tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3289611100446920861..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First 50 Words #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56346935156007879342011-04-28T00:32:55.878-04:002011-04-28T00:32:55.878-04:00Also, great title.Also, great title.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89909599745620395592011-04-28T00:32:20.881-04:002011-04-28T00:32:20.881-04:00I really liked the style of this, very direct and ...I really liked the style of this, very direct and clean, not at all overwritten. I'd keep reading.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74960273455183872032011-04-27T20:30:08.480-04:002011-04-27T20:30:08.480-04:00I also slowed down at the tapping fingers. I had t...I also slowed down at the tapping fingers. I had to read it twice. So, like everyone else said, maybe revise that sentence. <br /><br />I also think it might be clever if you could rewrite a little so you start with "I attacked Patrick." :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71977021793836608102011-04-27T17:10:29.028-04:002011-04-27T17:10:29.028-04:00I'd read on. I like the fact that we're st...I'd read on. I like the fact that we're straight into some literal action.Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02046492434737362097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2017951725395260032011-04-27T14:45:54.023-04:002011-04-27T14:45:54.023-04:00You might get a little more punch (pardon the pun)...You might get a little more punch (pardon the pun) if you move "Your stance is wrong" to after the first paragraph and start with "Patrick was patient, but ..." This would set us up for what Patrick is about to say, making us anticipate whatever is coming.<br /><br />I would definitely keep reading either way.Thermoclinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01875497784895433255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57740834641526598232011-04-27T12:55:51.910-04:002011-04-27T12:55:51.910-04:00I thought this worked okay but could be cleaner.
...I thought this worked okay but could be cleaner.<br /><br />Perhaps - Patrick's tone was patient, but those two fingers tapping against his arm meant 'get your form right or I will and you won't like it.'Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46971597943724938762011-04-27T12:50:31.664-04:002011-04-27T12:50:31.664-04:00What interests me most in this scene is the dynami...What interests me most in this scene is the dynamic between the two characters, which I'd read on to learn more about. I do think you could edit down the second paragraph a bit to keep things flowing better. For example:<br /><br />"Patrick's tone was patient, but the way his two fingers tapped against his arm said 'get your form right or I will, and you won't like it.'"Shakier Anthemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169934547082128953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32174739299162659252011-04-27T12:12:14.336-04:002011-04-27T12:12:14.336-04:00I was a little confused about the tapping fingers ...I was a little confused about the tapping fingers as well. Perhaps you could simply tell us that is what Patrick is doing and give us the protag's response. And the "or..." threwme off because I wasn't sure if someone was supposed to be saying that or if it was a replay of old memories. I like starting with the training, though. Good Luck : )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40251038749719218032011-04-27T11:54:23.436-04:002011-04-27T11:54:23.436-04:00I'd read on to know which martial art she'...I'd read on to know which martial art she's studying. And I'm guessing the narrator is female, but I'm not sure. But yeah, I'd also like to read more to know why she's studying martial arts or whatever and what kind of fantasy element is included.Christina Earlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05803995093957463325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6997273413979206622011-04-27T10:32:42.404-04:002011-04-27T10:32:42.404-04:00I'm hooked. You really set up the story in ver...I'm hooked. You really set up the story in very few words. I'd read on to see the relationship between these two and to see why the mc needs to learn to fight. nitpicky: You say the tapping fingers can only be described one way and then go on to give us two ways. I would cut the "bad" and just go to, "get your form right . . ." to make this more streamlined. I'd also cut the last phrase (and you won't like it) from that sequence as well. Love the last sentence. Shows us who's in charge and shows more about mc's character.Lisa Tiffinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03483442088851809605noreply@blogger.com