tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3262988407450735505..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #19 Women's Fiction: Nice Girls Don't Date Rock StarsAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28140828606155619422011-12-08T06:57:05.073-05:002011-12-08T06:57:05.073-05:00Not that anyone will probably read this now, but I...Not that anyone will probably read this now, but I want to thank all of you for commenting and giving me great encouragement and very useful feedback. I will take it all into account, so thanks for the time you took to share it all with me!<br /><br />@S.A.Hussey: Thank you!!! You comment made my week and made entering this contest worth it :-D<br /><br />@Lorena: Thanks! And thanks for the phrase "what happens when the fantasy is over." Got my wheels spinning again on a story I've put on the back burner for the past few weeks for another project :)<br /><br />@Writer Jo...: Points taken, and agreed about the last paragraph. Probably shows that it was added in much later than everything else!<br /><br />@Bron: Thank you; I'll sort those issues out, and I'm struggling a bit with whether to make the first chapter seem obviously in the past or not. I probably will not.<br /><br />@Monica...: Thank you! Those errors shall be fixed promptly! :) As for the age of the woman watching Ali, she is *not* the girl Matt cheated with. She's a touring mate of Matt's that Ali's not yet met in person (their tour has just ended) but as the following pages reveal, Ali's pretty insecure and despite how important the moment is, she's noticing being stared at. And it's making her uncomfortable. Part of the irony of her dreaming of this moment all her life is that she's being torn out of it by something like another woman watching her. So I'll find a way to make this more obvious. Thanks!!<br /><br />@Nancy: I definitely see where you're coming from. Without going into too much detail, Ali doesn't meet the girl Matt cheated with until the third chapter, and she struggles with being unable to break up with Matt in person as he jets off to take care of his ailing mother. Essentially, it takes her awhile to come to grips with what she's made of her life and why, and on top of all this, she meets another musician in England... so it is definitely a story of relationship issues that go along with dating artistic types in the public eye ;)<br /><br />Thanks for your comments, I'm reworking that last paragraph as we speak!<br /><br />@Mark Andreas: Point definitely taken - will work this out. And more detail on the song.<br /><br />Thank you so much, very greatly appreciated<br /><br />@Gabrielle Harbowy: Thank you - I'm definitely having a re-think. I think when I revised this prior to entering it in the contest, I wanted to get to the point of Shannon interrupting Ali's blissful moment so quickly that I took out far too much about the song, Val, Matt, and the details that make it all have any weight. So I will definitely spend some time going back over this to make it more clear and more enticing.<br /><br />I truly appreciate each and every one of you. I may have gotten the fewest comments of the bunch, but I think they're each worth their weight in gold. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84883751270915652362011-12-05T13:13:37.576-05:002011-12-05T13:13:37.576-05:00The logline shows voice and personality, and is ve...The logline shows voice and personality, and is very compelling. The "what-if" angle makes for a strong opener, but the transition from the "what-if" to the story feels a little forced to me. <br /><br />There are so many 'events' she daydreams about that they kind of get muddled and it sets up a confusing expectation about which one of those things the narrative is starting to address. The personalized song that's mentioned at the start of the paragraph gets lost in the shuffle. <br /><br />I also don't have a sense of how well she knows Matt at this point. Are they already dating? Have they just met? How serious are they? That'll have a lot of bearing on how much (and exactly what) it means that he's writing a song for her. <br /><br />Then, the song is skipped over entirely. There's the hush and the excitement, and then straight to "The song was all I dreamed." I feel like I've been cheated out of experiencing that validating moment with her. Furthermore, I don't have a sense of who Val is, and how her presence adds to the moment. Val and Shannon are kind of thrown in while we're distracted waiting for this great song. <br /><br />Strong logline and strong start. A little more focus and taking a fresh look from the perspective of a first-time reader might be a great exercise for fine-tuning the narrative flow.Gabrielle Harbowyhttp://www.gabrielle-edits.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17566412537946593572011-12-05T01:20:58.532-05:002011-12-05T01:20:58.532-05:00I like your writing. I like the questions you ask-...I like your writing. I like the questions you ask--gets me interested. Also slightly confused at times.<br /><br />Regarding the part about "if I told her she'd get her wish to be married at 27..." I like this, yet am left a little confused also. It sounds to me like she IS already married to this rocker guy. Would it make more sense if the question was: "If I knew the marriage wouldn't work out with that rocker guy, what would I have done with the time in-between?"<br /><br />Also at the end I'd like some description of the song he sings her. It's so pivotal I want to know exactly what he sings, so that then the girl butting in can start to shake the foundations.<br /><br />It doesn't make sense to me why someone would build a future on a precipice--maybe use another metaphor here? foundation or something like it?<br /><br />good luck!mark andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14104523716755023778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25659681217770339462011-12-04T22:36:50.896-05:002011-12-04T22:36:50.896-05:00This book will generate interest, no question. Wom...This book will generate interest, no question. Women readers are curious about life with a successful musician. The title is very playful and inviting; I worry that the book opens with the relationship disintegrating and the logline indicates it will be about her getting her own career going again. That is a fine idea for a book but I wonder if a lot of people are pumped for more of an "Almost Famous" behind the scenes book. Could the breakup happen further into the story?<br /><br />The writing is nice. I like the authentic-feeling mood in the club. The only criticism I have is the precipice image--it's pivotal and her life is built on it, which already is straining but then someone else is shaking it? Might want to rethink this.Nancy Bilyeaunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63533148818543643782011-12-04T11:20:52.107-05:002011-12-04T11:20:52.107-05:00While contemporary fiction isn't really my cup...While contemporary fiction isn't really my cup of tea, I will say this opening reads smoothly and you've left us at a moment that's compelling enough to make me read on.<br />I spotted a few small errors in tense. (Easy for me to see in others' work, and an ongoing battle in my own!):<br />logline: 'Ali has loved Matt's music...'<br />'At sixteen, I'd fantasized...'<br />'The song was all I'd dreamed....'<br />And one little nit. If Ali's so caught up in Matt and in a crowded club, would she have noticed the girl/woman(?) watching her? (I put a question mark beside 'woman' because your logline describes her as so young that I wonder if Ali wouldn't still think of her as a girl.)<br />Good luck with the auction and your writing!Monica Enderle Piercehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08906580310155422359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52649595097347277582011-12-02T22:43:38.041-05:002011-12-02T22:43:38.041-05:00A good concept, and one a think of lot of people c...A good concept, and one a think of lot of people could relate to. But the writing could be tightened in my opinion. <br /><br />The first paragraph feels a bit wordy. The essence is that Ali dreamed of marrying the rock star whose posters she had on her wall, and at 27 she would get that wish.<br /><br />Dior doesn't have an apostrophe.<br /><br />In the fourth and fifth paragraphs, it feels like Ali is still telling the story from some point in the future. How else would she know she was on a precipice, and that Shannon was going to shake that precipice? I'd prefer less telling that something is going to happen and more things actually happening.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55899518215160725862011-12-02T19:01:28.450-05:002011-12-02T19:01:28.450-05:00Love the premise, too. I think this has a ton of p...Love the premise, too. I think this has a ton of potential.<br /><br />I wouldn't include Matt's last name, just because it's too much info to hang on to at the moment. I'm sure later you'll be including how he's famous and everybody knows his name. But to her, if they've been in a relationship, he's just Matt, isn't he?<br /><br />The last para is a bit confusing. It just needs a little rearranging, I think. Or just lose 'mid-bliss' and the commas to make it move smoothly (I couldn't read it out loud without stumbling).<br /><br />Again, good premise, and I would certainly read on.<br /><br />Best wishes,Writing Jo Lawlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14756647013419693381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12075554571366804042011-12-02T12:17:15.336-05:002011-12-02T12:17:15.336-05:00I think a lot of women will be able to identify wi...I think a lot of women will be able to identify with your premise and your protagonist. Who didn't have a crush on a movie/rock star as a teen? I like the idea of a novel that explores what happens when the fantasy is over.<br /><br />Great title!Lorenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17848249911635132594noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53010937603975909292011-12-02T10:56:01.924-05:002011-12-02T10:56:01.924-05:00I've seen this log line before and loved the p...I've seen this log line before and loved the premise to this story. <br /><br />Let me know when its going to be published so I can buy it. :-)<br /><br />SAHS.A.Husseynoreply@blogger.com