tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2930550142657675939..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Secret Agent #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68810483355622069972020-04-18T14:51:32.495-04:002020-04-18T14:51:32.495-04:00The details here are rich, but there are quite a f...The details here are rich, but there are quite a few. I’d recommend simplifying. Several well-placed details can be just as strong, if not stronger, and not interrupt the overall flow of the piece. This opening does a good job of pulling the reader in and raising questions, but I also felt that a few things still needed to be explained. I wasn’t sure if there was a literal demon burning in the garbage or rather that was just a description of the dumpster, what the MC’s previous job was if Jeff was his/her ex-boss (and why he would be there then), and who Mr. Soren is. There seemed to be a few key pieces of information that were missing that would tie everything together. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19604341962327787902020-04-17T21:57:40.802-04:002020-04-17T21:57:40.802-04:00That opening line is outstanding and the imagery i...That opening line is outstanding and the imagery is really good. You throw a lot at us in a short space, so it gets a little confusing to try and straighten it out, but that doesn't make me not want to read more. John Zeleznikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10301257444191880316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44284383108145328102020-04-17T16:47:52.911-04:002020-04-17T16:47:52.911-04:00Wow, your attention to detail is really good. I es...Wow, your attention to detail is really good. I especially love the description of the garbage fire.<br /><br />I don't have much to say except that the mention of a Mr. Soren threw me off because I don't know who that is (a customer from the job he just left?). But maybe your story gets into that later. <br /><br />I really like this! Good luck! Shanika L. Bynumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18212374073199005198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24910641023641378052020-04-16T10:31:07.071-04:002020-04-16T10:31:07.071-04:00A couple of things:
-It's odd to start this in...A couple of things:<br />-It's odd to start this in past and then jump forward immediately. It's also telling an emotion which would be much better shown with a satisfying smile or something like that.<br />-I was thrown off by the comment about Jeff's pallor making his polo shirt look white. If he is paler than usual, why would that make his shirt look more white? I know this is a tiny thing but it stopped me from reading and you don't want to do that.<br />-Unless this is from the POV of your antagonist, I don't think you should be showing smoking in such a positive light, especially in YA.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75730925415745923702020-04-15T15:02:11.000-04:002020-04-15T15:02:11.000-04:00I do wish to know more about the protagonist, espe...I do wish to know more about the protagonist, especially his age. At first I thought he was a teen (by default, due to the genre being YA), but he does seem significantly older.<br /><br />The first paragraph appears to contain supernatural elements (is the dumpster alive?), but perhaps that's just me taking metaphorical language too literally. Not sure if the ambiguity is intentional.<br /><br />I really like the characters. You've established 2 distinct personalities in a very short passage, and I've got a solid feel for both of them.SwyftSeptettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02524855893952694549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27827664928402975832020-04-15T14:43:52.053-04:002020-04-15T14:43:52.053-04:00You have a great voice here-- the narrator feels v...You have a great voice here-- the narrator feels very real and I et a strong sense of personality. I also like how you weave in details smoothly-- how Jeff is the "ex-boss," for example. A lot happens and is hinted at here and I want to know why the narrator quit and why he (or she) started the fire in the dumpster-- and what will happen next. I am doubly curious because of the "dark fantasy" label-- I want to see hints of the fantasy element soon. Nice opening.Patti Kurtzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09659519121533107736noreply@blogger.com