tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post290498076483644668..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 42 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2728870294875358202008-10-19T17:09:00.000-04:002008-10-19T17:09:00.000-04:00Loved the first line, and the title, so yes!I don'...Loved the first line, and the title, so yes!<BR/><BR/>I don't think you need all the ellipses and there seems to be a random double quotes in there, but overall, I like it, the voice is good and amusing, so I would read on. :)<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76407253417601634212008-10-19T16:56:00.000-04:002008-10-19T16:56:00.000-04:00The opening line is awesome. I have to agree with ...The opening line is awesome. I have to agree with dj in that you could refocus the piece to make it move forward that much faster. Maybe move it back a minute or so with the slamming/locking of the door. The character spinning around and realizing that the MC is on the wrong side of the mall.<BR/><BR/>Let the situation explain itself or come in later.Justin D Herdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01126888256820268123noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60116200034469333002008-10-19T00:49:00.000-04:002008-10-19T00:49:00.000-04:00I just came back to say that this is my favorite e...I just came back to say that this is my favorite entry overall (I haven't read them all, but I have read most). Something about the voice really stuck with me, and this one is memorable after reading it a few days ago.<BR/><BR/>Even if you don't happen to be the agent's pick, you are mine :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17191028925960866312008-10-17T10:54:00.000-04:002008-10-17T10:54:00.000-04:00Love the voice. Love the opening. I'm not sure whe...Love the voice. Love the opening. I'm not sure where you're going but I'll keep reading because I connect with the character.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14088953866352014212008-10-16T23:45:00.000-04:002008-10-16T23:45:00.000-04:00I think you've captured the teen angsty stuff well...I think you've captured the teen angsty stuff well. The mall and a toaster would be a big deal to a teen. I love your title.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49173574709420864032008-10-16T21:54:00.000-04:002008-10-16T21:54:00.000-04:00I like the voice, and I love the line about cleani...I like the voice, and I love the line about cleaning up after the dog.<BR/><BR/>The thing I have a problem with is that your MC is outside the mall doors, but you immediately slip into backstory about what had just happened. I'd rather go on to find out what is happening and why I should care about that.<BR/><BR/>But that's picky. I like your style and I'd read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12052144722146533022008-10-16T21:13:00.000-04:002008-10-16T21:13:00.000-04:00Yes, you're voice and humor is fun enough I'd keep...Yes, you're voice and humor is fun enough I'd keep reading for at least one more page. But I'd sure want to know something was going to happen soon other than unlocking the car and driving away. . . .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16854331858774455962008-10-16T20:36:00.000-04:002008-10-16T20:36:00.000-04:00I would read this based on the opening line and I ...I would read this based on the opening line and <I>I ended up with a toaster, but not just any toaster. It could toast four bagels at once, calculate long division, and clean up after the dog</I> alone. LOVED the voice and the set up, and I want to know where this is leading.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4417219915930945482008-10-16T20:19:00.000-04:002008-10-16T20:19:00.000-04:00Fun voice, but I'm not sure talking about a toaste...Fun voice, but I'm not sure talking about a toaster for a page hooks me. Just from this, I'm not captivated. If I knew more about the plot, I might read further.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51185459189363069662008-10-16T20:14:00.000-04:002008-10-16T20:14:00.000-04:00Hehe, I like this.Hehe, I like this.Amy Laurenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16782528327499574711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71294546033553630462008-10-16T19:44:00.000-04:002008-10-16T19:44:00.000-04:00Loved the first part of this. I think you lost the...Loved the first part of this. I think you lost the tension in the last paragraph or so, but I'd read on because I assume something bad is about to happen?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52282245007919395052008-10-16T18:04:00.000-04:002008-10-16T18:04:00.000-04:00The opening line is dynamite, but the rest of the ...The opening line is dynamite, but the rest of the piece fell apart pretty quickly, I thought. There are some punctuation and grammar errors (including a run-on sentence), and those just turn me off immediately. on the positive side, I liked the character's emerging personality. :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40100124469922520552008-10-16T16:42:00.000-04:002008-10-16T16:42:00.000-04:00I feel you are trying too hard on this one. Let us...I feel you are trying too hard on this one. Let us see what is the toaster's fault sooner . . .<BR/><BR/>Where's the tension here, too? I'm not feeling it.<BR/><BR/>I do like your voice, though. You have a good start.Michelle D. Argylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696465137285587646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2777390949013587082008-10-16T15:35:00.000-04:002008-10-16T15:35:00.000-04:00I hate to be the rain on the parade on this one, b...I hate to be the rain on the parade on this one, but I feel it needs a lot of work. I wasn't immediately intrigued by the scenario, and I don't think the stakes for having to walk around the mall parking lot are particularly high. I also did not fall in love with the voice; it seemed a bit too contrived to me. But, on that note, voice is one of those characteristics of writing that is truly subjective, and just a matter of taste.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72683761675291308402008-10-16T12:17:00.000-04:002008-10-16T12:17:00.000-04:00I'm hooked. Very engaging. Immediately liked the...I'm hooked. Very engaging. Immediately liked the character. The first line is a hoot!Mary Lindsey / Marissa Clarkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03593619747956026747noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23032985750226094552008-10-16T11:38:00.000-04:002008-10-16T11:38:00.000-04:00Great opening, loved the first line! I would defin...Great opening, loved the first line! I would definitely turn the pageMichelle McLeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08730366330276974943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20099996009041625772008-10-16T11:22:00.000-04:002008-10-16T11:22:00.000-04:00I like this. The only part that popped for me was ...I like this. The only part that popped for me was "calculate long division and clean up after the dog" because coming after "could toast four bagels at once" it almost feels like you mean this. Maybe some qualifier like "practically" would help. Otherwise, though, very nice. I would continue reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39296903209936898202008-10-16T11:11:00.000-04:002008-10-16T11:11:00.000-04:00LOL! Love the voice. But what was the toaster's f...LOL! Love the voice. But what was the toaster's fault? So far it's the mother's fault that she's there. I want the toaster to be a problem (as the great first line suggests)so I hope it is. MerlinianaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81700496211684520542008-10-16T10:56:00.000-04:002008-10-16T10:56:00.000-04:00I love the first line, I like the voice, and I'm i...I love the first line, I like the voice, and I'm interested in the story. But it doesn't feel quite young enough to be YA, though I'm the wrong side of thirty, so maybe I just don't know what young sounds like anymore. Also, I feel like I'm still waiting to figure out what is the toaster's fault. Is there any way we could get to that sooner?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23844620310840540472008-10-16T10:38:00.000-04:002008-10-16T10:38:00.000-04:00I think the voice is spot on, and I'd read on, ass...I think the voice is spot on, and I'd read on, assuming that something is going to happen between the wrong side of the mall and the toaster-bearing protag's car. ;) Good job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82396085092490280902008-10-16T10:16:00.000-04:002008-10-16T10:16:00.000-04:00Great opening. And, the voice of a genuine teenage...Great opening. And, the voice of a genuine teenage drama queen.Matt Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08110634096759152821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58648386410542469752008-10-16T09:46:00.000-04:002008-10-16T09:46:00.000-04:00The opening line is great, but I feel as though th...The opening line is great, but I feel as though the rest was a bit over-dramatic for someone just being on the wrong side of the mall. I would probably keep reading for a little while because your voice is entertaining.sraaschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02960364630183418763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57023057919799230692008-10-16T09:38:00.000-04:002008-10-16T09:38:00.000-04:00Love the voice and the opening line. :)Love the voice and the opening line. :)H. L. Dyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11054946734073372817noreply@blogger.com