tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2659345138128950790..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70230161579751852292014-03-08T14:41:54.620-05:002014-03-08T14:41:54.620-05:00I'm intrigued, but I'd love more of a hint...I'm intrigued, but I'd love more of a hint of the adventure to come.Great voice. I loved "isn't just present in the Burke family gene pool - it does laps."I also liked the nicknames for the aunt but was surprised the dad, who thought he should show some respect, would call her "Aunt Guts." Wouldn't he be correcting them instead? Fun start!Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15131999963255182952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25865686548702470092014-03-07T12:51:22.771-05:002014-03-07T12:51:22.771-05:00This story has a lot of potential to be a disaster...This story has a lot of potential to be a disaster for this poor kid. What kid would want to spend a summer with their old, smelly aunt on a farm with no internet? And of course, disasters like this can be MG reader gold. <br /><br />By the way: "She smells" - awesomely funny line!<br /><br />There could be a bit more tightening. There's no need to interrupt the conversations by telling the reader they're barreling down Interstate 15, for instance. Or saying things like "I continued my protest with a major point." Let the dialogue and interactions between Troy and his dad play out naturally.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think this is a strong opening. You've succeeded in establishing the character and his voice, the problem, and provided a lot of other good details on other character in the story in a short amount of space.<br /><br />Good luck!George Anthony Kulzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09838407573681387537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12599834313275385102014-03-06T21:23:15.309-05:002014-03-06T21:23:15.309-05:00I'd read more. I like his voice. You hooked me...I'd read more. I like his voice. You hooked me when he said, "She smells."Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23200479803806636692014-03-06T15:03:54.935-05:002014-03-06T15:03:54.935-05:00I like the voice. Not someone I would personally r...I like the voice. Not someone I would personally relate to, but a likable voice to listen to.<br /><br />The spacing was picking at me a bit. I think there were a bit too many one liner sentences. Examples, "I kicked the back of the passenger seat where my big sister Chloe sat", "I'd packed light", "As the Taurus barreled down Interstate 15..."and so on. Unless the sentences are singled out for dramatic effect, like say, the line "How couldn't he see that?" it feels like it breaks up the story too much, disrupting the flow.<br /><br />Otherwise, weird Aunts are a go. Usually that leads to something to pretty exciting. I think I'd read more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04798194712737818268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74000404077825721462014-03-05T22:55:26.348-05:002014-03-05T22:55:26.348-05:00Great voice and dialogue. I really care about the ...Great voice and dialogue. I really care about the protagonist. <br /><br />My suggestion: I think you can tighten up the pacing in the first page of your story by cutting some of the dialogue and the sentences that tell vs. show. <br /><br />For example, I'd lose dad saying:<br />“Aunt Guts . . . Aunt Gusty is not crazy. She’s . . . uh . . . unique.”<br /><br />Instead, Jump right to: <br />Dad’s eyes nailed mine in the rearview mirror. “Look, Troy,” he said, “We’re lucky to have her in the family.” [LOVE IT.]<br /><br />You might also consider deleting the line: <br />"How couldn’t he see that?" <br />We already know he couldn't see that.... <br /><br />Can't wait to read more.Rachelhttp://www.singlemomseeking.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20833618190038862322014-03-05T20:48:32.263-05:002014-03-05T20:48:32.263-05:00I like this! You might give a little more indicati...I like this! You might give a little more indication about Aunt Gutsy's :-) weirdness. I'd love to know a few things he packed after the line "I packed light."<br />Good luck!Linda Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15190696235353866242014-03-05T13:37:43.954-05:002014-03-05T13:37:43.954-05:00Okay, I love the nicknames Aunt Gutsy and Aunt Gus...Okay, I love the nicknames Aunt Gutsy and Aunt Gusty, but my first thought was that you had a typo. That might just be me, though, and I figured it out pretty quickly<br /><br />My biggest concern is that you have eyes nailing eyes. In one of my writing books, an editor devoted a section to the impossible (and painful) things that writers shouldn't do to eyeballs.<br /><br />I thought the interaction between Troy and his dad was believable, and I'm anticipating Chloe's reaction to it. I'd keep reading.Myrna Fosterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13534358757278599925noreply@blogger.com