tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2966864226130480098..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent Contest #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43146267099086690952010-04-16T12:45:22.397-04:002010-04-16T12:45:22.397-04:00I agree with the above comments- too much backstor...I agree with the above comments- too much backstory in the beginning. Can you start the story with Alain opening the door? That seems to be where the action and intrigue starts.KaraLeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05037958842051839383noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6681180828617991532010-04-16T11:50:43.521-04:002010-04-16T11:50:43.521-04:00I remember this from September's contest. Stil...I remember this from September's contest. Still has a nice voice and a nice flow. This time, I'm not as wild about it as I was before. It's probably one of those things that will be a matter of finding just the right agent.<br /><br />Or you could play around with some of the suggestions people have offered and see if you can come up with a more action-oriented opening. What's the worst that could happen? You decide you don't like it and go back to this one? But it might be worth trying.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1173815312785549202010-04-16T11:38:09.073-04:002010-04-16T11:38:09.073-04:00This feels like the beginning of a very old-fashio...This feels like the beginning of a very old-fashioned sort of fairy tale. Which there is nothing wrong with, if that is what it is supposed to be... but is it? <br /><br />I agree with the others who think the story starts with the knock.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85012228882921567312010-04-16T10:04:45.619-04:002010-04-16T10:04:45.619-04:00As others have already said, too much telling! St...As others have already said, too much telling! Start the story where it starts. Then once the reader cares about the character, provide necessary back story.doodlewithmenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9918345466664775702010-04-14T19:47:37.332-04:002010-04-14T19:47:37.332-04:00Too much telling!
I'd start with
All of Alain...Too much telling!<br /><br />I'd start with<br /><i>All of Alain's plans meant nothing after the knock at the door.</i><br /><br />Then I'd be hooked!Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44034518162922281802010-04-14T19:12:11.073-04:002010-04-14T19:12:11.073-04:00I appreciate knowing all about this family and the...I appreciate knowing all about this family and their dynamics, but I think it would best be saved for a later chapter. The story really begins seventeen days before Alain's departure to the University. THAT is where your first page should begin. The backstory, while very interesting, needs to be weaved in later on. With YA, we need a character, a reason to care about that character, and a problem almost immediately.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81491931603158316942010-04-14T18:28:00.792-04:002010-04-14T18:28:00.792-04:00It was too much explaining for me. Perhaps put yo...It was too much explaining for me. Perhaps put your characters in a situation that shows us everything you've explained. It does seem the story starts in the last paragraph.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69956776005644305832010-04-14T17:20:52.454-04:002010-04-14T17:20:52.454-04:00Suggest you sprinkle this back story amidst the ac...Suggest you sprinkle this back story amidst the action and dialogue. Keep working at it!YA writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83005002274466648142010-04-14T17:12:23.592-04:002010-04-14T17:12:23.592-04:00I love the first line, but then I get bogged down ...I love the first line, but then I get bogged down a little. Alternating short sentences with long sentences would increase the readability. The second sentence of the second paragraph is 53 words long! I probably would not keep reading. Sorry.:)PaulaKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85192968677741716472010-04-14T16:22:51.961-04:002010-04-14T16:22:51.961-04:00This is written in a very "old-fashioned"...This is written in a very "old-fashioned" voice--pretty removed, somewhat omniscient--and I actually kind of like it, despite the excerpt being heavy on exposition and very, very light on action. It seems polished, and I'm intrigued by the "Young adult/romance/fantasy" label.<br /><br />Still, I wanted to see who our central character was going to be, and I do think you need more action/conflict right off the bat; the rest of this can wait.ckathttp://www.kathleenbasi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26385467459029620912010-04-14T14:33:59.275-04:002010-04-14T14:33:59.275-04:00Not hooked, sorry. Too much backstory and descript...Not hooked, sorry. Too much backstory and description.Elizabeth Janettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09126364534598960883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85006403714538567532010-04-14T09:25:10.309-04:002010-04-14T09:25:10.309-04:00Hi!
To me, the 1st three paragraphs were backstor...Hi!<br /><br />To me, the 1st three paragraphs were backstory, so I'd consider starting the story where the action starts. I have a feeling it starts right at the end there, so I'd start with the last paragraph and cut the first three.Hhookhttp://www.hollyannehook.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com