tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2542641475726174580..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #11Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48079062035366817352014-04-04T16:18:22.108-04:002014-04-04T16:18:22.108-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55369320041670164342014-04-04T15:52:10.180-04:002014-04-04T15:52:10.180-04:00I thought you did a great job with voice here. I ...I thought you did a great job with voice here. I get a sense that Bea probably isn't very high up on the socioeconomic ladder, and that she probably comes from a rural area as opposed to a large city.<br /><br />Perhaps keep the first sentence of Parg 1, and cut the rest, then join it with parg 2.<br /><br />Cut exasperatedly.<br /><br />Cut the - I'm completely shocked parg - You're announcing that something is going to happen, and then you show it. You only need the showing. and then say Suddenly I'm scooped etc, instead of 'Instead.'Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36651217722779428262014-04-03T16:29:01.154-04:002014-04-03T16:29:01.154-04:00Thank ya'll for the suggestions! They're v...Thank ya'll for the suggestions! They're very much appreciated.Candice Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40547646207407077382014-04-03T09:59:15.215-04:002014-04-03T09:59:15.215-04:00You give a strong sense of a likable but vulnerabl...You give a strong sense of a likable but vulnerable character in Bea. I like her. The prose is simple and strong with vivid, sensory images that have more impact as a result. Is there a typo in "Bea stock?" Do you mean "Bea shock?"MaryAlicenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8327257921977014422014-04-02T15:33:08.355-04:002014-04-02T15:33:08.355-04:00Love the name Bea! "Bea Pearl" and "...Love the name Bea! "Bea Pearl" and "spicy crawfish" evoke a definite setting.<br /><br />Maybe say "In exasperation" instead of exasperatedly, or use a stronger verb.<br /><br />Did you mean to say "busted" in the 4th paragraph, or is that Bea's dialect?<br /><br />Agree about deleting: "I’m completely shocked by what happens next."<br /><br />Maybe: "I’m scooped up faster than I can think and I find my my body crushed to his."<br /><br />What is "Bea stock"? (I'm sure it's explained previously, and that case, probably works well.)<br /><br />Maybe: "...but it doesn't begin to compare to this first kiss."<br /><br />"as if I just ate spicy crawfish" gave me a jolt. Not very romantic! But it might work if the crawfish is from some restaurant already mentioned in the story. "... as if I'd just eaten some of Mama Boudreau's spicy crawfish." Especially if Colin has fed them to her very seductively! ;)<br /><br />The last two sentences might work better as her thought.<br />MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40062399470904643252014-04-02T14:09:28.619-04:002014-04-02T14:09:28.619-04:00As stated, I agree that the narrative tells us wha...As stated, I agree that the narrative tells us what is later shown in the scene. I would nix the first few paragraphs where she ponders and just show the scene unfold. <br /><br />"Exasperatedly" is a bit of a mouthful. Take it out and maybe use a stronger verb than "push" for her hair, and you show the exasperation without tell us. <br /><br />I don't know what writing rule this is, or if it is one, but phrases like: "I’m completely shocked by what happens next." are usually not needed. What follows shows us instead of adding a neon sign pointing "Hey, look what happens next!" <br /><br />Love the line that he tastes of boat rides on breezy days. And the line that follows tying back an earlier moment of dancing with what happens now. I love those connecting threads in books. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16577837760869944692014-04-02T11:26:09.692-04:002014-04-02T11:26:09.692-04:00Ok,
I loved everything after "He frowns"...Ok,<br /><br />I loved everything after "He frowns". Everything before could use some tightening. The first half is just not as fluid and concise as the second half. The second paragraph was the main offender for me. I agree with the previous commenter about the "I'm completely shocked by what happens next line". It slows everything down. You dont have to tell us she'll be shocked. BEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13656954679737953342014-04-02T10:38:32.849-04:002014-04-02T10:38:32.849-04:00There's some repetition in the first half that...There's some repetition in the first half that seems bulky to me. First, Bea thinks about how she's going to get the "just friends" speech, and then she expresses the same thing to Colin. I think you could go with either one or the other there -- the interior monologue or the dialogue about it. That, or the dialogue should build on the interior monologue in some way, rather than just restating the same thing.<br /><br /><i>I'm completely shocked by what happens next.</i> This comes off awkward in present tense. I think you could skip straight to "Instead, I'm scooped up..." so as to show us Bea's shock.<br /><br />I really like the language you use during the kiss itself. "boat rides on breezy days" -- love it! I like both these characters and I'd be interested to read their story.Harper K.noreply@blogger.com