tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2729740759178414993..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 50 Words #43Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66611110688278334012010-04-23T13:14:36.334-04:002010-04-23T13:14:36.334-04:00Really love the title. I think first person presen...Really love the title. I think first person present works great in YA - the Libba Bray trilogy used it to good effect. This feels like a very formal tone which reminds me of The Forest of Hands and Teeth right now. I'm interested to see where you'll go.Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30942372784560241112010-04-23T09:42:55.270-04:002010-04-23T09:42:55.270-04:00I don't automatically hate 1st person present ...I don't automatically hate 1st person present tense, but I haven't seen it before in historical fiction. I'd need to read more to be sure how I feel about it, but I would read more. I'm intrigued!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44276663068544426782010-04-23T03:30:28.173-04:002010-04-23T03:30:28.173-04:00Fairly hooked. I think present tense is a bad idea...Fairly hooked. I think present tense is a bad idea, though. Also, the voice sounds self-possessed and mature from those few sentences, which makes me wonder if we are really talking YA.Irishttp://www.irisharper.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9921855183913569042010-04-23T00:59:08.488-04:002010-04-23T00:59:08.488-04:00Present tense really bothers me, but it can be don...Present tense really bothers me, but it can be done well. "women who have come before me. . ." Sounds like women are lining up in front of the MC. Should it be "gone?"Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59774690933555099042010-04-23T00:31:32.457-04:002010-04-23T00:31:32.457-04:00The first sentence works better as two for me.
I&...The first sentence works better as two for me.<br /><br />I'm sort of hooked.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55878928828430186442010-04-22T23:15:54.812-04:002010-04-22T23:15:54.812-04:00Hooked, mostly. A nice image to start with, but I...Hooked, mostly. A nice image to start with, but I agree about the formality.<br /><br />Also, I would look at your use of passive voice. "I shatter the pottery jug" vs. "the pattery jug shatters" perhaps? More active = more engaging IMHO.JPhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03697400097845140664noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53195033154944901732010-04-22T19:55:04.304-04:002010-04-22T19:55:04.304-04:00I agree with Steve's "nit", and &quo...I agree with Steve's "nit", and "But it matters not" is jarringly formal, but otherwise, I loved it and would definitely read more.Amanda the Aspiringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10983953436816551075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46722897363170312352010-04-22T18:05:20.511-04:002010-04-22T18:05:20.511-04:00I'm really interested in this, but the formali...I'm really interested in this, but the formality of "it matters not" kind of threw me.Janehttp://www.simplemystery.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30905224100946349382010-04-22T17:37:57.519-04:002010-04-22T17:37:57.519-04:00I'd read on, but the language seems stilted. I...I'd read on, but the language seems stilted. I recognize that's intentional and is meant to imply the time period. However, if this is YA, then I assume the protagonist is a teenager, and I have trouble buying into a teen speaking with such rigid pomposity.jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85932921475660612252010-04-22T16:28:51.828-04:002010-04-22T16:28:51.828-04:00I agree with most of the other comments. Overall -...I agree with most of the other comments. Overall - mostly hooked.<br /><br />Love the title.TKAstlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15853167834460094772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39884307788114652982010-04-22T16:19:32.123-04:002010-04-22T16:19:32.123-04:00now, as much as I like the action and am hooked, t...now, as much as I like the action and am hooked, the opening sentence is waaaaay too wordy. Tighten it up a lot, make it REALLY strong. Then you'll gain more fans.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04081314889684032209noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32924810197561887772010-04-22T16:02:13.784-04:002010-04-22T16:02:13.784-04:00Your opening hooked me.
A few nitpicks:
The fi...Your opening hooked me. <br /><br />A few nitpicks: <br /><br />The first line is a run-on sentence. I would add a connecting word or two or break it into two sentences. <br /><br />"With that one defiant act I seal my fate." This is kind of an overused phrase. It would be okay buried in the story, but this is your opening. Can you say it in your own words? <br /><br />Good luck!H. Grantnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79423962569978464352010-04-22T14:55:29.269-04:002010-04-22T14:55:29.269-04:00I love it.I love it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86011159432860221912010-04-22T14:35:38.571-04:002010-04-22T14:35:38.571-04:00Hooked, hooked, hooked. I like present tense.Hooked, hooked, hooked. I like present tense.Jill Wheelerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15059527254551768150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25462201936595476832010-04-22T14:32:10.909-04:002010-04-22T14:32:10.909-04:00I'm not really into present tense, but the ima...I'm not really into present tense, but the image has me hooked.Jean Viola Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09411412962083731682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57627611997916958772010-04-22T14:06:47.496-04:002010-04-22T14:06:47.496-04:00I agree with Steve and think I'd read on a bit...I agree with Steve and think I'd read on a bit farther to see just why she's stuck in jail.Crystal R.http://crystalroget.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70577812738173213472010-04-22T13:28:28.180-04:002010-04-22T13:28:28.180-04:00Fairly well hooked, although I'm not a fan of ...Fairly well hooked, although I'm not a fan of present-tense, especially when coupled with first-person. One little nit: I would prefer "women who have gone before me"--at least, the context implies they're past-tense.Steve Hallhttp://kestrelsaerie.usnoreply@blogger.com