tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3137510803095204891..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28901669243674363092013-05-09T13:02:03.004-04:002013-05-09T13:02:03.004-04:00Really love the visual of them both with their eye...Really love the visual of them both with their eyes open. I found myself wanting them to linger in that moment a bit longer.jdsperohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16664727014171959065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1254422904485189232013-05-07T21:53:59.374-04:002013-05-07T21:53:59.374-04:00GREAT voice! Totally had me wondering why 'she...GREAT voice! Totally had me wondering why 'she' would need to know (from the introduction I thought the main character was asking him, I'm sure it's clearer when not plucked out of the story).<br /><br />Sorry I don't have anything useful to add.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03752960509531447848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22550254532662740472013-05-07T20:50:53.753-04:002013-05-07T20:50:53.753-04:00Great voice! Love her personality. Good sensory de...Great voice! Love her personality. Good sensory details. I would read more. I don't mind the run-on sentence b/c I know it's her jumbled thoughts, but maybe put a comma before "but most of all..." Need an E on "and breathe him in..." Also "turns up" doesn't seem strong enough. Maybe "ramps up" or something else. All in all, a great excerpt!MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61559752123203745232013-05-07T19:46:25.051-04:002013-05-07T19:46:25.051-04:00Great voice. I like the playful style.
Tumble off...Great voice. I like the playful style.<br /><br />Tumble off the log makes my think they were standing and fell landing on something other than their feet. So I had a hard time believing the kiss didn't break. Stumble maybe I could see.<br /><br />Bill Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13937438605204186093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82525449290377473752013-05-07T19:46:00.343-04:002013-05-07T19:46:00.343-04:00Thank you so, so much everyone. This feedback is s...Thank you so, so much everyone. This feedback is super helpful and I know what changes I am going to make (the unanimous ones, obviously, haha). Y'all made a girl's night! Thank you thank you!Lucie Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14264955173236317686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86025583731519551442013-05-07T17:09:57.289-04:002013-05-07T17:09:57.289-04:00Great job. I agree with a few of the tweaks that h...Great job. I agree with a few of the tweaks that have been mentioned. I was also a little confused by the dialogue and the mention of 2 other boys, but I assume that's explained in previous pages and would be clear to a reader. But most important, you made me want him to kiss her as much as she wanted it. Bravo.Lizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02745622946103124614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55073268970449385042013-05-07T16:29:28.098-04:002013-05-07T16:29:28.098-04:00I like the voice here; this phrase felt more adult...I like the voice here; this phrase felt more adult than YA: His kiss is hesitant at first but as I melt into him the intensity turns up...<br />I think it's "as I melt into him" combined with "intensity turns up". <br />Maybe keeping the manic, run-on flavor would work here: I'm melting and it's intense and then he presses into me so we tumble off the log. Or you could work in some her feelings in there, keeping that voice. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89573740216369298892013-05-07T15:47:11.323-04:002013-05-07T15:47:11.323-04:00Really nice. My heart ached for the protagonist; h...Really nice. My heart ached for the protagonist; her loneliness and low self-esteem are so evident from just a few sentences.<br /><br />Yeah, a few commas might help, but I don't mind the run-on sentences. They're appropriate for a teenage narrator. <br /><br />The one tiny criticism I have is with the phrase "as I melt into him the intensity turns up." I think you could show that intensity in more physical terms.Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45368597284585906442013-05-07T15:17:14.738-04:002013-05-07T15:17:14.738-04:00GREAT!!! The only thing that threw me was it felt ...GREAT!!! The only thing that threw me was it felt pretty abrupt when suddenly she mentions his lips were on her. I mean, I know she's surprised but *I* was surprised as a reader. I don't think you're going for that. Show me her surprise, don't actually leave me confused.<br /><br />Otherwise, loved loved it!Whidgethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12955663755994838839noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58265381792621253502013-05-07T14:06:12.887-04:002013-05-07T14:06:12.887-04:00Strong voice, and I actually really like the run-o...Strong voice, and I actually really like the run-ons, if you can clean it up just a little for clarity. I get that you are trying to contrast how "this kiss" differs from previous experiences, but you use the word "kiss" many times in that paragraph. The action speaks for itself. <br /><br />I really like the voice, though. Young, realistic, fresh. J. K. Wisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17415534997732688496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12115101830544006862013-05-07T13:55:44.099-04:002013-05-07T13:55:44.099-04:00I love the smell and the taste references at the e...I love the smell and the taste references at the end. Just a few simple words explain so much to the reader. I also love the MC's voice. This sounds like a fun read and I was sad to only get to view a small part of it.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15525362690272102453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67421233726019546332013-05-07T13:02:56.136-04:002013-05-07T13:02:56.136-04:00Oh, I like this so much. There's a few parts t...Oh, I like this so much. There's a few parts that run together that could benefit from a few commas, but the sweetness of the moment is there.<br /><br />"Then I close my eyes because it hurts too much that my only friend doesn't really know me and because I don't deserve friends anyways but most of all because Oliver is so close and I can't have him." I can almost taste the desperation here; it's so relatable--but add the commas or break it up so it doesn't run together and get lose. <br />And the closing line is just the cherry on the whipped cream for the sweet factor. <br /><br />Also, beware of reciprocal references. "I play-punch his arm even though I kinda-sorta don't" reads like she doesn't play punch him instead of meaning that she doesn't have friends, which is what you intend.<br /><br />Overall, great job. I'd want to read more. Kelly Metzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16393486174448300525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83399427182447643072013-05-07T12:10:28.736-04:002013-05-07T12:10:28.736-04:00Yes, yes, yes, really liked this.
The voice is fa...Yes, yes, yes, really liked this.<br /> The voice is fab, completely believable and also the action between them.<br /> The description of herself particularly resonated with me, (but maybe that is a reflection on myself!)<br /><br />I agree with spazfilly above about the run-on sentence, but the elements are sound in themselves, so don't lose them.<br /><br />I'd want to read more.Pernille Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09388032945743371733noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85411170270684812482013-05-07T12:00:44.339-04:002013-05-07T12:00:44.339-04:00Unfortunantly, I don't have any constructive f...Unfortunantly, I don't have any constructive feedback except to say that the voice is very strong, and I am totally hooked and want to know more about them! Jessihttp://twitter.com/listentomusesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8675229463512624232013-05-07T10:50:50.490-04:002013-05-07T10:50:50.490-04:00I really, really enjoyed the kiss. First her shock...I really, really enjoyed the kiss. First her shock that it's happening, then her surrender to it, and the way that she breathes him in. I will say that some of her internal dialogue, before that, is very run-on and confusing.Alainahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10343957686450599547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50098289019967519872013-05-07T10:27:43.257-04:002013-05-07T10:27:43.257-04:00Ava's playful narrative voice hooked me right ...Ava's playful narrative voice hooked me right away. The way you've set up the kiss is very strong. <br /><br />However, the structure of this sentence bothers me:<br /><br />"Then I close my eyes because it hurts too much that my only friend doesn't really know me and because I don't deserve friends anyways but most of all because Oliver is so close and I can't have him." <br /><br />I get the impression that it is supposed to be internal monologue of sorts, but it's still a run-on sentence and reads awkwardly because of that. If you tighten it up a little and add a comma before "but" I think you'll have an even stronger lead in to the kiss.<br /><br />Also, props for including smell and taste! Those things are so important during moments of physical intimacy.spazfillyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06165692758574924371noreply@blogger.com