tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2472475451377740791..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17785238142034594692014-07-28T09:37:10.608-04:002014-07-28T09:37:10.608-04:00I hope you all revisit this
entry because I want ...I hope you all revisit this <br />entry because I want to thank everyone who commented! I know it takes time to do this - your thoughts are much appreciated. <br /><br />Yes!!! The POV is a dog's. The chapter title is: Three Men in a Tub is Better Than One Dog. That probably would have helped the reader know the MC is a dog. And even though I couldn't have a chapter heading in the submission, I could have moved that line into the text of the story. <br /><br />Yes!!! I will move the paragraph about the human names a bit deeper into the story. It eats up precious intro space. <br /><br />Yes!!! If I write anything longer than my name I'll run it by a member of my writer's group because I just do not see the errors on the page. :-O <br /><br />I've learned a lot from your comments - about my piece as well as other entries. Thanks again!Mrs Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67133679362829832382014-07-27T12:24:11.773-04:002014-07-27T12:24:11.773-04:00I liked the humor here, and am intrigued by the id...I liked the humor here, and am intrigued by the idea of a book from the POV of a dog. But the information about the names is distracting here and pulls us out of the moment. You might want to cut this, or move it later in the story.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30100090796341725032014-07-26T08:24:35.410-04:002014-07-26T08:24:35.410-04:00MC is a dog? I was just beginning to like your MC ...MC is a dog? I was just beginning to like your MC boy when I found out he was a dog. Threw me a bit. Could you move the "Wait a minute" paragraph to the first then go to the first paragraph? When Mrs. C said "Come here, boy" I thought it said more about her than it did about the MC, so I was surprised to find out the MC was actually a dog she was calling. Thought she was just a crotchety old lady that called kids 'boy'.<br />I would leave out the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs completely. Or move them to later after you set up that the MC is a dog and where he is and what he wants. They slow the story down. Although they do help us see the MCs attitude. Although, as a dog owner, I'm not sure I like that attitude in a dog! :-D Of course, if I were 10, I'd probably love it.Katrinkanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71377762299332126082014-07-25T13:01:59.288-04:002014-07-25T13:01:59.288-04:00I really like the voice so far! A little sarcastic...I really like the voice so far! A little sarcastic combined with humor always reads well, I think. The only thing I didn’t like about this was there seemed to be too many characters. Mrs. C was walking across the deck and then Mr. C appears and before the 250 words is up there are some children involved as well. I guess I’d also like to know how the main character is related to the C’s and why they would have to hunt him down to give him a bath (unless he is a dog…), but I’d probably just keep reading to find out ☺K. Stokernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62196500169355635652014-07-25T09:38:33.268-04:002014-07-25T09:38:33.268-04:00I understood that the narrator is the dog, and I t...I understood that the narrator is the dog, and I think it's cute. Like the others mentioned, proofread again for the technical errors, punctuation, missing word in the opening paragraph.<br /><br />I don't mind the first paragraph of name explanation because that's the narrator. The second, eh, it could go. I don't think an MG reader will understand the simile. I didn't.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56769159550606964272014-07-24T01:30:34.700-04:002014-07-24T01:30:34.700-04:00Ditto on the grammar and punctuation errors. But I...Ditto on the grammar and punctuation errors. But I didn't get the MC was a dog, but I'm posting my comments around midnight, which could be adding to my confusion.<br /><br />The explanations of the words were too long and I wasn't sure about the importance. This made it difficult for me to connect to the MC.<br /><br />Also, you mention Mokie is short for Mokus, but it really isn't because they have the same number of characters. I think maybe it's a nickname for Mokus, or something, but not "short for".<br /><br />If the MC is really a dog, I think you've got a cool concept going. If you tighten up the sentences and grammar, I'd be very interested in where the story was going.<br /><br />Hope this helped. Good luck!P.D. Pabsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14823564043935775090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16681573247650084782014-07-23T22:07:50.154-04:002014-07-23T22:07:50.154-04:00I'm guessing the blurb will mention that he...I'm guessing the blurb will mention that he's a dog. The first sentence sounded like she was talking to a dog, it just too me a second to realize that the MC was the dog!<br /><br />The missing words did throw me off. The dog has a distinct voice, but I don't think I'd be able to read this. An MG book from the POV of a dog is interesting though. It might actually work better as a chapter book, but I don't read a ton of MG so I'm definitely not an expert. <br /><br />The name explanations went on too long. It's not necessary. I think it would flow better (and erase a lot of confusion) if you moved all the stuff about the bath up.<br /><br />All this said, if I was into talking dogs and could deal with his bad grammar, this does sound like fun. krystal janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02115542477066959046noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46342318259969292142014-07-23T21:34:42.463-04:002014-07-23T21:34:42.463-04:00It took me a while to figure out the MC was a dog....It took me a while to figure out the MC was a dog. At least I'm 90% sure it's a dog... <br /><br />The missing word in the first paragraph threw me off a little, and the explanation of Mr and Mrs C's name went on a little long for me. <br /><br />I loved the part about the whistle and Animal Planet. I'm curious how the title plays into it all. Overall, I found it funny - just needs some tightening up here and there. Good luck!Patriciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09027896174885827867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16811668476179894942014-07-23T14:46:00.753-04:002014-07-23T14:46:00.753-04:00Congrats on writing a book! Best of luck with ever...Congrats on writing a book! Best of luck with everything. This beginning is fun, with a light-heartedness that is intriguing.<br /><br />I do think it would help for you to tighten up things, use less words for the same meanings. Such as, flip-flops can't be nervous -- just say they fluttered and that's enough. I think you're also missing a "was" in 5th sentence.<br /><br />The explanations of the names is too much for this part of a book. I would suggest moving that (but tightened up!) to a later part of the book. For now, you need to get us into the action. I would suggest you go right from "Hiding under the deck." to the 4th paragraph, and leave the name stuff for later, once the action is going.<br /><br />Is your protagonist actually a dog? Not quite sure...he talks about dogs, but I'm not sure if that's just a joke about the whistle.<br /><br />There is some clever and fun writing in here -- it's just buried in some of the other stuff.<br /><br />Again, good luck! I hope this is helpful for you.Judy Clemenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04905294558438773987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1697112578084953352014-07-23T14:04:25.468-04:002014-07-23T14:04:25.468-04:00Ah - so he's a dog? I'd like to know this ...Ah - so he's a dog? I'd like to know this much sooner. <br /><br />I didn't mind the first paragraph about his (her?) name. It was funny and conveyed attitude. The second, though, (about the Capragonoleonos) went on too long. Moving it to a later page would help. Zachnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52533918183169676752014-07-23T11:05:41.340-04:002014-07-23T11:05:41.340-04:00I did not care for this opening. There are grammar...I did not care for this opening. There are grammar and punctuation issues. Also, I didn't care for so much explanation of all the names. It wasn't very intriguing. I didn't even get to the end. <br /><br />perhaps reconsider where your story starts and leave out the name information for the moment. Just my opinion.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10223359712001924744noreply@blogger.com