tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3348407096728015777..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20602400336345700782011-03-27T17:26:48.097-04:002011-03-27T17:26:48.097-04:00Agreed--there is too much telling and not enough s...Agreed--there is too much telling and not enough showing here. Who is "them" in the first paragraph? Is it important to know Charlie is 16 right here? Why? What else could Charlie recognize the chasm as than an abyss? I'm afraid I'm not hooked.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81739377171565444662011-03-26T21:49:21.879-04:002011-03-26T21:49:21.879-04:00A little too descriptive for me. I would like to ...A little too descriptive for me. I would like to read a little more about the actual character instead of what he is thinking.speechnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47904657971352089052011-03-25T21:27:39.528-04:002011-03-25T21:27:39.528-04:00I agree with everyone else. This is you telling u...I agree with everyone else. This is you telling us what Charlie is doing, thinking and feeling. Instead, Charlie should actually be doing the thinking and feeling and doing himself.<br /><br />And think about what's happening here. A boy is looking into a chasm - for 250 words, an entire page. There's no movement. <br /><br />Perhaps consider rewriting this scene in a more active way, with Charlie actually doing the things you are telling us he's doing.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54866757124902733952011-03-23T23:21:25.067-04:002011-03-23T23:21:25.067-04:00I'm with Sarah on this one. A lot of potential...I'm with Sarah on this one. A lot of potential, but I feel like I'm being told a story instead of experiencing it from the main character's point of view.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11486134326331041422011-03-23T22:42:46.316-04:002011-03-23T22:42:46.316-04:00Intriguing start. I think your first sentence is t...Intriguing start. I think your first sentence is too long, and it confused me a little. I agree with some of the others, the voice has me feeling detached from the MC. But I think you've got a good beginning here. Good luck!alexiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07122487552931794871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16770405900150335002011-03-23T20:44:41.420-04:002011-03-23T20:44:41.420-04:00I'm good with the concept, however I feel comp...I'm good with the concept, however I feel completely detached from the MC. I get no feel for the character or motivation. There's a lot of telling here providing us information that could otherwise be given to us in dialogue and action, rather than a narrative.Kenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12504621012291975089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55431861214549225642011-03-23T20:18:21.385-04:002011-03-23T20:18:21.385-04:00this is interesting, but I'm not sure I'm ...this is interesting, but I'm not sure I'm following. I thought maybe it was a werewolf victim, then I thought it was someone trying to rescue animals. Maybe it's both? It's so hard with only 250 words. Well-written, though!<br /><br />Best~ :o)LTMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05239077455322030275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71853539080328461682011-03-23T16:57:29.585-04:002011-03-23T16:57:29.585-04:00I kind of agree with Sarah, but I also feel like t...I kind of agree with Sarah, but I also feel like this is a little over-written with some word choices that don't feel like they fit in YA, especially in first person when the MC is in trouble and trying to escape. The concept seems interesting though.Seleste deLaney/Julie Partickahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05346934576672398786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27311612749663258952011-03-23T16:29:59.853-04:002011-03-23T16:29:59.853-04:00Maybe this is the prologue? But your telling us ev...Maybe this is the prologue? But your telling us everything and not showing us anything. Your saying, this is the story, this is who he is, and this is whats happening, but you need to show us the story and show us who he is, and show us what's happening. The scene sounds amazing, so if you show instead of tell I think you'll have a good start!Sarahnoreply@blogger.com