tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2462376125237010292..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: #90 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7293853616217619472008-07-21T11:48:00.000-04:002008-07-21T11:48:00.000-04:00Yes, I'm hooked. Despite some of the criticsms ab...Yes, I'm hooked. Despite some of the criticsms above that I do agree with, the foretelling of her mother's death at the age of 3 is interesting enough to keep me reading.J. Lea Lopezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127268567300257974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87469972678253744702008-07-20T05:30:00.000-04:002008-07-20T05:30:00.000-04:00Not really, but the last three paragraphs are grea...Not really, but the last three paragraphs are great. The lead-up is not very interesting, or unusual IMO.<BR/><BR/>I think the birthday scene is a good intro, even if it has nothing to do with the rest of the book because it sets out the conditions for the way she sees herself and her talent. It introduces a kind of shame and embarrassment that potentially underlies her teenage personality.<BR/><BR/>JMO.<BR/><BR/>Good luck with this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60103744402756141742008-07-20T01:00:00.000-04:002008-07-20T01:00:00.000-04:00Yes.But only if you delete the first three paragra...Yes.<BR/><BR/>But only if you delete the first three paragraphs and start with the prediction of her mother's death when she was three. <BR/><BR/>Then when you revert back to real time, age 13, go with action.candycanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14566547198433841652noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68604870146940135312008-07-20T00:52:00.000-04:002008-07-20T00:52:00.000-04:00Start with para three and it's a big yes. If I had...Start with para three and it's a big yes. <BR/><BR/>If I had a dollar for every time I've read about a girl who's able to see the future called Cassandra after the famous prophetess..... Not so much of a prob if you don't have it right up front, though :)Amy Laurenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16782528327499574711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42553420067623568082008-07-20T00:40:00.000-04:002008-07-20T00:40:00.000-04:00Hooked? Yes.I would drop the "he screamed at me." ...Hooked? Yes.<BR/><BR/>I would drop the "he screamed at me." at the very end. You started with a beat (grandpa smacking her), so the dialogue stands perfectly well on its own.<BR/><BR/>I liked the birthday as well, but I would have liked to have seen it in scene form. <BR/><BR/>Here's my quick take on it.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure where the thought came from, it just-did. "Mama, you're gonna die." <BR/><BR/>Papa choked on his soda, and spat it all over everyone. Grandpa's face turned red as he stood, leaned over the table, and swatted me across the face. "Don't you ever say anything like that again."<BR/><BR/><BR/>I like it.Davehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03699751175612528665noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44501354441302177762008-07-19T23:37:00.000-04:002008-07-19T23:37:00.000-04:00You hooked me, I would read on. The birthday scen...You hooked me, I would read on. The birthday scene was great. Loved it!Victorinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06052077366367623323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17715056749198049362008-07-19T23:35:00.000-04:002008-07-19T23:35:00.000-04:00No.I liked the opening line, but I do not like tha...No.<BR/><BR/>I liked the opening line, but I do not like that we are immediately thrown into a back flash--not that I don't like back flashes, either, but I tend not to like the lead-in lines (where she lies down and decides to muse on her life up to this point :S)<BR/><BR/>I'd start with the party.<BR/><BR/>Good luck,<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44772559870712547632008-07-19T20:49:00.000-04:002008-07-19T20:49:00.000-04:00Sorry, pass. With some reworking, though, I think ...Sorry, pass. With some reworking, though, I think it could work. No suggestions at the moment.<BR/><BR/>Best wishes,<BR/><BR/>BethBeth Overmyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04820441246149409581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86425498325319130872008-07-19T20:33:00.000-04:002008-07-19T20:33:00.000-04:00I was all set to say No and then you totally turne...I was all set to say No and then you totally turned it around in the third para there. The first three just did not ring true--but boy the next three work. On a market note, I'd encourage you to think about the age of your MC--13's a little young for YA (more tween--the idea that kids "read up" and all) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77337673790355902732008-07-19T19:51:00.000-04:002008-07-19T19:51:00.000-04:00If this started at the third birthday, I'd say yes...If this started at the third birthday, I'd say yes. As it is, the first paragraphs didn't grab me for the same reasons others here have cited.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29669989026979585342008-07-19T19:14:00.000-04:002008-07-19T19:14:00.000-04:00No, but fortunately it's easily fixable.The first ...No, but fortunately it's easily fixable.<BR/><BR/>The first three paragraphs are all heavy handed exposition and/or navel-gazing. Get rid of them and start with the third, that should get things moving with a bang.Symbolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11206494728336515689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43573207725880803852008-07-19T14:32:00.000-04:002008-07-19T14:32:00.000-04:00I'd seriously consider using the premonition of th...I'd seriously consider using the premonition of the mother's death as the lead graf. That's your real hook, IMO. Also, there are some minor technical glitches here that got to me (but I've been called a grammar Nazi, so take that criticism FWIW). For example, take a close look at your very first sentence. See the flip-flopped "it would"?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25484870009921973322008-07-19T11:40:00.000-04:002008-07-19T11:40:00.000-04:00It's the author here.Everyone has made really good...It's the author here.<BR/><BR/>Everyone has made really good points. I know that not much action takes place on this first page, and that's why I debated whether to put it up. The problem was that when I started with the action scene that takes place in the next page (abusive father and blackmail), it really didn't work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17872771230317576252008-07-19T07:58:00.000-04:002008-07-19T07:58:00.000-04:00I think your opening line will be sufficient to ho...I think your opening line will be sufficient to hook any teen in Christendom - and outside of it. I don't know that I'd call her name unusual, but I love that she was named after prophetesses and that the name itself is prophetic. I think that instead of showing us the scene you did, you might show us a current danger situation so we know something of her future and can be concerned. Right now, there's sympathy, but no forward motion. I'd definitely have read this as a teen, by the way. Probably multiple times!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82764970089214770632008-07-19T03:02:00.000-04:002008-07-19T03:02:00.000-04:00NOt hooked.Not my genre, but I'd start with the bi...NOt hooked.<BR/><BR/>Not my genre, but I'd start with the birthday then move to the hotel scene. The birthday scene had a little more crackle than anything else.<BR/><BR/>Overall, the premise isn't very intriguing unless I know what her work is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75487333163804786562008-07-18T22:04:00.000-04:002008-07-18T22:04:00.000-04:00I've seen this before! I think you could have a li...I've seen this before! I think you could have a little more active an opening, the character breaking the fourth wall to introduce herself is a little odd unless the entire book is written as a memoir.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25991314477273148442008-07-18T21:28:00.000-04:002008-07-18T21:28:00.000-04:00Yes. The line about the name not being normal didn...Yes. The line about the name not being normal didn't make sense to me. Seems like a normal name. I agree that starting with the third birthday would be a great start. Either way, I would read more.LMThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14326868690623302797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53520707385353947422008-07-18T17:00:00.000-04:002008-07-18T17:00:00.000-04:00Yes. While I'm not a huge fan of prophets, I like ...Yes. While I'm not a huge fan of prophets, I like the voice and think it's interesting to see a teenager living in hotels and working. I'm not too keen on the flashback, but I'd keep reading further to see how the plot develops.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77040419628385398052008-07-18T14:53:00.000-04:002008-07-18T14:53:00.000-04:00Yes! But then I've seen this before and loved it t...Yes! But then I've seen this before and loved it then.Nayuleskahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08693548526829437580noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65625763740173718122008-07-18T12:18:00.000-04:002008-07-18T12:18:00.000-04:00The writing is fine, but to lure us in, I'd consid...The writing is fine, but to lure us in, I'd consider moving the first two paragraphs deeper into the chapter. Otherwise, you risk losing old impatient guys like me who aren't interested in listening to a young woman whine about being too busy and having an unusual name while pacing a hotel room. Sorry, having a neat name and a busy calendar does not make me feel anything. If I were in a hurry, with many manuscripts to cull, I might toss this into the "sorry" pile before I got to the cool, juicy stuff in paragraph three.<BR/><BR/>But once I got there, if I got there, I'd keep reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43685702040979104562008-07-18T09:57:00.000-04:002008-07-18T09:57:00.000-04:00Originally, I would have said tentatively, but the...Originally, I would have said tentatively, but then revised my opinion to a no. Here's why:<BR/><BR/>It's an interesting premise, but the flashback, not even 100 words into your story, doesn't work for me. If you need to flash back to the action, then start the novel there instead. <BR/><BR/>Plus, it's also a turn off that the chapter starts with a character doing nothing but musing about the past, and doing nothing in the present. There's no action and no conflict in the MC's present, only in the past. <BR/><BR/>So while I think this has a lot of potential, I also think this opening sequence needs a major overhaul. Sorry.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-352545394725383952008-07-18T03:11:00.000-04:002008-07-18T03:11:00.000-04:00Very intriguing. I'd definitely read further! Only...Very intriguing. I'd definitely read further! Only, Mom just fainted, right? She didn't keel over and die right then, amongst the broken dishes, did she? Maybe clarify this a bit...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37280592728068644482008-07-17T20:21:00.000-04:002008-07-17T20:21:00.000-04:00Yes, I really liked it and I would keep the first ...Yes, I really liked it and I would keep the first premonition in the beginning, since it was one of the things that hooked me. I really want to know how she ended up in a hotel room at such a young age.supermuppethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17161655598291985788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85614447047373580622008-07-17T19:13:00.000-04:002008-07-17T19:13:00.000-04:00Yes<:This sold me, btw:On my third birthday, I ...Yes<:<BR/><BR/>This sold me, btw:<BR/><BR/><I>On my third birthday, I gave my first verbal premonition. I sat at the dinner table eating birthday cake, covered in pink frosting and told my mom she was going to die.</I><BR/><BR/>Nice job<:Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44895274245228554392008-07-17T18:15:00.000-04:002008-07-17T18:15:00.000-04:00I like it, but I would start it with her first pre...I like it, but I would start it with her first premonition: On my third birthday... It's a better hook.Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.com