tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2411505028751347704..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August First Line Grabber #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42062644657432083032012-08-11T11:32:01.880-04:002012-08-11T11:32:01.880-04:00Yes, assuming there's some decent action to fo...Yes, assuming there's some decent action to follow. Rumbling cavern promises this.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42132338784070202742012-08-10T15:48:02.254-04:002012-08-10T15:48:02.254-04:00No. Is the cavern hungry (all I can think of is a ...No. Is the cavern hungry (all I can think of is a rumbling tummy!)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39206541403158109812012-08-10T09:59:05.020-04:002012-08-10T09:59:05.020-04:00No - no character to latch onto.No - no character to latch onto.The Dieselpunkettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16957945738556312135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26273787450377738182012-08-09T23:36:56.575-04:002012-08-09T23:36:56.575-04:00No. I'm just confused.No. I'm just confused.Britney Gulbrandsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03637618498524496363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47516623327572748872012-08-09T22:47:42.976-04:002012-08-09T22:47:42.976-04:00No. This happens a lot in stories and I'm not ...No. This happens a lot in stories and I'm not intrigued.Aightballhttp://aightball.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46602980746655123512012-08-09T19:37:43.887-04:002012-08-09T19:37:43.887-04:00Yes. Something is happening, and bigger things ma...Yes. Something is happening, and bigger things may come of it.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23601615988596341432012-08-09T19:13:04.352-04:002012-08-09T19:13:04.352-04:00Yes. It's vague but indicates imminent action,...Yes. It's vague but indicates imminent action, possibly danger.Tori Schindlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12350474671522596420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55833122782731566192012-08-09T15:58:53.885-04:002012-08-09T15:58:53.885-04:00YES. I'm kind of hooked. I feel like I'm t...YES. I'm kind of hooked. I feel like I'm there. I'm in a cavern and it is rumbling. I want to know why. I'm curious and a little scared.The Savannah Writers Grouphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01206251441684538490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32017439141703615112012-08-09T13:23:48.164-04:002012-08-09T13:23:48.164-04:00No. I want to feel how this affects the MC. Does i...No. I want to feel how this affects the MC. Does it knock him/her off her feet? Is he/she inside the cavern? Outside? There's not enough here to attach to.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22694972341062327962012-08-09T12:50:56.698-04:002012-08-09T12:50:56.698-04:00Yes, but needs more impact. Unless the next lines ...Yes, but needs more impact. Unless the next lines introduce a strong and memorable MC.Robbnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47469608030098418992012-08-09T11:08:09.606-04:002012-08-09T11:08:09.606-04:00No. I feel dumped in the middle of action. Don'...No. I feel dumped in the middle of action. Don't where I am or who's there that I should care about.AnnieBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14561758254801017212012-08-09T10:43:48.136-04:002012-08-09T10:43:48.136-04:00No.
I'd rather start with character and frame...No.<br /><br />I'd rather start with character and frame this information with the MC's reaction.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71576137586882373892012-08-09T07:03:44.810-04:002012-08-09T07:03:44.810-04:00No. Needs emotional reaction to rumbling.No. Needs emotional reaction to rumbling.Jennnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71305088752590062172012-08-09T00:42:43.182-04:002012-08-09T00:42:43.182-04:00Yes - but only a weak endorsement here. Get into s...Yes - but only a weak endorsement here. Get into some internalisation and action in the next few lines and you might save it.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17269466181057964112012-08-09T00:13:21.650-04:002012-08-09T00:13:21.650-04:00No. I'd like a sense of the p.o.v. character -...No. I'd like a sense of the p.o.v. character -- who is experiencing the rumbling and how does he or she feel about it?Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54379731204882024322012-08-08T22:22:14.912-04:002012-08-08T22:22:14.912-04:00No. Maybe if there were people in the cave, I migh...No. Maybe if there were people in the cave, I might care to read more.Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45560867493728572552012-08-08T21:36:41.420-04:002012-08-08T21:36:41.420-04:00No--try adding an "and" at the end, then...No--try adding an "and" at the end, then showing how a character reacts to the rumbling. Right now, I don't feel scared for anyone.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28795255729276374652012-08-08T21:34:17.384-04:002012-08-08T21:34:17.384-04:00No. No hint of who is experiencing the rumbling an...No. No hint of who is experiencing the rumbling and why the number of rumbles matters.Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10781018311121941242012-08-08T20:09:44.159-04:002012-08-08T20:09:44.159-04:00No. While I now have some idea of what's going...No. While I now have some idea of what's going on, it doesn't really catch my attention. It could be because I don't know if this is good or bad for the main character.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12968535890181889892012-08-08T19:21:14.150-04:002012-08-08T19:21:14.150-04:00Yes, although it's obviously a set up and does...Yes, although it's obviously a set up and doesn't give much information, it has enough to make me read the next sentence. The voice is good and strong.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22710598096272463602012-08-08T19:08:06.832-04:002012-08-08T19:08:06.832-04:00Yes. Danger, specific timeline. I'm there.Yes. Danger, specific timeline. I'm there.Shiela Calderón Blankemeierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05164253791139502033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55602539789377625092012-08-08T18:38:31.813-04:002012-08-08T18:38:31.813-04:00No, awkwardNo, awkwardAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54323888817061861832012-08-08T18:06:11.931-04:002012-08-08T18:06:11.931-04:00Yes, but it depends heavily on the next sentence. ...Yes, but it depends heavily on the next sentence. The quaking interests me, and I often like omniscient narrator beginnings. However, I'd need a really good 'feeling' sentence for the next one.Petre Panhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89501616647331554152012-08-08T17:16:33.372-04:002012-08-08T17:16:33.372-04:00No. Although I think I see what you're gettin...No. Although I think I see what you're getting at, when there are no characters to worry about, I don't care what's happening with the tunnel.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21499323411946068862012-08-08T17:15:25.508-04:002012-08-08T17:15:25.508-04:00No. Lacks voice. If the character were in the cave...No. Lacks voice. If the character were in the cavern, or cared about what was happening there, I'd expect to see that emotion reflected here.foxfyrehttp://www.rmthompson.comnoreply@blogger.com