tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3101110387233499407..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Session One: #11Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85721044097935016282010-10-23T10:30:52.587-04:002010-10-23T10:30:52.587-04:00There is some repetative words in here you might w...There is some repetative words in here you might want to reconsider: "that threatens to destroy," and "peace" are both used twice. You could use the second of each as an opportunity to find stronger, punchier phrases. Other than that, I would want to read this...Marne Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05981717156518711702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44925313907033455642010-10-21T20:36:43.213-04:002010-10-21T20:36:43.213-04:00I don't much care for the old vampire theme, b...I don't much care for the old vampire theme, but I did find this interesting. I would want to read more.Nya Raynenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75377529482917707602010-10-21T17:56:37.519-04:002010-10-21T17:56:37.519-04:00Who is the vampire?
How does the dreamwalker plan ...Who is the vampire?<br />How does the dreamwalker plan to destroy the peace? By doing what?<br />And if he does break the peace, what will happen?<br />Perhaps instead of - can they preserve the peace - you say - can they stop him - from doing whatever it is he's doing (specifically)Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19598815303790795012010-10-21T17:14:38.180-04:002010-10-21T17:14:38.180-04:00The biggest thing I'm looking for here is a pr...The biggest thing I'm looking for here is a protagonist to associate with. A group of people isn't drawing me in the way focus on an individual would.Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77940375844117782722010-10-21T14:50:54.828-04:002010-10-21T14:50:54.828-04:00I agree that you need to get rid of the title and ...I agree that you need to get rid of the title and the question at the end. I'd also like to see more of the stakes. Why do they need to keep the peace and keep their secrets hidden? And are their secrets going to destroy them or is the dream-walker going to do it?Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50769640477374362862010-10-21T14:16:15.354-04:002010-10-21T14:16:15.354-04:00Questions in a query are always tricky. It is bett...Questions in a query are always tricky. It is better to leave them out.<br /><br />I don't feel the conflict or see a voice. And 'combine forces to stop' is one of those lines used too often.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16248166327254625742010-10-21T13:45:59.312-04:002010-10-21T13:45:59.312-04:00I would delete 'In Blood Dreams'. You'...I would delete 'In Blood Dreams'. You're using up 3 words for the title of your book. Use those 3 words to give us more info on why we should read this. Maybe names? What is an incubus? How do they combine forces and why is it important? Are they arch-enemies? Little details but they might make this 'good' logline into a 'great' one.Steena Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03585255306121495098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72487065747899208842010-10-21T13:44:06.050-04:002010-10-21T13:44:06.050-04:00I was in until the "secrets" bit. I know...I was in until the "secrets" bit. I know you don't want to give away the ending of a book, but something more specific would be helpful.<br /><br />How does the secret threaten to destroy them? Is it the keeping of the secret, or the possibility of not keeping the secret? <br /><br />Avoiding rhetorical questions is probably a good thing in a log line, I think.Tamihttp://tamimoore.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8373172000598789212010-10-21T13:38:03.526-04:002010-10-21T13:38:03.526-04:00Yes, we need more specifics. I don't feel con...Yes, we need more specifics. I don't feel connected to the protag(s) at all. Also, I would rephrase the last sentence so you are not asking a rhetorical question.annalisagnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76115552872908121642010-10-21T13:17:42.528-04:002010-10-21T13:17:42.528-04:00This is okay, but I admit I'm pretty over read...This is okay, but I admit I'm pretty over reading about secrets that destroy. It seems every paranormal romance is about vague, destroying secrets and beings out to save the world. Can you get more specific?FunnyGirlnoreply@blogger.com