tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post257576708336324564..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #43Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49601141050201707542012-09-10T15:04:29.934-04:002012-09-10T15:04:29.934-04:00Great job, winning entry writer!
I liked this ove...Great job, winning entry writer!<br /><br />I liked this overall, especially where you chose to start the story which makes a huge difference. I do agree with a few of the nitpicks. I don't think the repeated line from the guard is needed, you can take that part out and leave in "There's a man here to see you." Ditto for the "You.HAve.A. Visitor." line which I get, but is a third time repeat while you could just have the guard tell her to get her ass up and you get the irritation. <br /><br />I'm intrigued! I think YA thrillers seem to be getting a lot of attention, so congrats.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6926073297008783212012-09-10T06:03:19.475-04:002012-09-10T06:03:19.475-04:00I appreciate that you've immediately conveyed ...I appreciate that you've immediately conveyed the MC's name, and the setting. I like that the setting creates a mystery--why is she in a cell? And I like that there's another mystery--who's this visitor? Great job of sucking me in, and I'd read more.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84415845290596694312012-09-08T08:40:06.833-04:002012-09-08T08:40:06.833-04:00I completely agree with Kathy that the MC's la...I completely agree with Kathy that the MC's lack of sarcasm/snark made her more endearing to me than the cookie-cutter MC we usually get who is world-weary and full of bile. It is so refreshing to get a real person in YA instead of that cliche. The repeated line from the guard after her "what?" slows the pace which is something you don't want at the very beginning. Maybe a "who?" instead of a "what?" would take care of that. There might be more opportunity for description than just a "maze of hallways" - perhaps some visceral detail of what she sees/hears/smells as she makes her way to the visiting area. I think I like the way you establish this in 2025 by using the calendar - I would much rather know from the start where and when we are than have you go through contortions to try and bring it in using another way. So, I had no problem with that - plus a marked-off calendar on the wall seems absolutely authentic to me so unlike others I thought it was good. The way you set up the visitor as perhaps a threat, perhaps an ominous presence - or maybe just a key to her release - is handled very well. Whoever he is, we know we are about to get a story set in motion by what he has to say. So, I would go on reading and I think you did a very nice job.Danielnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78718535632631735892012-09-06T22:14:17.433-04:002012-09-06T22:14:17.433-04:00This opening makes me curious enough to read on. Y...This opening makes me curious enough to read on. You found a nice balance between setting the scene and introducing some intrigue.<br /><br />Good luck!Kaleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08005313751668055687noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23246680651307963912012-09-06T20:36:48.114-04:002012-09-06T20:36:48.114-04:00I would continue reading. I like the fact that Na...I would continue reading. I like the fact that Naomi doesn't seem to have attitude issues. The lack of snarkiness made her more likeable to me, even though she's in prison. I thought your descriptions were just right, not too much, not too little. Good job.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04197971968614987477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43560310723865235082012-09-06T18:06:58.259-04:002012-09-06T18:06:58.259-04:00I'm interested in learning why Naomi is in jai...I'm interested in learning why Naomi is in jail. I think it might be stronger if you didn't use the "what" and the guard repeating his line. I think it might be better to dive into the story without any repeating in the opening lines. The visitor sounds intriguing. Nice work.<br /> Chris Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06926309475066550349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-163231307417036582012-09-06T13:14:06.870-04:002012-09-06T13:14:06.870-04:00This caught my attention, mainly because a prison ...This caught my attention, mainly because a prison opening is not something I've seen in many YA stories. I'll be interested to know what got her there.Sujahttp://wordsofwisdomearth.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18329822847583447272012-09-05T23:38:11.071-04:002012-09-05T23:38:11.071-04:00This is a very engaging opening; I'd definitel...This is a very engaging opening; I'd definitely read on to see who Naomi's mysterious visitor is. The mention of the year 2025 made me immediately think 'sci-fi/dystopian' instead of fantasy, but maybe that's just me. Also, Naomi's character feels a bit bland--I didn't get a good sense of who she is, but I'm sure you'll fill in the character details after the 250. Good job and good luck! T.Y.http://thelitconnection.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26986350537292277202012-09-05T22:50:26.993-04:002012-09-05T22:50:26.993-04:00I like this a lot. I thought it was an original pl...I like this a lot. I thought it was an original place to start. I agree that the date situation is unclear. Are we in the future? If we are, can it still be a thriller? <br /><br />But I like the fact that there is no 'attitude' or snarkiness or opinions. You give just enough information to make this interesting. I would keep reading. <br /><br />Good luck!<br />Emmanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89858766064279746412012-09-05T21:28:30.687-04:002012-09-05T21:28:30.687-04:00I like this because I am left wondering who this v...I like this because I am left wondering who this visitor is and why NAomi is in jail.<br /><br />I was also thrown by the date. It seemed a "cheat," a way to set the scene in a too-direct way. I would cut this and either put in later or give us a sense of the future without directly stating it.<br /><br />I like the comment about her mother snapping at her for years. Makes me wonder what her relationship to the MC is.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01978474302944767837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74104435345031584562012-09-05T20:54:16.748-04:002012-09-05T20:54:16.748-04:00I agree with the comment asking for more internali...I agree with the comment asking for more internalization. Other than that, this is a good start. Prison is definitely not overdone in the YA market. :)<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01052604405996474436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7072016047656164122012-09-05T20:09:50.295-04:002012-09-05T20:09:50.295-04:00A YA that doesn't start in a school gets my at...A YA that doesn't start in a school gets my attention, even better that she's in prison. You have a good writing style and voice. My only nit pick is for the last paragraph. I don't think this is the page to talk about her posture, but mentioning the visitor's said a lot about him.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58339267558375252302012-09-05T17:37:46.783-04:002012-09-05T17:37:46.783-04:00This is an intriguing start but I wouldn’t keep re...This is an intriguing start but I wouldn’t keep reading. I don’t feel connected to the mc, so I don’t care what happens to her. Add internalization and Naomi’s voice will come alive and give us a sense of her personality.<br /><br />"Picking herself up off the bed, Naomi attempted to straighten her wrinkled uniform before her hands were cuffed." I don’t know why, but Naomi’s pov felt distant with the sentence. Maybe use some internalization to show why it’s important for her to straighten her uniform, and show us her failing to achieve her goal. How does she attempt to straighten it? With an iron? (be specific) <br /><br />You’ve got a good start here, but it can be made a lot stronger. Right now, it’s just description and action. Study the first page of your favorite YA thriller and see how the author balance internationalization, description, and action.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />Anjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69577634657114912692012-09-05T15:20:11.244-04:002012-09-05T15:20:11.244-04:00I like your writing style a lot, and think this is...I like your writing style a lot, and think this is a great beginning. My only suggestion is to maybe have her say something other than "What?" at the beginning. It might have just been me, but it sort of pulled me out of the story. Just a thought. Great job.The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39582327229622222012012-09-05T11:59:43.183-04:002012-09-05T11:59:43.183-04:00I like this. I would read on. I'm a little c...I like this. I would read on. I'm a little confused about the date on the calendar, though - is today Sept 4 2025, or is that when she gets out of jail? Maybe change to "...counting down the time on her sentence, said today was September 4 2025" or "counting down the time on her sentence all the way to September 4 2025"? Just a thought.K Callardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79073296428110247322012-09-05T11:10:46.921-04:002012-09-05T11:10:46.921-04:00I like this. It's not super intense, but I do...I like this. It's not super intense, but I don't think every opening scene has to be. I'm curious about who has come to visit and why she's in prison. My only suggestion is to change the sentence: Picking herself up off the bed... to something more simple: Naomi rolled off the bed. I would read on.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.com