelie's fingers butted in. I know that sounds dumb, but the grammar shift brought me up short. If you wrote, "I pass my fingers . . . " that'd change.<br /><br />If they're in the dream world, I kind of feel like they're ALREADY out of time and space, so the assertion that the kiss is the catalyst for that feeling is a bit redundant.<br /><br />Well, that's me!<br /><br />Oh, and comma after "mouth" in the next to last para.AmethystGreyehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02557688110602602130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78903540238986730432015-02-11T13:48:13.479-05:002015-02-11T13:48:13.479-05:00I like the sudden, breathless feel of this...I like the sudden, breathless feel of this...black cathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10127989090380559376noreply@blogger.com