tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3249311856062720323..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #44Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78473502339101636192010-09-27T13:29:04.985-04:002010-09-27T13:29:04.985-04:00Thanks to everyone for their comments. It's a ...Thanks to everyone for their comments. It's a tremendous help. Thanks also to Secret Agent and Authoress for giving us this forum for our work. Great feedback.Author of # 44noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8435289783975424182010-09-23T12:14:06.217-04:002010-09-23T12:14:06.217-04:00Sorry, last line should have read-I'm curious ...Sorry, last line should have read-I'm curious to find out if there are little people living in the tree. I'm hooked.RubyRed0/ Tammy Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06867830296909956267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11018021154488918142010-09-23T12:10:23.716-04:002010-09-23T12:10:23.716-04:00I agree with Bluestocking, the description of Chri...I agree with Bluestocking, the description of Christmas morning was very good. It made me think about my X-mas when I was little. The title of your work is what hooked me from the begining. I'm curious to find out. Good Luck ;-)RubyRed0/ Tammy Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06867830296909956267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3595975144545202022010-09-22T19:04:01.264-04:002010-09-22T19:04:01.264-04:00I was hooked by the idea that Christmas had change...I was hooked by the idea that Christmas had changed, but like the others I got a bit bogged down in the backstory. I wonder if you could shorten that up a bit.Blodwynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52270665936839922252010-09-22T17:29:56.528-04:002010-09-22T17:29:56.528-04:00I like the description of Christmas, especially ho...I like the description of Christmas, especially how there are unique details and yet an overarching understanding of Christmas traditions/emotions. While the memory is full of nice images, I’m curious why Ellie’s Christmases are no longer as happy. <br /><br />I’m not hooked though because the majority of the introduction has focused on the past, not present. Though, well written, I feel like I'm still waiting for something to happen. <br /><br />I’d read a little further to find out what has changed.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24394076577848033942010-09-22T16:05:15.559-04:002010-09-22T16:05:15.559-04:00I agree with some of the previous comments. And I...I agree with some of the previous comments. And I would keep reading because the descriptions are grabbing me, but I need more than flash back. Can you keep her more in the present with just a hint of what was lost? It might make it stronger.Marie Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636765580836358noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10779732301209755362010-09-22T14:41:11.468-04:002010-09-22T14:41:11.468-04:00I loved the writing and the description, but it is...I loved the writing and the description, but it isn't a great beginning. It's pretty much a flashback to Christmas pasts. I would keep reading, but something in the present better happen soon to keep my attention.Anjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87883202810122095932010-09-22T13:18:00.989-04:002010-09-22T13:18:00.989-04:00You have a great beginning. It starts out with in...You have a great beginning. It starts out with instant suspense. It's Christmas and there's tinkling Christmas music and (in my mind) everything is lovely. And then she grabs that railing and her knuckles turn white and I know this isn't going to be a nice Christmas after all.<br /><br />But then you go into past Christmases, and all that tension and suspense I felt just withers away while I wait for you to get back to the story.<br /><br />I think this would probably be a stronger opening if you cut out the whole reminiscing bit and just stayed in the present. Let us know what she sees now. Let us know why this Christmas is awful, or sad, or scary, or whatever. The backstory doesn't help this at all.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13817378113169270872010-09-22T12:43:17.540-04:002010-09-22T12:43:17.540-04:00Good last line.
I will admit I'm tired from w...Good last line.<br /><br />I will admit I'm tired from work as I'm reading this - but I expect an agent would be, too. And my brain (no matter how well done the scene might be) is just going <i>ho, hum, another memory of kiddies anticipating Christmas time</i>. I think it's way too early in the story to slow things down with a detailed memory, especially one that's sort of hackneyed simply because so many people have experienced it, or wished they had, or seen it on television.<br /><br />I wish you had posted your SECOND page!Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38483170297475869192010-09-22T12:41:09.481-04:002010-09-22T12:41:09.481-04:00The title makes me wonder what this is about. They...The title makes me wonder what this is about. They sound creepy to me... The Tree People. Makes me think of dark ominous shadows of gnarly trees against a backdrop of lightning flashes for some reason.<br /><br />But then we get to a serene description of Christmas morning, which in itself is a very pleasing, concrete image; however, it almost distracts from what the heart of the matter is. <br /><br />I'm not sure what's going on yet.<br />Not quite hooked. <br /><br />There is some good stuff in here, though.<br />It's hard to get all this stuff done in only 1 page, isn't it?angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45645167786348379982010-09-22T12:14:30.119-04:002010-09-22T12:14:30.119-04:00There's a lot of very beautiful description. I...There's a lot of very beautiful description. I especially liked the image of the discarded of the stockings standing sentry.<br /><br />But it did leave me wondering what's going on right now. I won't debate the effectiveness of using flashback as an opening but this is just confusing. She's hearing Christmas music now there's still a celebration of some kind but the last line says "never again."<br /><br />I would consider starting in a different place. Save the reminiscing about the past until the reader knows and cares about the main character.<br />I assume that someone has died and that things have changed for the worse. But having experienced tragedy isn't enough for me to care about the MC. Obviously this is only page one but you say this is urban fantasy. If this is one of those - orphan girl survives the accident that kills her family only to discover it gave her super powers - then you're going to have to work hard to make this stand out.Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38954771685215939782010-09-22T12:08:33.438-04:002010-09-22T12:08:33.438-04:00Like Joel, I think your description of Christmas m...Like Joel, I think your description of Christmas morning is really great - lots of specific details. But I don't think this is a particularly strong opening just yet. I don't really know what's happened with the mc AND I don't really know who the mc is just yet. If that comes in the next couple of paras, you are probably ok.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25511834310251598122010-09-22T12:07:49.529-04:002010-09-22T12:07:49.529-04:00You've got this great moment when her knuckles...You've got this great moment when her knuckles turn white, and I'm hooked, wondering what about Christmas would cause thei reaction. Then vivid discription, (beautifu) - but the last line throws me. Santa isn't coming any more, and she's that upset? I don't get it. I was expecting a real tragedy.<br />I really hope that this become clear in the next line or 2. <br />In order to get a faster "hook" you should probaby cut the discription of Christmas morning in half, at least.<br />Hooked, but just barely.Momwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39582144363899632242010-09-22T11:57:54.180-04:002010-09-22T11:57:54.180-04:00I'd read on.
Nice descriptions of Christmas, ...I'd read on.<br /><br />Nice descriptions of Christmas, yet I'm waiting for the MC to reveal why Christmas is no longer a happy time.Joel Qnoreply@blogger.com