tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2796964822010243861..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: October Secret Agent #23Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3955608595597957222011-10-23T19:12:36.980-04:002011-10-23T19:12:36.980-04:00I like the set-up of the scene; helping a friend d...I like the set-up of the scene; helping a friend do “homework” but in a life-threatening way. However, for me this isn’t quite working line-by-line. Some of the phrasing is confusing and gets in the way of the flow of reading.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8813389384277098902011-10-20T19:08:48.736-04:002011-10-20T19:08:48.736-04:00Thank you all for your kind words and great sugges...Thank you all for your kind words and great suggestions. I'm revising like mad. I just wish I'd waited until today to submit for the Baker's Dozen so I could have included what I learned from you. Aargh! The agony of hindsight!Author of #23noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23445001064660613072011-10-20T18:08:03.577-04:002011-10-20T18:08:03.577-04:00This is intriguing and I'd keep reading: I did...This is intriguing and I'd keep reading: I did have the same problem of confusion (had to read it twice also to make sure I knew what was happening)....and I thought Barbara had an elegant solution, keeping the action going, then reflection after; otherwise the reader gets lost in space.Mary Trimblehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03796288505855238303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7987192125450689792011-10-19T18:59:55.370-04:002011-10-19T18:59:55.370-04:00I liked this, but I did think you could do without...I liked this, but I did think you could do without the explanation in the middle. It's clearly there for the reader. Once Georgia falls and bangs her hip, the story stops. Both girls are lying on the floor, waiting patiently for Georgia to explain. Four pargs later, Georgia finishes and Maisie springs from the floor and charges the door. This should have happened moments after they crashed to the floor.<br /><br />Perhaps rewrite the scene so that the explanation comes after Maisie calms down. As they're sitting there tring to catch their breath, Georgia can think about all the stuff you now have in the middle or better yet, she and Maisie can have a conversation about it. Keep the action scene an action scene from start to finish.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54858036704381398862011-10-19T16:43:41.953-04:002011-10-19T16:43:41.953-04:00I like being dropped into the middle of a scene li...I like being dropped into the middle of a scene like this. Great stuff. I don't care to know all the answers in the first page. I don't even care where they are at the moment; the point is that something interesting is happening, which is all I really want. <br /><br />I'm hooked :)Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02046492434737362097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70663209012475626932011-10-19T15:36:09.939-04:002011-10-19T15:36:09.939-04:00Because of the title and 'come up' I thoug...Because of the title and 'come up' I thought they were trying to fly. I really like that you started with action and gave us Georgia's feelings. The spellwright paragraph explained what was going on but it felt a bit like an info dump. Could it be incorporated into dialog, maybe?<br /><br />I'm intrigued by this, though, and would definitely read on.Plumbagonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67254608893418409852011-10-19T15:08:20.265-04:002011-10-19T15:08:20.265-04:00Interesting idea here. But I would like to know wh...Interesting idea here. But I would like to know where Maisie is thrashing from side to side...a bit more scene setting woudl do this well. I think.Teehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18277378168473581160noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72139842763168992442011-10-19T14:53:35.294-04:002011-10-19T14:53:35.294-04:00I had the same problem as Abby. The concept is coo...I had the same problem as Abby. The concept is cool, the writing is strong and I like the characters, but I was confused. <br /><br />I think I felt this way because the story started in the middle of action without context. A couple of paragraphs that set the scene would have helped me.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-548386768060273632011-10-19T12:47:51.494-04:002011-10-19T12:47:51.494-04:00I had to read it twice to understand what was happ...I had to read it twice to understand what was happening, but that could just be me. Now that I get it, though, I'm hooked. Sounds like a cool concept. I'd keep reading to see where you go with it. <br /><br />One thing--I think the title combined with "Come up!" in the first bit of dialogue is what caused my confusion. I thought the two were related but after reading through they obviously aren't. Maybe considering tweaking the dialogue for clarity? Just a suggestion. :)Abby Annishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05543937393055900844noreply@blogger.com