tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2772395903866795699..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent Contest #39Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22325613523007429492018-03-09T15:46:13.417-05:002018-03-09T15:46:13.417-05:00There’s a switch that happens between the protagon...There’s a switch that happens between the protagonist being pissed at his mom and the “smug asshole” she brought with her to discussing the artistry that is soccer, I wonder if we need a stronger transition, something to keep the reader hooked to the character, even if it’s as simple as “I don’t have time to think about though because…”. Otherwise I’m definitely intrigued by your protagonist and the way they talk about soccer, lovely writing. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49269853044379892882018-03-08T21:18:32.751-05:002018-03-08T21:18:32.751-05:00The first line is great, and I liked the first par...The first line is great, and I liked the first paragraph. The line about 'it's their fault' was unclear and it's only now I'm realizing you meant the errant parent. On first read through the thought you meant the sitter who got skied. (I'm not even sure if the sitter is a person?) The paragraph with the soccer action is confusing and disjointed, and this might be stronger if you cut it.<br />I do like the third paragraph, about the artistry of soccer, that is a neat way to describe it!WorkingTitlenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44302326152329576412018-03-08T12:15:46.168-05:002018-03-08T12:15:46.168-05:00I love the in-game beginning, with the action, but...I love the in-game beginning, with the action, but I felt disjointed reading it. The first paragraph is about how the sight of a guy whom the mc's mom had brought to the game is distracting the mc then dives right into the game (although with great jargon), but then goes into a musing over athletes as artists. I think you need to connect these three paragraphs better, so your opening flows. I also think you need more of a hook to keep reading on: what is it about this man the mc's mom brought to the game that is so bad? Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70877647460819795242018-03-08T12:08:46.620-05:002018-03-08T12:08:46.620-05:00You've got some wonderful soccer details here,...You've got some wonderful soccer details here, and I love promise of a sport-art connection. I'll keep reading to see how that pans out. There is something missing, though, namely a sense about the Big Picture problem and how the mother/asshole come into play. I think you need to condense or save-for-later some of the lovely soccer/art text to make room for setting the stage for the Big Event of the story. NoodleSoupnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40514578158049747262018-03-08T11:44:22.668-05:002018-03-08T11:44:22.668-05:00I agree with Suja. There's a definite disconne...I agree with Suja. There's a definite disconnect between the first part (about the man) and part about the game. I also think the intro would be stronger if you gave a name instead of just saying 'him'. The soccer description is nice, but give us some more internal thought (especially about this man) in between. This will help us to better connect to the main character. Best of luck to you!cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-456630788197397942018-03-07T19:40:21.821-05:002018-03-07T19:40:21.821-05:00I love how you describe the art of soccer here. It...I love how you describe the art of soccer here. It's beautifully written. But i feel a sort of disconnect between the beginning of the segment and the rest. You started off with the MC's parents, but that drops off. It feels like the MC forgot them. There were also several names mentioned, and this can get tricky and confusing in the first 250. I suggest keeping some of those names for later. Nice writing. Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.com