tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3282796738775774207..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79882436717326522522013-01-29T00:23:05.237-05:002013-01-29T00:23:05.237-05:00Not sure what I can add either! This flowed really...Not sure what I can add either! This flowed really well. When I read the brief intro I did think, uh-oh, this is Inkspell -- but it's clearly not.<br /><br />Agree that the <b>angry teenager on my hands</b> comment is awkward. Try recasting this in terms of the specifics of their relationship -- K's her teenaged big brother with a specific temperament-- rather than general (adult-sounding) ideas about which kids are like what.<br /><br />I'm really curious to know how Kyle will turn on the MC -- assuming he will -- and how the characters mesh their RW selves with their story selves. And the end of this section is great -- looks like they're about to run into some real danger!bgbcnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15017363759754674452013-01-28T21:09:30.299-05:002013-01-28T21:09:30.299-05:00I can't add much to this. I do like it - conce...I can't add much to this. I do like it - concept-wise especially. But I do think some of it is written a little above what I would expect from a MG MC. Just my opinion.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12678818769817945092013-01-28T21:05:53.399-05:002013-01-28T21:05:53.399-05:00Ooh, I'm a fan of this! Super fun and I'd ...Ooh, I'm a fan of this! Super fun and I'd love to read more. :D<br /><br />One small nit pick, consider combining these two para into one: "Realization struck. A look of fury came over Kyle’s face. You made me the bad guy!” he shouted.<br /><br />Also, I agree with Rebecca that "I had an angry teenager on my hands" sounds more like something an adult would say. <br /><br />Other than that, I REALLY enjoyed this.CherylAnne Hamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02324135447961686703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64025024747985779672013-01-28T17:16:14.257-05:002013-01-28T17:16:14.257-05:00Love the concept, and this excerpt pulled me right...Love the concept, and this excerpt pulled me right in. Great pacing and Kyle, especially, sounds very authentic.<br /><br />I agree with the deletions suggested by Alice. Also, I'm no expert on MG, but there were a few places where Liz sounded older than 12 to me. "Placated" and "seethed" are not words I would associate with a viewpoint character that age. "I had an angry teenager on my hands" sounds more like something an adult would think/say, although it could also work from a precocious pre-teen.<br /><br />I wish I could read more.Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17092904059644427702013-01-28T15:45:25.422-05:002013-01-28T15:45:25.422-05:00Really good! This pulled me right in and read smoo...Really good! This pulled me right in and read smooth and fast. I can already see that Kyle has a temper, and Liz maybe a tad selfish, so I enjoyed getting a sense of their personalities so quickly. My only suggestion would to use a word other than "placated." Would middle graders understand what that means?Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35653553084185167692013-01-28T15:25:38.162-05:002013-01-28T15:25:38.162-05:00Love this too! Really snappy believable dialogue a...Love this too! Really snappy believable dialogue about an unbelievable thing (which is what good MG fantasy should do, right?)<br />My only comment would be to leave out a few words/descriptions towards the beginning of this excerpt. We don't need them, it's all there in the conversation:<br />1)noncommittally<br />2) Realization struck.<br />3) I tried to sound reassuring.Alice Kaltmanhttp://www.familymattersny.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41921821127569733282013-01-28T14:19:49.756-05:002013-01-28T14:19:49.756-05:00Love this. Kyle and Liz feel very real and his an...Love this. Kyle and Liz feel very real and his anger comes across quite well. I like how sees trough her fib and the ending leaves me wanting more. Patti Kurtzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09659519121533107736noreply@blogger.com