tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2755723603642252860..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 45 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33021305963108921962009-08-21T21:26:46.668-04:002009-08-21T21:26:46.668-04:00I agree with the others--it could be tightened sig...I agree with the others--it could be tightened significantly.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52649861996650372192009-08-21T14:26:39.058-04:002009-08-21T14:26:39.058-04:00I obviously missed the overstep on length with thi...I obviously missed the overstep on length with this submission; the fault is ultimately mine. The author made a cut-and-paste error and it was not her intention to flout the rules.<br /><br />In future, please email me privately if any of you notice an egregious rule breakage going on. I am always open to fixing things and admitting my errors! Honestly; I'm not THAT mean. =PAuthoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84812143078243220242009-08-21T14:14:47.451-04:002009-08-21T14:14:47.451-04:00So this is long. And pretty boring until the last ...So this is long. And pretty boring until the last few sentences. The Secret Agent, I noticed, didn't even make it that far. Maybe you could give us a taste of the paranormal element in the first one or two paragraphs, because otherwise this is just a business meeting.<br /><br />Speaking of the paranormal element, it sounds like we've got a vampire here. Unless your vampires are especially different (and unless you effectively communicate that point), I probably wouldn't read much further, anyway.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42222559374202252592009-08-20T16:38:19.185-04:002009-08-20T16:38:19.185-04:00I thought there were significant problems with poi...I thought there were significant problems with point of view and overwriting, and skimmed after "call to Tokyo," mostly because I lost interest and partly because I sensed the submission was long. My biggest problem was that I didn't get a good sense of the protagonist's voice/p.o.v.<br /><br />There are also too many small details in the first two paragraphs. I'm a big believer in Strunk and White's number one rule: "omit needless words." For example, in the first sentence of the second paragraph, "hesitated" and "clearing his throat" seem to have the same purpose.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10533397100674603632009-08-20T11:33:57.584-04:002009-08-20T11:33:57.584-04:00I wasn't hooked, sorry. Maybe because it opens...I wasn't hooked, sorry. Maybe because it opens with a business meeting. I'd prefer something juicier for paranormal romance.bubblesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57586963877261402842009-08-19T20:23:04.708-04:002009-08-19T20:23:04.708-04:00I'm going to come down as 'not hooked'...I'm going to come down as 'not hooked' simply on the basis of the 250 word limit. Bless the authoress' heart, but pushing that limit is unfair to her and her rules of engagement and to other entrants.Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23250349593337242992009-08-19T19:21:11.996-04:002009-08-19T19:21:11.996-04:00This guy is definitely a vamp and he feeds on his ...This guy is definitely a vamp and he feeds on his secretaries. Which reminds me a little bit of a manga with the same plot. <br /><br />I'm not entirely hooked, but likely because this isn't my thing. <br /><br />The writing seems fine. The pov was obviously Sydney's the entire time....Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42288524796212906762009-08-19T19:17:52.163-04:002009-08-19T19:17:52.163-04:00350 words by my count.350 words by my count.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89881733117059561282009-08-19T18:50:40.052-04:002009-08-19T18:50:40.052-04:00A cluess humann not understanding why a vampire wa...A cluess humann not understanding why a vampire wants a dance company full of sweet young things? Smartly ironic. I like it and would definitely read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10211097951132357292009-08-19T18:23:36.207-04:002009-08-19T18:23:36.207-04:00Hey! I remember this from QT! Okay I'm cheatin...Hey! I remember this from QT! Okay I'm cheating a bit since I read your query, but unless Rebecca's super-duper important I think I'd cut her out until a few pages in to hook the reader with the ballerina situation more. Other than that...what the other guys said.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26165234633465118912009-08-19T18:12:49.430-04:002009-08-19T18:12:49.430-04:00I liked this, despite the fact that it did take me...I liked this, despite the fact that it did take me a bit to figure out the POV. One thing - "conference call to Tokyo" sounds generic and made up to me. When my boss wants a call, it's with a company or a person, not with a city, KWIM? Half the time he doesn't even know what city the other end is in. And reads as a very formal office where the assistants call the execs by Mr. - just my secretarial opinions :)Lucy Woodhullhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10772331811727392601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20399878578332743802009-08-19T17:23:18.943-04:002009-08-19T17:23:18.943-04:00Am I hooked? Yes. I'm intrigued about the re...Am I hooked? Yes. I'm intrigued about the relationship between Sidney and Rebecca. Definitely intrigued by the references to the ballerina and the dance company.<br /><br />Didn't notice it was long, but I can understand why you posted over. Otherwise, we wouldn't have known about the little ballerina. <br /><br />My advice? Tighten it up.VBhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15725129964510263702009-08-19T16:42:21.800-04:002009-08-19T16:42:21.800-04:00"...began to pick at a tiny piece of lint.&qu..."...began to pick at a tiny piece of lint." <br /><br />I would jusy say '"picked" and drop the "began to pick." You can't do a lot of picking with a speck of lint.<br /><br />"Grant hesitated a second before clearing his throat and continuing."<br /><br />I would just say, "Grant cleared his throat." OR "Grant hesitated." They both convey about the same thing, so there is no need to say it twice.<br /><br />Perfume that "lingered in the air" is a cliche. Can you say it another way?<br /><br />I agree with the last comment about lawyers and meetings. Once upon a time I worked in a law firm (UGH), and if the clock said it was time for a big meeting with 12 people, I certainly would have walked in, probably with a light tap on the door. I wouldn't change what you wrote.Callienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76910049270274738462009-08-19T16:20:23.045-04:002009-08-19T16:20:23.045-04:00I thought this seemed long and it is. It's act...I thought this seemed long and it is. It's actually 356 words not the 250 allowed.<br /><br />Sorry - just think it's important to note for those that followed the rules.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66565747954117271522009-08-19T15:40:46.070-04:002009-08-19T15:40:46.070-04:00Actually, I kind of liked the voice here. I knew w...Actually, I kind of liked the voice here. I knew we were in Sidney's head (right?), though there was a moment where I worried I was looking at this from the wrong person's perspective. It's the line where it says, "One stood at the door, waiting for Sidney to acknowledge her." The only way we know what she's waiting for is if we're in HER head, which we're clearly not. You could clear up all the confusion by saying, "One stood at the door, waiting." And in the next line, where you have "he asked," just say Sidney asked.<br /><br />I am a secretary in the financial industry, and I set up for meetings like this all the time. If I knew my boss was okay with it, I'd work around a meeting. It depends on the circumstances of who he was meeting with, and why. In no way would I stop reading here because of that.<br /><br />I also think you're allowed a bit of liberty with a paranormal romance. Keeping secretaries in bland skirts with frumpy hair and equal rights just isn't sexy (come on, it's not). I think you're okay with how that's written.<br /><br />I dunno, I liked it a good deal. Rutherford sounds sexy. I say, bring on the next page. (But for sure fix the POV issue.)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09215557278096889044noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22471632041056785572009-08-19T14:53:20.920-04:002009-08-19T14:53:20.920-04:00You need to make it clear whose viewpoint we'r...You need to make it clear whose viewpoint we're in ASAP. I had to read most of this before I realized we were in Grant's head. <br /><br />"Is that the final offer?" is confusing and a weak way to start a story off. And the person buying makes the offer, not the person selling.<br /><br />In a law office, no secretaries would walk into a private professional conversation like this. It would be unprofessional.<br /><br />As this stands, I can't see any reason why someone would keep reading. Someone is buying a dance company for some girl, and the lawyer is a vampire, and we should care why?Marilynn Byerlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16720129999636676998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27066203163407760042009-08-19T14:02:28.606-04:002009-08-19T14:02:28.606-04:00Well written with good imagery! I would definitel...Well written with good imagery! I would definitely read on although Mr. Rutherford so far seems a bit of a cad. Good job!Elizabethnoreply@blogger.com