tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3263743415489221969..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Action Scenes (Round 2) #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23816769799012814212012-05-24T14:39:55.098-04:002012-05-24T14:39:55.098-04:00IN the intro you said raced, here it's pushed ...IN the intro you said raced, here it's pushed past (not passed); maybe shoved or an equally strong verb?<br /><br />Why does he stop? This stops the action for me as he spies a small door. Maybe he burst out of a hidden door on concourse A?<br />Then add an obstacle that prevents him from seeing the face of a woman who could be the person he's after?<br /><br />THe talking on the radio slows down the action too. He could think some of these things while he's racing to find his target, but not talk on a radio.<br /><br />Again, he slows, the train slows; both detract from the action; keep up a high tension wire throughout and shorter sentences would help, too.<br /><br />Good idea, though, just needs tightening.YA writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13506375414573098282012-05-24T00:11:56.893-04:002012-05-24T00:11:56.893-04:00Strong action. Clear and concise details. Nice wor...Strong action. Clear and concise details. Nice work.<br /><br />I agree with Stephsco that there may be something missing. Perhaps adding some of the concern into the mix as he's dashing around the concourses. Remind the reader why there's such urgency. <br /><br />"Cooper took off running again, slaloming through travelers, his sense of urgency increasing. YADA... he didn't want to think about what they'd do to her if indeed they had gotten to her..YADA."<br /><br />It also bugged me a little that he was looking for her face among the travelers/ crowd. Does Cooper think she's just going to be hanging out? Is he thinking she's being abducted and she'll be there with her captors? Kind of a small thing, but perhaps worth a mention.<br /><br />Solid work. All the best.Michael Waguespackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15031145813902379202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44903162647050420812012-05-23T16:10:23.387-04:002012-05-23T16:10:23.387-04:00I admit, I also was taken back by the trains, when...I admit, I also was taken back by the trains, when I read teleportation in the intro I assumed something more sci-fi than a high speed train. But, since this is a just a snippet, I' guessing this is explained in greater detail elsewhere.<br /><br />This scene is well written, and while there's nothing technically wrong with it, I did feel like something was missing. This might sum it up: "Cooper took off running again, slaloming through travelers, his sense of urgency increasing." I'm reading there's urgency, but I don't feel it. Cooper and Gordy seem very calm and collected, even their dialogue is very matter-of-fact. Maybe that's their thing and they don't freak out. If so, it might help to enhance that, by showing even in the bustling train station he stayed calm and focused. <br /><br />Here's another instance: "Cooper continued his watchful dash to the next stop at Concourse C." He may have dashed watchfully, but it doesn't grip me with the action. Maybe you could show him dashing, nearly tripping over someone, his eyes darting, seeing a flash of someone with similar physique, etc. <br /><br />As all critiques are subjective, take what you will. You're clearly a capable writer, so I hope the feedback you receive helps :)Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84220219288026404272012-05-23T14:47:16.956-04:002012-05-23T14:47:16.956-04:00The pace was good, and I do wonder who Audrey was,...The pace was good, and I do wonder who Audrey was, but I didn't sense it was particularly in the future.<br /><br />The scene works well.<br /><br />-billbillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15269914494908600192012-05-23T13:52:17.121-04:002012-05-23T13:52:17.121-04:00I enjoyed this scene but a couple elements tripped...I enjoyed this scene but a couple elements tripped me up while reading. <br /><br />This story takes place in 2080 but the main characters are still using radios to communicate...That seems a bit dated even now. Granted, I don't know the world you've set up but it still struck me as a device that should be updated for a futuristic story. <br /><br />I felt the same about the use of trains, although by the end you do point out that they are "high voltage." Still, I'm not sure that detail sells the use of trains for me. Basically, I definitely enjoyed reading, the pace of the scene works well, and I think if the terminology was more futuristic I would be really drawn in.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com