tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3038753605095246586..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #25Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50240318707078108422011-09-24T08:16:09.518-04:002011-09-24T08:16:09.518-04:00It's a good beginning in that you've immed...It's a good beginning in that you've immediately presented us with a problem (missing brother), action (searching) and a hint of what is to come in the rest of the book (MC has been electrocuted). But I couldn't get past wondering how Mira got into this room in the first place. It seems such a dangerous environment to let a teenager go into alone, and I doubt she'd be able to sneak in there unguarded. So my attention was caught by this issue, not the story. I almost feel you need to back it up a bit and start earlier so we can learn why Mira thinks Jake will be here, and how she got in herself.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20893622711667011752011-09-23T18:49:45.798-04:002011-09-23T18:49:45.798-04:00I like this, the writing's good and it's e...I like this, the writing's good and it's exciting. I'd definitely read on.<br /><br />Having said that, I feel like I've been thrown into this scene too early. I'd like just a little more build-up to find out who she and her brother are and what's going on, because then I think it'd be even more exciting as we'd be rooting her on more. <br /><br />Good luck!Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20516531880593611422011-09-22T14:34:58.175-04:002011-09-22T14:34:58.175-04:00I thought you had a great premise here, and an ori...I thought you had a great premise here, and an original one. ANd that pulled me in. I also got a great sense of what that room was like with all the electricity crackling. Loved the notebook falling through the grating.<br /><br />You might expand on her search. It seems she glances around the room and that's it. ANd perhaps get inside her head a bit. WHat is she thinking? And what is her reaction at the end when the eletricity zaps her?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84718188461417830062011-09-22T14:23:10.490-04:002011-09-22T14:23:10.490-04:00I should be feeling more urgency here than I am, a...I should be feeling more urgency here than I am, although I'm not quite sure what the problem is. It's a strong premise but I'm not getting a strong enough sense of character so that I really care about her or her search.<br /><br />Writing is solid so maybe work on voice and characterization.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4571528730970180822011-09-22T12:02:53.796-04:002011-09-22T12:02:53.796-04:00Oops, when I said "he" I meant "she...Oops, when I said "he" I meant "she".Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8493261168971136952011-09-22T12:01:12.292-04:002011-09-22T12:01:12.292-04:00I liked this, but felt he should have done a bette...I liked this, but felt he should have done a better scan to look for jake. give us a visual of the whole room so we know jake is truly gone after our MC has thoroughly checked everywhere. I also wasn't sure why he was being electrocuted. where was the electricity coming from? Maybe you explain it later. I'd definitely need to know why a catwalk, made for walking on, would be electrified?Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26591501769747855462011-09-22T06:14:07.013-04:002011-09-22T06:14:07.013-04:00Not entirely hooked. Maybe spend a little more tim...Not entirely hooked. Maybe spend a little more time at the beginning on her worry about her brother. Did she make him run off? Does she feel responsible? Are more people searching for him?<br /><br />Then, when she worries about her notebook being found, we need some more information on THEY. Who would be after her? The police? Someone who's after her brother?Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1422840156166441632011-09-21T19:27:44.391-04:002011-09-21T19:27:44.391-04:00your "huge generators" paragraph was so ...your "huge generators" paragraph was so spot-on descriptive that i could SEE the room. excellent writing there. i'd cut out the "panic gurgled in my stomach" b/c it doesn't sound quite right.Heather Day Gilberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12353914883176152555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58264715372230944882011-09-21T13:50:49.782-04:002011-09-21T13:50:49.782-04:00I'm hooked. But I do agree with the previous p...I'm hooked. But I do agree with the previous poster about some details. Also I'm surprised that it doesn't take her longer to search and know her brother's not there. But I definitely want to find out what happens next.Merliniananoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75637281186564335712011-09-21T10:43:35.858-04:002011-09-21T10:43:35.858-04:00I like the descriptions of the electricty. You...I like the descriptions of the electricty. You've set the tension high. I'm wondering why she isn't calling to her little brother. By little do you mean 10 or 5? Other than a pounding heart, she doesn't seem too worried. Also, wouldn't it hurt to get your fingers fused to the metal? I would expect screaming. Other than that, the writing is clear and the goal is interesting. Good job!Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.com