tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3223301196715461803..comments2024-03-18T12:01:18.507-04:00Comments on Authoress: 50 Words #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46440609014865028902010-04-22T21:37:42.684-04:002010-04-22T21:37:42.684-04:00Overall I like the tone of this and think it can w...Overall I like the tone of this and think it can work for a fantasy.<br /><br />The second sentence is a little awkward and confusing. With the phrase 'following tradition,' it sounds like you're talking about his life in general, not what's happening on this particular day.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29356147276047101282010-04-22T21:25:00.563-04:002010-04-22T21:25:00.563-04:00I'm a big fan of medieval fantasy, but this ha...I'm a big fan of medieval fantasy, but this had me only a little hooked. It sounds too much like the opening of a synopsis, rather than the actual story. Some action would be nice. I'd read on, though.Amanda the Aspiringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10983953436816551075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37360368938830642352010-04-22T18:01:39.512-04:002010-04-22T18:01:39.512-04:00Semi-hooked. I think the problem is too much infor...Semi-hooked. I think the problem is too much information and too little action crammed in those 50 words. Sounds more like the first 50 words of a synopsis than an actual book.Irishttp://www.irisharper.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80274889988254782122010-04-22T17:16:00.457-04:002010-04-22T17:16:00.457-04:00Holy Cannoli, Hooked! Spelled with a capital '...Holy Cannoli, Hooked! Spelled with a capital 'aitch'.<br /><br />I love fantasy and I would be all over this one.<br /><br />Excellent!Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79851368440476206342010-04-22T16:39:08.218-04:002010-04-22T16:39:08.218-04:00Sounds more like notes to yourself than the beginn...Sounds more like notes to yourself than the beginning of the novel. But I'm a fan of being dropped into action unless the writing is very poetic.<br /><br />Not hooked.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50719108547214313222010-04-22T14:09:06.170-04:002010-04-22T14:09:06.170-04:00I'm not hooked. It felt like telling rather th...I'm not hooked. It felt like telling rather than showing.Moira Younghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14090235556206768369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49844565333028324882010-04-22T13:33:26.791-04:002010-04-22T13:33:26.791-04:00This feels like an info dump and the wording is aw...This feels like an info dump and the wording is awkward. I'm not hooked.Jean Viola Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09411412962083731682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34698672302261033502010-04-22T12:20:08.726-04:002010-04-22T12:20:08.726-04:00I think it might be more powerful if you started w...I think it might be more powerful if you started with what was interesting about Drake.Jill Wheelerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15059527254551768150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20141230315183019852010-04-22T12:17:24.675-04:002010-04-22T12:17:24.675-04:00I really like the idea of the story, but not the p...I really like the idea of the story, but not the presentation. I don't get hooked here and there would need to be something pretty swanky going on with Drake to keep my attention.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78077991430095487552010-04-22T12:06:36.999-04:002010-04-22T12:06:36.999-04:00This was a case where I wanted you to take a hair ...This was a case where I wanted you to take a hair longer to get to the actual hook. I'd like to be more firmly rooted in Cato's POV.<br /><br />Maybe just two or three sentences about how Cato had always longed for the throne, but now there he sat, and everyone who came before him had some problem with their taxes, or their inheritance, or something else excruciatingly boring. <br /><br />At the moment, I sort of feel rushed along.Janehttp://www.simplemystery.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49111561957404176182010-04-22T12:03:27.491-04:002010-04-22T12:03:27.491-04:00I like the premise, but not hooked. Maybe get to w...I like the premise, but not hooked. Maybe get to what Drake says faster.Give me a reason to be hooked other than the Cato's boredom.Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-735953862178038732010-04-22T12:01:36.275-04:002010-04-22T12:01:36.275-04:00I'm hooked because of the title and the genre,...I'm hooked because of the title and the genre, not because of the writing. It seems like you're wasting an opportunity for a really good beginning here. And I'd save the physical description for later. If it's from the prince's POV (which is sounds like) he would be familiar with the characters appearance, I would think, since he knows the name. Also, I'm not sure king ought to be capitalized there. <br />However, I like the premise of a prince who doesn't want to be king, but if it's just a shallow thought because of boredom it's less interesting.Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55459268241659130822010-04-22T10:58:34.912-04:002010-04-22T10:58:34.912-04:00Not hooked. Sorry. There was a lot of telling in t...Not hooked. Sorry. There was a lot of telling in this paragraph as well as too much backstory too soon.Cambria Dillonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09228852731639087754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42482122508229581932010-04-22T10:07:53.392-04:002010-04-22T10:07:53.392-04:00I'm in limbo. I like the Obsidian Throne, and...I'm in limbo. I like the Obsidian Throne, and I'm curious about Drake, but your hold is tentative.Vicki Rochohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07381089434014961076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4188789210282717922010-04-22T09:56:13.610-04:002010-04-22T09:56:13.610-04:00Hooked. But wizened, black-haired Drake better hav...Hooked. But wizened, black-haired Drake better have something killer to say in the next sentence.M.T. Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08222869745287371439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89696934984554478362010-04-22T09:30:10.558-04:002010-04-22T09:30:10.558-04:00Not hooked. "Bored beyond belief" is to...Not hooked. "Bored beyond belief" is too 21st century for a medieval fantasy.Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.com