tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post275073511702558659..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Mysteries For Danielle Svetcov #19Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90561041431769246742012-04-20T23:18:03.931-04:002012-04-20T23:18:03.931-04:00You lost me at "The big sister’s auburn curls...You lost me at "The big sister’s auburn curls entwined with the younger sister’s ebony locks, much like their fingers were laced together." This sort of writing points at itself, and not in a good way. The language is working too hard. It's the wrong detail for the moment and it suggests to me: this writer isn't quite in control of what she's about to tell. Or it could be a pet peeve of mine and be quite fine for everyone else...Daniellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75966577566029390662012-04-20T17:50:36.305-04:002012-04-20T17:50:36.305-04:00I do like your premise, but the prologue part felt...I do like your premise, but the prologue part felt a little in need of buffing. Referencing the girls by "the younger one" and "the older sister" felt way too detached, so unless there's a really good reason for not using their names, maybe you should. Also, I was a little confused as to why the girls didn't know where they were--under a bed or in a closet. Are they lying down? Sitting up, standing? Tied together? A few more clues would help there. The hair color drop was a little awkward, especially considering the pitch-dark surrounding, but you pulled off enough tension to keep me interested.<br /><br />I would keep reading.Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03924194998560921694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44733936037660128702012-04-20T17:20:04.410-04:002012-04-20T17:20:04.410-04:00I agree with others that I'd like the logline ...I agree with others that I'd like the logline to actually tell me more about the story. The author needn't worry about giving too much away.<br /><br />The older sister seems to be the one holding it together. So, maybe a line about her losing grip might lead us more naturally into the scream. <br /><br />I do like books that hint at the awful that happened years ago and how it shapes the protag today. However, the depression line threw me off.<br /><br />Maybe something like, "As was true with others who suffered from depression..."<br /><br />I'd watch the use of "was" throughout. Could strengthen by using more active voice. <br /><br />Would like to read more.Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81521944818771121062012-04-20T14:31:31.309-04:002012-04-20T14:31:31.309-04:00I found the logline confusing, but it intrigued me...I found the logline confusing, but it intrigued me enough to read the excerpt, which is beautifully written. I agree about the scream coming out of nowhere, and the last paragraph was disjointed. Easy fixes.<br /><br />Good luck!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75556413399611157742012-04-20T10:27:56.579-04:002012-04-20T10:27:56.579-04:00For the logline, I have no idea what's going o...For the logline, I have no idea what's going on. It's nicely written and mysterious, but I have no idea what this story is going to be about... except that Athena disappears and to find her, Ro must risk her sanity by remembering? There's not enough here to help me connect Ro's sanity, Athena's disappearance, and the blocked out memory together.<br /><br />"Finally, the older sister screamed" seemed random. There has to be something that causes it and that part needs to be included. <br /><br />The only thing in the narrative that caught me off guard was the beginning of the last paragraph--any person suffering from ... would understand. Which means, I don't understand, so I'd actually like some sort of indication about why she feels the need to be good. But she knows no one else... except she does know her sister... so that seemed like strange phrasing. <br /><br />The revelation of the murder was interesting.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83670480180226927672012-04-20T10:22:57.110-04:002012-04-20T10:22:57.110-04:00Love the title, and the logline works great.
I ag...Love the title, and the logline works great.<br /><br />I agree with the first comment above, the line about the older sister screaming had no lead up to it, and jarred me out of the story.<br /><br />Really liked this and would read on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03472454075929924385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78014333740960693682012-04-19T14:20:08.775-04:002012-04-19T14:20:08.775-04:00Logline: It sounds like this book begins with Athe...Logline: It sounds like this book begins with Athena disappearing which makes the main character Ro. If so, concentrate on her goal (finding her sister) and her obstacles (remembering her past? possibly some tangible ones too?)<br /><br />Good luck!Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64367938191796760602012-04-19T13:43:22.176-04:002012-04-19T13:43:22.176-04:00I like this and would read on.
he only lined tha...I like this and would read on. <br /><br />he only lined that tripped me up was 'Finally the older sister screamed.' <br /><br />It kind of comes out of nowhere. They're there being quiet, and then she screams. <br /><br />Maybe move that to a paragraph of its own for pacing and impact.Feaky Snuckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17481513779668517971noreply@blogger.com