tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2624444164233218739..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 16 Query ContestAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88767178227779737692009-08-01T02:03:38.670-04:002009-08-01T02:03:38.670-04:00I loved the voice of this. I thought the query wen...I loved the voice of this. I thought the query went on a bit long. Maybe cut down on the second half?<br /><br />Read and adored your snippet.brimfirehttp://brimfire.livejournal.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89195233214706907302009-07-31T22:32:25.166-04:002009-07-31T22:32:25.166-04:00It looks like you have some really neat ideas in h...It looks like you have some really neat ideas in here, but to be honest, I had some trouble keeping up. Less plot and more story. <br /><br />What I mean by that is don't focus on what happens, focus on the characters and their problems. Don't worry about mentioning all of them. The ultimate problem seems to be the king wannabe causing the twins to turn into strangers. Focus on that. (Or whatever you think is appropriate, so long as it's focused.)<br /><br />The beginning of the sample page was cute, but it didn't keep me engaged. I'd give it a bit longer and see if it started taking off soon.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65364650429500646772009-07-31T21:49:37.581-04:002009-07-31T21:49:37.581-04:00I absolutely loved the first couple paragraphs. Bu...I absolutely loved the first couple paragraphs. But then you lost me. I would cut this down quite a lot. You don't need so many details. And I would like a clearer idea of who the villain is. Telling me he's a "maniac king wannabe" doesn't help me too much. Which part is the wannabe? The maniac part or the king part? Could you hyphenate it to make it clearer? "maniac king-wannabe"? I think if you clarify that, and just say what the stakes are for the kids and leave it at that, you'll have a much stronger query.<br /><br />Also, I had a question that I felt should be answered in the query: Why do they only have seven days to get back?<br /><br />I hope this helps. This sounds like a great premise. Good luck!A.L. Sonnichsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57576167310785644622009-07-31T10:23:20.306-04:002009-07-31T10:23:20.306-04:00I was hooked by the first paragraph but lost inter...I was hooked by the first paragraph but lost interest as you threw everything at me in the query. Try to find that balance between giving enough to entice but holding back from spilling everything out. <br /><br />And of course that's just my opinion :0)Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62401732728759885802009-07-30T21:04:51.891-04:002009-07-30T21:04:51.891-04:00I was so hooked by the query and then you gave us ...I was so hooked by the query and then you gave us way too much world building and no hook in the very beginning.Riehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10129030349778144807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40691041049378000042009-07-30T17:58:01.474-04:002009-07-30T17:58:01.474-04:00The query is way too long and if you scan it, the ...The query is way too long and if you scan it, the big blocks of text indicate it's going to be a cumbersome read. Luckily the first paragraph hooked me! I didn't even read the rest, but I suspect it's more of a synopsis than a blurb.<br /><br />The first page had the same issue. The first paragraph is one solid block without any breaks to create a natural ebb and flow to the pace. I read through it regardless and the content was engaging! I'd probably break it into a good four or five paragraphs. <br /><br />You'd be surprised how much of an impression a quick scan will create to the eye. The scan of a block of text like that makes me feel I'm going to be reading a technical manual and does your writing a disservice.Jeannie Linhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12714068387571203896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16688258833122552722009-07-30T00:37:55.920-04:002009-07-30T00:37:55.920-04:00I definitely thought the query went on a bit long....I definitely thought the query went on a bit long. I really enjoyed the character explanation in the first two paragraphs, especially the contrast between the two twins, but then I stopped reading about halfway through the third paragraph. Too many details for me. I think if you stop it right after "In fact, he'd like to rule their world, too," you'd have a nice little cliffhanger to move on with.<br /><br />But others may not agree.<br /><br />That is all.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7705848082740410212009-07-29T23:39:31.063-04:002009-07-29T23:39:31.063-04:00The query didn't grab me at all. There's ...The query didn't grab me at all. There's no connection between the first paragraph and the second. Then it goes on too long, adding more and more ideas but not showing how they all relate.<br /><br />I think you need to trim the query down to what is the most pressing dilemma facing your characters. And be aware that "portal" stories can sound really cliché: Oh, look, a convenient unexplained way to get to a new world! I would focus much less on the tunnel and much more on what they have to do when they get to the other side - and how it relates to the world they left behind.MsJudynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29321690696364098772009-07-29T21:53:39.683-04:002009-07-29T21:53:39.683-04:00For the query, I would take the first two and a ha...For the query, I would take the first two and a half paragraphs and boil them down into two paragraphs, with the first one focusing on their arrival at that other end of the tunnel, and the second on the dilemmas they face. <br /><br />The text itself is very good. Since this seems to be a fantasy, it's best to say that Alice "loved to flap her arms like wings." If you just say she flaps her wings, the reader can get the wrong impression of what she looks like, since you haven't established your universe yet. <br /><br />Mark in the Seattle areaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31588198332115460802009-07-29T20:41:19.328-04:002009-07-29T20:41:19.328-04:00Ha ha, Bron's suggestion where to start a new ...Ha ha, Bron's suggestion where to start a new paragraph is exactly what I originally had...but it got lost somehow. It's really not supposed to be a huge block of text. When I email writing, it always ends up looking weird! (the author)jams420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42893832344783524192009-07-29T18:08:13.475-04:002009-07-29T18:08:13.475-04:00I really like this, but is 74k a little long for M...I really like this, but is 74k a little long for MG? <br /><br />I think the query has excellent writing, but it also occurred to me that it was veering into synopsis territory. I'd cut the fourth paragraph. By this stage we know who the characters are and what the conflict is. I'd also cut the part about knowing where the tunnel leads. I also didn't get this.<br /><br />I loved your writing sample, but I think it needed some white space. Maybe 'On the morning of their eleventh birthday..' could be the start of a new paragraph?Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39080190795766601872009-07-29T15:07:44.777-04:002009-07-29T15:07:44.777-04:00I wasn't hooked. I thought the query rambled ...I wasn't hooked. I thought the query rambled a bit and read more like a synopsis than a query. I think the second and third paragraphs could be combined, especially if some of the excess detail is left out. In particular, the part about the wands and Sword and Pillar seem unnecessary. Those sentences don't advance the description of the plot.duwarrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01984057240748766051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25937365032291870072009-07-29T12:24:59.097-04:002009-07-29T12:24:59.097-04:00I'm hooked. The query went on a little too lon...I'm hooked. The query went on a little too long (more of a synopsis) but the plot and the voice intrigued me. And I wasn't let down with the 250 words. I'm definitely interested in reading more!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30090344748272843552009-07-29T12:19:54.818-04:002009-07-29T12:19:54.818-04:00The query was a little bit all over the place for ...The query was a little bit all over the place for me. I think it could use some tightening. I was still curious enough to read your first 250 words and I enjoyed them.Kate Karyus Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25720719530612059782009-07-29T12:06:20.762-04:002009-07-29T12:06:20.762-04:00Interesting concept and good query :)
Excerpt - h...Interesting concept and good query :)<br /><br />Excerpt - huge block of text and the writing could be tightenedJ.R. Johanssonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02671109654769467131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79358929421327108522009-07-29T12:00:20.743-04:002009-07-29T12:00:20.743-04:00Query: Hooked. heheh. Sounds like fun. :)
Snippet...Query: Hooked. heheh. Sounds like fun. :)<br /><br />Snippet: Not hooked, I'm sorry. Not just the huge block of text. It's just the telling about their secret makes them seem a little younger than 11. It would be stronger (at least in my mind, so grain of salt) if you started with them arguing over the secret.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53909136161088271612009-07-29T10:34:31.405-04:002009-07-29T10:34:31.405-04:00How does living on a tiny island = knowing where a...How does living on a tiny island = knowing where a tunnel goes?<br /><br />But cool stuff on the other side of the tunnel!<br /><br />You mention Alice's desire for a wand. Does this mean that she's a POV character? If so, indicate that sooner (I'd been assuming this was primarily Sam's story). <br /><br />I feel that the plot after going through the tunnel could be condensed more, but I am intrigued by the concept and would read more.<br /><br />...on to the pages...<br /><br />Good first line!<br /><br />Actually--good first page. I'd read more!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.com