tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2550306715435991287..comments2024-03-19T07:38:28.530-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82525843120757469312012-08-18T16:09:37.511-04:002012-08-18T16:09:37.511-04:00This is a very compelling and intriguing set up. J...This is a very compelling and intriguing set up. Just how crazy is she? That stated, I feel this needs some tweaks. The second paragraph is awkward and needs to be reworked. There is a bit of info dumping going on in the third, but I find it's helpful because it grounds me to her--I know she's smart and how she got there. <br /><br />Others mentioned the patient uniform--I just don't know the protocol of various mental hospitals to comment but make sure you've done your research.<br /><br />All in all, you have a terrific premise and a dynamic character. Nice job!secret agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84357113874217754312012-08-16T21:31:36.273-04:002012-08-16T21:31:36.273-04:00There's a lot to like here! I especially liked...There's a lot to like here! I especially liked the first paragraph and the last 2 lines. I may be WAY off but a couple of details gave me pause. If the room is soundproofed, I would assume the patient is violent and therefore in a single room. I wonder if patients have uniforms and if they have pockets to hold hidden things. I don't know the answers to either of these issues, so I'm probably off, but it just threw me off a bit. Nice phrasings throughout. Good luck!Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85986369837904122032012-08-16T17:15:39.809-04:002012-08-16T17:15:39.809-04:00A bold opening line will really help this. You hav...A bold opening line will really help this. You have a lot to work with here, and starting with a wordy location description isn't setting the right tone. Something like this:<br />"Plans for my escape started the day they wheeled me into that mental institution" or even a combo of that and the sentence that follows: <br />"I was twenty-two years old and fresh out of Harvard when they wheeled me into that mental institution. Ever since that day, I planned for my escape."<br /><br />Then describing in detail the character's surroundings makes sense. He/she has studied the area for a breakout. <br /><br />Just a suggestion. good luck!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81837389068390345202012-08-16T14:40:09.841-04:002012-08-16T14:40:09.841-04:00Intriguing premise, confusing presentation. Perha...Intriguing premise, confusing presentation. Perhaps pacing the reveal of information might coax me into the story, instead of throwing it all my way in one fell swoop at the start.<br />I always find the use of the first person an interesting choice, esp. with a thriller, could be dangerous, but could be more powerful. I hope it works, because it sounds like a great story. Good luck!Gina Favahttp://www.ginafava.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23902501070056560922012-08-16T13:55:51.501-04:002012-08-16T13:55:51.501-04:00Spooky idea...
but, first sentence is a little lo...<br />Spooky idea...<br /><br />but, first sentence is a little long. Maybe make it into two. And what does the it in the second sentence refer to? I had to go back to find out, so maybe make that clearer and condense the description a bit?<br /><br />What does she have to stay focused on? Maybe a bit of action or dialogue here to break up the description and back story? <br /><br />Is Beaubois the name of the institution or someone she's talking to in her head? Maybe clarify. If it's the institution, doesn't ring true as a psychiatric facility name. <br /><br /><br />The paragraph about cutting herself implies she's still not thinking clearly or is denial.<br /><br />“Tick, tock. I’m not done, yet.” I whispered into the Beaubois dark.<br /><br />Okay, so Beaubois is the name of the place...maybe the name would work if she were in France.<br /><br />Patients don't wear uniforms. Maybe she pats the pocket of her bathrobe?<br /><br />You have a good idea though, and I'd read on...Carolyn Chambers Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03494503999922712440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8528143667798741652012-08-16T08:15:15.668-04:002012-08-16T08:15:15.668-04:00The first two paragraphs here are great. Your des...The first two paragraphs here are great. Your descriptions are very evocative, with a sense of the specific that makes this come alive. The first sentence in particular really grabbed me and pulled me in, making me want to know more. <br /><br />I would suggest cutting the third paragraph and moving straight into the action, so as not to break the pacing and tension. Geahttp://manhattanforbeginners.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22413970474229057702012-08-16T00:17:01.550-04:002012-08-16T00:17:01.550-04:00The line, "Tick, tock. I'm not done yet,&...The line, "Tick, tock. I'm not done yet," is so marvelously creepy that I think you should use it for your opening line, too. And then one or two more times.<br /><br />Ex: "My plan was in motion. I couldn't be stopped. Tick, tock."<br /><br />or <br /><br />I waited as the clock dragged itself through time. Tick, tock."<br /><br />or<br /><br />"I had my reasons. Tick, tock."<br /><br />I think this would increase the intensity and make the reader wonder if the MC was really crazy or not. It wouldn't take much; just a few here and there.Genevieve Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14403432916401871158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21035265860610224562012-08-15T21:28:37.853-04:002012-08-15T21:28:37.853-04:00Lot's of great tension here. The casualness of...Lot's of great tension here. The casualness of the description of the suicide attempt is chilling. jnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16703984825935317569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10455501351082866272012-08-15T18:06:37.732-04:002012-08-15T18:06:37.732-04:00There's a lot of information here. I would spa...There's a lot of information here. I would space this out a bit more so as to not overwhelm the reader. Interesting premise. Personally, I'd start the novel with the line- "Plans for my escape started..."<br />Waaay punchier.zolosolohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15330948524013339225noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24819154399065588052012-08-15T13:05:51.648-04:002012-08-15T13:05:51.648-04:00oh my. i'm intrigued and want to know why this...oh my. i'm intrigued and want to know why this woman is so far gone...wanting to escape the institution for a guy who's break up lead her there (i'm assuming that's the case of course). yikes (in a good way).jessika fleckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10808906296309031940noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71611082422640159812012-08-15T12:09:38.374-04:002012-08-15T12:09:38.374-04:00Slightly over written as with the last sentence in...Slightly over written as with the last sentence in the second paragraph. Considering where she's at, I think the hint at melodrama works. My main problem with this isn't the writing or the setting, both are fine; it's that the MC cut herself over losing a guy. I like for my protags to be stronger than that.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20328872727619350582012-08-15T10:28:21.138-04:002012-08-15T10:28:21.138-04:00I really like this, but I think there's a litt...I really like this, but I think there's a little too much telling in the third paragraph.<br /><br />I think having the MC in a mental institution is a great place to start, though.<br /><br />I would definitely read on; the last line creates quite a lot of intrigue for me. Madnoreply@blogger.com